I Slept With My Boyfriend’s Wife

And now their marriage is better than ever

Being part of a polyamorous relationship is new for me and also for the couple that I am dating. My boyfriend and I started off as an affair (I know, red flags for successful ethical non-monogamy), but I soon found out he had no interest in leaving his wife anytime soon, mostly because there are children involved. I told him from the beginning that I would be open to polyamory, as I never felt ‘right’ in a monogamous relationship. He was caught by surprise, because he never considered this to be an actual solution to his desire to date and love multiple women. In Mexico, cheating is much more accepted than being openly poly.

I explained him that I always had monogamous boyfriends, but sooner or later felt trapped and the idea of being with one person for the rest of my life seemed very daunting to me. None of my previous boyfriends were ever willing to share me, so this new relationship could well be my introduction to polyamory.

In Mexico, cheating is much more accepted than being openly poly.

So I told him I would be open to involve his wife into our relationship if she wanted to, even though just the very thought of that actually happening scared me. As over time we grew closer to each other, the idea to really open up his marriage also started growing. We laid out all the pros and cons and after three months of dating, he told his wife about us. She was furious and asked him to end our relationship.

Then COVID-19 happened.

He and I couldn’t physically see each other anymore, but despite the distance our relationship grew stronger (thank you, Facetime!).

The lockdowns allowed his wife to settle more into the idea of her husband having a girlfriend and she started to read more about polyamory. By month two of the quarantine, she was ready to meet me as soon as the restrictions were lifted.

Her idea to meet up did not entirely come from just having time to read about this type of relationship however. Their marriage had been dying for years already, which is probably why the husband had been open to meeting another woman. Adding me into the mix made him light up again and he couldn’t hide it anymore. He became a better father to his kids, showed more appreciation towards his wife and accelerated in his job. Their marriage and family life instantly received a boost, making her believe my influence wasn’t so bad at all. Reading about polyamory and having time to reflect on it was just the push she needed to be able to open up her marriage.

And she wanted to meet the girl that her husband fell so in love with.

Girlfriend meets husband and wife

On the day we were meeting each other for the first time, I was terrified. Not only had I never been with a woman before, I had no idea of how my emotions would possibly get out of control by the sight of my boyfriend and his wife together. But me trying to be polyamorous for real had to start somewhere, so I took a leap of faith and came over to their city for three nights. His wife always had a sexual interest in women and having a threesome had been on my bucket list for years, so why not plan it with the person you love?

And although the whole weekend was an explosion of mixed emotions, it couldn’t have worked out better. I got to see (and better understand) the woman my boyfriend had chosen to marry and she met the person her husband fell so deeply in love with, making her feel more secure that I was not going to ‘steal’ her man away from her.

Of course you can also practice polyamory without meeting your partner’s girlfriend/boyfriend and I would probably even prefer that now after the knowledge of this shared experience. It takes a lot of open-mindedness to be with someone at the same that he is with his other partner, especially if you don’t actually love the second person but you are crazy in love with the first one.

It made me feel confused and vulnerable to imagine that my role might be done now that their marriage had been revived again.

The type of love he feels for the two different women differs a lot from each other, and there is big difference in approaching somebody you are in freshly love with or somebody that you have been married to for 20 years. I saw how much he still loves his wife and it felt weird for me to believe that I was causing that love to flourish again (as they both admitted during that weekend). It made me feel confused and vulnerable to imagine that my role might be done now that their marriage had been revived again.

I realized I could not fall in love with his wife to form a so-called triad, but our understanding of relationships and love in general grew massively since then. There are so many beautiful people you can share a connection with in this world, why only be with one of them during most of your life?

Not an easy journey

Even though my first experience with polyamory was mainly positive, it surely hasn’t been an easy road. Yes, jealousy is real and there are definitely some territorial feelings coming up by seeing the person you love having sex with somebody else that he also loves. I have also felt like the ‘unicorn’, thinking I was only part of their relationship to spice up their marriage. She, on the other hand, felt like she would never be good enough for him if she didn’t allow me into their bed and their marriage.

She now even encourages him to go see me, because he comes back to her with a lot of love to give.

Now a few months later their relationship is better than ever. He developed a different kind of love for his wife, because he feels so profoundly appreciated by her willing to be open to polyamory. And she learned to accept me completely, knowing that their marriage would have been over if he didn’t find a girlfriend to share things with that she can’t give him. She now even encourages him to go see me, because he comes back to her with a lot of love to give.

It takes three to tango

Many would say that true polyamory can only work when the primary relationship is stable and that a third should never be added to save a marriage. It’s not very common for an affair to end up in a successful poly relationship and it probably made things a lot harder for the three of us. It made me doubt his trustworthiness as well, since he lied for three months to his wife about me. What else might he have been lying about? If it wasn’t for our time apart during covid, I think things would have worked out differently. It was during that time that his wife had the chance to really talk about it with him and set her expectations and values.

I now feel totally comfortable with our set-up as I do love my own freedom and I totally believe in loving multiple people at the same time. Besides that, it makes me feel happy that they are happy again together and it benefits all of us.

I have learned many lessons about possession and jealousy so far and I don’t think I have ever stepped so far out of my comfort zone before, but I know one thing for sure: the way that society makes you believe on how to manage your relationships is far from the only truth.

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