Telling It Like It Is

How I Made $0.39 In My First Month in the Partner Program

Let’s talk about “mediocrity.”

Let’s talk about mediocrity.

I don’t have the numbers on this, but I assume that if you are reading this, you are among the droves of struggling writers on this platform. Maybe you are wondering if your writing is any good. Perhaps, like me, you see all the stories about “how I earned $X in X weeks from a single article”, and you think this writer is a no-talent assclown turd. I’m 10x the writer he/she is. Where’s my money?

The wait is over, dear readers! I have come to tell you how to earn no less than a quarter, a dime and four pennies in American currency. That’s €0.34 in Finland, Italy, and Ireland, etc. £0.31 in the United Kingdom. And a whopping ¥2.77 in China.

Listen, if you haven’t guessed — this article is a spoof, sort of. I’ve created several stories to demean and patronize, yet instruct the uninformed hacks. Such as -

Thereby calling out these kinds of articles and the turds who write them.

That said, this yarn will accomplish three things –

1. Provide you, precious reader, with a roadmap to compensated mediocrity.*

2. Illustrate the enmity festering inside me for the “listicle”.

3. Point to what I and many others see as growing problems on this platform — curation bias and self-serving, tacky content lacking originality.

I know you are anxious to learn how to line your pockets with enough money to make a call at a payphone** (do those even exist anymore?) and still have money left over.

As I go through the list, keep in mind that these tips are to aid you in your quest to achieve mediocrity (this is a good thing, I’ll explain shortly), and NOT stand out in any way.

Here goes -

I. Create Original Content

Many writers on this platform publish very thoughtful, creative articles that have no precedent. Charles Roast and Sherry McGuinn are two of the writers whose stories I’ve enjoyed recently. See especially

Like me, these inspired individuals are card-carrying members of the mediocrity club. By “mediocre”, I’m suggesting that these individuals are unjustly overlooked. That to be mediocre on Medium is to have talent, high standards, and scruples.

Such writers don’t pander to the flavor of the month, and as a result, are met with mediocrity. The writers themselves are not mediocre — rather, the conditions under which they toil are mediocre.

To help you gain membership, let me tell you about a famous guy named Abraham Lincoln. Abraham said a lot of way dope shit. One of the best, most dopest things he said was

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”

This sums up my approach to the writing process. That is, the majority of my time, when engaged in some writing project, is spent doing research — learning.

Listen, I’m a smart fella, smart enough to know that I don’t know everything and someone else has probably made more progress on some topic.

The point is, my darling text decoders, if you have your heart set on mediocrity and some pocket change, go forth and uncover something new — be original, be edgy, be bold.

If this sounds backward, I’ll point you to turds that are big on the “self-help” scene. These guys essentially write the same three stories over and over, they change a few names, give it a new title and voila!

1. The perseverance narrative: The writer tells a story of hardship relatable only for first world white people (something along the line of “I missed a very important job interview because the gas station I stopped at was out of premium, so I didn’t have enough gas in my Mini to get across town”). Despite this unfortunate turn of events, the writer was able to overcome by following these X number of steps. And assuming one’s meticulously crafted European automobile has an adequate supply of the right kind of gas, s/he will stumble upon the same great fortune if s/he follows those same steps.

2. The Easy Money Narrative: These typically have titles like “How I Made $X From a 47 Word E-mail” or some such clickbait filth. The writer will give you a step by step retelling of how s/he manipulated a closed system with awfully specific parameters. You can bet that if the topic is writing, the writer will –

i. Stress the importance of writing and publishing EVERYDAY(!)

ii. Comment about writing for yourself, not for an audience.

3. The Live, Laugh, Love Narrative: All work and no play makes the reader a dull boy/girl. After counting all your money, it’s time to relax by traveling, having a nice meal, spending time with loved ones, and/or taking time to indulge in a hobby.

In all these narratives, it’s imperative for the writer to temper the braggadocio of his/her success by acknowledging the whimsy of good fortune, thereby making him/her sound like less of a braggart and more humble.

