I Am The Runner In My Twin Flame Relationship

This is why I let him go

Our society is defined by ego. Many of us are addicted to money and power and status. We feel bad when we don’t achieve what we want. We are told we need to work hard and earn our place in the world in order to fit in, need to find the perfect relationship and raise the perfect children, build the perfect career and be the perfect friend. We want everything; growth, money, love, freedom, happiness, connection, safety. Only then can we feel ‘fulfilled’. It’s all about us, to feed our ego. I have also lived my life for the last 32 years like that and was never aware of it. But then I met somebody that could be defined as my ‘twin flame’ and it changed everything.

I didn’t even know this type of love really existed.

When I met my boyfriend I thought I hit the jackpot: we had a crazy connection, spiritual sex, challenged each other, had deep conversations, the same hobbies and interests, the same core values. I didn’t even know this type of love really existed. On top of that he was also intelligent, rich, good looking, charming, sweet & loving, got along with my friends and was good in bed. What more could I want?

Our relationship seemed like a dream, even other people noticed it. People were drawn to us, came to us to ask for advice and were amazed by how much of a perfect team we were despite our differences. It was then that somebody referred me to an article about twin flames. I have always been skeptical about spirituality and soul mates, thought that everything in life was just a coincidence and we as humans mean nothing to the universe. I perceived monogamy and marriage as a product of society, a way to live to their standards and to get the most money and value out of you. I never believed that two people could be ‘made for each other’.

So the term twin flame cringed all the cells in my body. I was the most independent and autonomous person I knew, how could I be part of another soul? For those unfamiliar with the term twin flame or twin soul; it is said that your soul can split into two separate beings before you are born into your life on earth, to serve a higher purpose and to grow individually before you can reach union again. I know this sounds very vague and hoohaa-y and that’s exactly what I thought at first. When two twin flames meet, their relationship is from a different level. They are usually mirrors of each other, but share the same core values. They can’t stay away from each other, even if the circumstances in their lives make it almost impossible to form a relationship. It’s a very challenging bond as you bring up each other’s deepest fears and shadows. I realised I had met my twin flame after reading that article.

Our relationship was a rollercoaster on every possible level. We fell so in love that we both got scared of the connection. We entered into a spiritual awakening process. Were each other’s opposites and at the same time exactly the same. He was rich and career-focused; I was poor and a hippie traveler. He had a wife and kids; I was free and never committed. He was extrovert and outgoing; I was introvert and quiet. He meditated and read books; I partied and took drugs. He is from Latin America; I am from Europe. He was born in 77; I in 88. He was already married for 20 years; I never a had a serious relationship until I was 28.

The differences between us were insane, but we were drawn to each other like magnets.

We challenged each other’s lives and habits, grew immensely and learned a lot from each other. We had the same values in life: both the urge to protect the natural world, both interested in spiritual connections, both exploring polyamory, both free souls from the inside, both questioning society. We lived a very similar childhood, but came out completely different. His father was an alcoholic who died young; my father was a narcissist who moved to the other side of the world.

Because of him I started to be more awakened, questioned everything we do in life and how we see the world.

When we met, we both knew our lives were never gonna be the same again. I stayed in the same country after six years of traveling to be with him, he started thinking about divorcing his wife. He was teaching me on how to make lots of money and mentally challenge myself and I showed him how to live more in the moment and how to devalue money. Because of him I started to be more awakened, questioned everything we do in life and how we see the world. I developed deep friendships that I could never achieve before. Began to read spiritual texts and started to meditate. We took psychedelics together and practiced tantric sex that brought us to heights that I could not even fantasise about.

Our relationship was almost impossible. He lived in another city an hour’s flight away from where I stayed, had a wife and two teenage kids, owned multiple companies and was planning to move to another country. And I was a digital nomad planning to travel the world forever. But our connection changed everything. We were so sure of our love that he even told his wife about me and they opened up to be polyamorous, which is still a huge taboo in Mexico (where we live). We broke all rules of a conventional relationship and inspired others to do the same. I met his friends and business partners and learned a great deal about the Mexican upper rich layer. And they were astounded by how their millionaire friend could fall so hard for a poor backpacker girl.

I went through such an inner growth process during this relationship that at some point started to question my ego. Wasn’t our love based on ego as well? We pushed everything and everybody aside to be together, convinced his wife to try polyamory and he planned to move his whole family to the city where I was staying. I started to lose my independence to be with him whenever his schedule allowed it. I felt more and more that my ego was getting addicted to his love, his money, this way of life he was giving me.

With this realisation my body started to react as well; I lost weight, my hair started to fall out and every morning I woke up at 4am with anxiety attacks. I couldn’t place this altered state of mind and blamed it on external things. I learned to live with it for a while and stopped listening to my inner voice. Our relationship started to become more of a control game. We both wanted all of each other, all of our time together, we didn’t hang out with friends anymore, he didn’t spend time with his wife and kids anymore and we both felt this huge pressure to make it work between us.

So I broke my own heart and left him.

His children were the ultimate reason for our break-up. I knew that our egos were controlling our lives and our love for each other. His kids needed a father to be there for them, an example to look up to. Not a dad that is spending all his weekends with his girlfriend while their mother was heart-broken at home waiting for her husband to divorce her. She had also felt and seen our connection and realised that she could never reach that type of love with him. They were heading for a divorce and I knew that they needed time as a family to go through this process without my influence.

So I broke my own heart and left him. I stopped listening to my desperately screaming ego telling me to stay with him. I know that our love is worth fighting for and I will probably never achieve this type of connection again, but in order for complete union both souls have to let go of all attachments. He was too attached to me and forgot about these little human beings he was supposed to raise. My ego died when I made that decision and that, I think, is the ultimate expression of love.

I can only hope that one day we will meet again.

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