How Does The Runner Feel During Twin Flame Separation?
They are hurting as much as you do
It took me a while to figure out that I was the runner in my twin flame relationship. The main reason why I broke up with him was that I discovered he was narcissistic. I lost faith in the whole twin flame concept and went on a journey to accept that we were in a trauma bond relationship.
I first thought that my partner was actually the runner. He had broken up with me numerous times before, which sometimes even involved ghosting me. I didn’t think I could experience greater pain than the first time my twin flame told me we had to separate.
So I became the chaser at first. Told him I loved him no matter what. That we could conquer everything together. That I would be there for him always. When I said those things, he would normally come back and the honeymoon stage would start all over again.
Runner/Chaser stage
This push-pull dynamic started after about six months of being together and lasted until three months later, when I physically couldn’t handle it anymore. I was literally drained from being discarded so many times, all for reasons that didn’t really make sense to me.
Many people in twin flame relationships figure out at some point that the runner could be a narcissistic (or false) twin flame. Or the one that has not awakened yet to this divine love. Being the victim of a narcissistic relationship mimics the feelings described for a twin flame separation.
You feel like your heart has been ripped out of your body and nothing but your twin flame can repair it. You feel depressed; desperate to return to that initial feeling of bliss when you first met. This is the same that victims of trauma bonding feel. Those feelings are so strong, because you lost a sense of identity during your relationship (or you never had one in the first place).
The purpose of a twin flame separation
I also got caught up in comparing my twin flame to a narcissist when I was trying to look for answers. There must be a way to describe this excruciating pain, right? I figured out that many people are asking themselves whether their twin flame is actually a narcissist (just google it and you see what I mean).
Now, I think twin flames are always in some sort of trauma bond. It doesn’t necessarily have to be narcissist/empath, but could also be shared addictions or shared mental health disorders.
Twin flames are twin flames because they both share this trait. It’s different from being the victim of a toxic relationship, because with a twin flame you are also toxic in some way.
Please take care of yourself if you don’t recognise yourself in your twin flame (mirroring); this probably means you are really a victim of an abusive relationship and you have to get out.
How does the Runner feel during separation?
The scientific or (clinical) psychological approach towards twin flames is almost always the description of a codependent relationship. They compare twin flames to people in trauma bonds (which is true), but don’t take in any spiritual aspect to it.
Me being the twin flame runner also quickly adopted to this mindset. There was no way I was going to rekindle with him now that I knew all that about toxic relationships. This might be the stage that the twin flame chaser thinks that the runner simply lost all interest.
That isn’t true though. I still thought about him everyday. I still loved him from a distance. I still hoped he could be happy. I still couldn’t forget our connection and I still could not move on.
Recognising divine love
During my running stage, I was afraid of him. I didn’t want him to chase me. I was so caught up in the whole narcissistic storyline, that I prayed every night he wouldn’t reach out. Because that would confirm my suspicion about him.
I really felt in all my being that we shouldn’t be together. Not for the sake of myself and not for the sake of him (and his children). I had to heal myself first. And so did he.
Him reaching out to me would only drive me further away. Not only because I had an avoidant attachment style, but also because the Universe told me we could not be together at that moment.
I felt that we needed space to be able to change our toxic patterns. My patterns as well as his. You can’t change your attachment style when you don’t get to the bottom of why you have this attachment in the first place. And you have to do this alone.
From avoidant to secure attachment
I finally realised that I had an avoidant attachment style already all my life. This was because I grew up in a narcissistic family and I never learned to feel safe in relationships.
My twin flame had a disorganised attachment style (as many narcissists do) and that was why we bonded so immensely. Your twin flame is your mirror and this is exactly what it was. We both had to change that attachment style, or otherwise we would be in the Runner/Chaser stage forever.
I had to figure out my childhood trauma before I could be in any relationship, so that’s why I kept running. I also didn’t know if he was really healing from his toxic pattern, and I didn’t want to put myself back into that sort of relationship.
Is a reunion possible?
The reason why the twin flame community speaks about reunion, is because if both twin flames heal from their trauma, they could have a real twin flame relationship. But the sad truth is that often one of the two doesn’t heal and that is why many twin flames don’t get back together anymore.
So since I am the runner, how do I feel at this moment about getting back to my twin flame? Especially now that I changed my attachment style? To be honest, I don’t know. I am still scared that he is narcissistic and that he hasn’t done the same inner work as I have done.
But I also know that our relationship had a divine spiritual aspect to it, and we both made each other enter into a spiritual awakening. If that is really true for him, that means he is also healing.
Divine timing
I guess the only thing that can get us back together now is divine timing, which is also a very common aspect of the twin flame separation. Since I am not sure if he is healing, I fully trust in the Universe whether or not we are going to get back together.
I feel like I would be protected by some higher force if that happens. And that — I think — is the difference between a normal trauma bond and a twin flame relationship. True twin flames come onto this Earth with a mission.
If that mission is part of your destiny, I am sure the Universe will make you get back together. But not before you are both ready.
Tips for the chaser
I know how hard it is to be a chaser, because I have been one before too. But as the runner now, I can only suggest to give it space and time. The runner runs for a reason that might be beyond your comprehension.
Whether it is to protect you or themselves from the relationship, there is nothing you can do to change it. The only thing you can do, is heal yourself and your childhood trauma.
Because as long as you don’t put in the inner work, a reunion from either side can’t happen. If I would figure out now that my twin flame is still narcissistic, I would keep running. I learned to love myself enough to not get back into such a dynamic anymore.
So please get to know yourself and your inner child and practice genuine self-love. The Universe will find a way if your twin flame needs to be back in your life.
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