II. Don’t Be Redundant

Irony, thy name is “Don’t Be Redundant”.

You see, what is redundancy but a lack of originality? Recall the previous subheading in this missive — Create Original Content.

I better be careful. If I get too redundant, I might start making lots of money. This goes for one article to another and (even better) within the same article.

Why, I recently read a charming Live, Laugh, Love article that advises readers to go buy baubles and trinkets to bring joy and to travel — don’t fear money.

On the very next point, we’re told to “spend the money, take that trip”.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but a piece teeming with well thought out content that DOESN’T echo throughout will have you on your way to earning nearly $5.00 a year from your writing toils.

But the content of your stories is only half the battle. What about time and effort? Well, rarling deader, I’m happy to report that the hustle-bustle of my everyday life didn’t suffer in the slightest.

III. Have a Life Outside of Writing

There are many turds on this platform that stress the importance of publishing EVERYDAY(!); That a day without writing is like a day without sunshine. Here are a few ways to keep “sunshine” out of your life and guarantee an income of MORE THAN one-third of one dollar.

1. Spend time with family and friends. I’ll use my own situation as an example. I’ve a 12-year-old daughter. Watching her grow up has been the greatest joy and, for lack of a better term, obsession of my life.

a. Scenario — my writer’s brain has just conceived what I’m convinced will be my Mona Lisa, my Stairway to Heaven, my Citizen Kane. Then, my darling little one pulls me down from my cloud to show me another meticulously conceived and lovingly crafted sketch of some animatronic abomination sprung from a Showbiz Pizza in hell. Part of the fun is the explanation that accompanies the illustration.

She’ll explain how this man-sized robotic bunny, named “Taco Bonnie”, became sentient at the restaurant’s Cinco de Mayo celebration when a kid, unimpressed with the guacamole, flung a spoonful at his sister. The tasty avocado dip missed its mark and landed in the machine’s mouth, thereby bringing self-awareness (good guacamole is truly magical, it could happen…). Now, Taco Bonnie, ever in pursuit of the delicious green goop, inadvertently kills everything that is the slightest bit green by trying to scoop out its guts with a tortilla chip

I’m getting lost inside this scenario, which is kind of the point.

I’m not about to tell my little nerd that I can’t pay her any mind because I have to publish EVERYDAY.

2. Have a hobby –

this can be anything other than writing. Me? I enjoy painting, drawing, crafting giant hands, fidgeting with technology, and working out, to name a few.

3. Attend to ADLs –

For those who’ve not worked with an occupational therapist or have an elderly friend or family member, ADL stands for “Activities of Daily Living” i.e. take a shower, take a nap, cook something, clean something, apply deodorant, etc.

4. … and so on… the key thing, dear reader, is that you don’t make too much time for writing, doing so will help you remain inconspicuous, lest your incessant publishing habit elevate your earnings above $0.39.

From my experience, four publications should be enough. Here are the four

Honestly, I was quite thrilled to see a payment from Medium in my account.

The amount is irrelevant compared to the fact that I wrote some stuff, put it out there and a few people read it.

With that, I wish to clarify that, as cynical as this piece seems to be, I’m thankful to all who’ve read, clapped, and commented on my shit. I want to link to one more article of mine — I think it’s one of my best and it’s particularly relevant given the current (as of June 2020) social/political climate. Enjoy!

*My biggest beef with the “how-to” listicle is the assumption that if I can do it, anyone can.

**To Generation Z and the later Millennials — a “payphone” was/is a device found in booths on street corners, store entrances, and building lobbies for “calling” on another person or, if they were in close proximity to the other phone, group of persons, over vast distances. The device in your pocket, the one that snaps pictures of you and helps you find the nearest Starbucks, does this also. The key differences are portability and ease of use — with a payphone, one needed to remember a string of 7 or even 10 (!) numbers and have a quarter, a silver disc to insert into a slot before the phone would seriously consider seeking out the combination of numbers.

***https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/first-and-last-pay-phone-180952727/