How “One” Can Be Our Salvation

It’s a little known scientific fact the heads of happy, healthy people are GARGANTUAN.

This is a continuation of a vital series about the smallest increment, the first part can be found HERE

Let’s talk about context.

I’ve started this story five times give or take. The other five were probably good enough for publication. For me, “good enough” isn’t…well, good enough. As that lovable misanthropic robot Bender put it — “Eh, great is OK, but amazing would be great.” That said, here is my homage to one, that loneliest of numbers…

I know I said we would talk about context. I submit to you, dear reader, that the number one is the most contextually robust concept in the entire universe.

The number one, despite its face value, has so many layers and subtleties of meaning. Aside from declaring the best, topmost of something and representing the discharge of liquid waste from the body, “one more” is simultaneously our most sinister vice (“one more bite of…”, “one more beer/glass of wine/shot of goldschlager”, or “one more episode of ‘Hoarders’”) and hopeful equanimity (“one more lap”, “one more bite of broccoli” or “one more math problem/line of editing/proofreading”).

I submit to you, rear deader, that the number one is the key to salvation in these troubled, uncertain times. How? I despise and abhor the “listicle” format, but it’s best choice for this missive.

Here goes, the 47 ways (that’s not accurate, I don’t know how many they’ll be) the number one can help us and you, you, and even you with there, with the fingernails, during the quarantine –

The True Value of One.

Let’s look again to that gritty smallest common denominator, the cockroach of world of US currency, the penny (again, I direct you to PREVIOUS ENTRY in this series I have had a fascination with pennies since having brain surgery in 2009. Pennies have miniscule value, yes; but they are still legal tender. As far as I know, you could go to your local Tesla dealership with 3,999,000 pennies, about 23,116lbs. (that’s 10.5 metric tons) of coins and drive away with a brand-new Model 3. When asked how much the vehicle costs, “$39,990 — that being one counted 39,990 times” would be an appropriate, if incredibly nerdy response. Such a response demonstrates the awful simplicity, nay profane complexity of the number one (that being one counted one times). I submit to you, darling reader, that considering a gratuitously large sum in this manner makes it far more approachable and less intimidating.

For what is grit but the ability to endure despite the seemingly endless (that being one of something over and over and over, and so on) onslaught of some irksome object(s) or situation(s)?

C’mon! One (that being one counted one times) more…

I take frequent (that being a single occurrence…uh… Occurring repeatedly at regular intervals.) jaunts around a local park to contemplate this and/or that. As per my usual route, I arrived at a series of terraced concrete outcroppings.

I traversed this system of “steps” that I might –

1. By means of gradual ascent — approach and, indeed, arrive at some distant, elevated destination.

2. By means of gradual descent — approach and, indeed, arrive at some distant, low destination.

3. By combining the ascension and descension previously enumerated to elevate the heart rate. Thereby contributing to my cardiovascular health and overall wellness.

4. Have a conversation with my knees. They sound like pepper grinders trying unsuccessfully to grind BBs.

You see, I haven’t been to the gym in over a month (that being 30ish sets of one day), so I try to walk the Fitbit prescribed 10,000 (that being one counted ten thousand times) steps a day. When reckoned in this manner, 10,000 (that being one counted ten thousand times) is nothing more than a long chain of isolated instances. It’s easy to say, “well, it’s only 11am (that being 11 one hour periods from 00:00) and I already have 4,000 (that being one counted four thousand times) steps , I’m going to go watch ‘Tiger King’.” But, do you know what’s better than 4,000 (that being one counted four thousand times) steps? 5,000 (that being one counted five thousand times) steps, 4,500 (that being one counted four thousand five hundred times) steps, 4,107 (that being one counted four thousand one hundred and seven times) steps, or shit, even 4,001 (that being one counted four thousand and one times) steps.

The key is to make one (that being one counted one times) work for you. In the previous example, “one (that being one counted one times) more” could literally be one (that being one counted one times) single solitary step. It could be one (that being one counted one times) more set of terraced outcroppings, one (that being one counted one times) more lap around the park, or even one…thousand (that being one counted one thousand times) more steps.

A Small Gratuity

I read about a guy who, in support of a locally owned restaurant, called in a small order and overpaid by $50+ (that being one counted more than 50 times).

I know what you’re saying — “$50 (that being one counted about 50 times)?

That’ll barely keep the lights on for a few (that being one counted two, maybe three times) days.” This is true. However, I submit to you, reader most dear, that that could be the two (that being one counted two times) days before they are to open again. More to the point, what if 50 (that being one counted 50 times) individuals overpaid by a modest $5 (that being one counted five times). That is an extra $250 (that being one counted 250 times) per week. That’s an extra $1,000 (that being four instances of one counted 250 times). If you’ve extra cash money, considering throwing in a little extra on your next carryout from a local restaurant or give the pizza delivery person a HUGE tip.

JOMP! JOMP!

JOMP = “Just One More, Please.” One more what? More important than the addition of something is an understanding of scale. Truly, one (that being one counted one times) of something in the presence of 1000 (that being one counted 1000 times) or more (that being one counted more than 1000 times) somethings is but a trifle, unworthy of further consideration. But what if those somethings are humans? Moreover, one (that being one counted one times) compared to two (that being one counted two times) is still one (that being one counted one times); one (that being one counted one times)…

… Okay, I hope that at this point I have demonstrated that any large number is just a bunch of small numbers.…

… One (that being o… Oh, sorry…) next to 1000 or a zillion kajillion is still one.

Our real concern should be the difference between one and zero. Allow me to demonstrate with some carefully crafted graphics.

The difference between 1 and 2 is quite staggering. In terms of this pandemic, here’s what that difference might look like -

This sickly pyramid is then recreated for each member of the original pyramid, like so –

Now, have a look at the difference between one and zero –

Now, everyone in the ‘B’ category is disease-free –

I know what you’re thinking, Querido lector y lectora, your thoughts badger me like that student in the back of the class who, despite repeated requests (both amicable and hostile) to zip it, continues to chat about “epic no-scopes” on COD, with the thought,

“everyone else will be quiet, so I don’t have to.”

Likewise, you’re thinking

“everyone else will stay home, so I don’t have to. Besides, this is ‘murica! Land of the free, home of the brave!”

Put this in your pipe and smoke it, freedom loving ‘muricans — if almost everyone thinks that way, will anyone stay at home?

This is neither here nor there — you do have the right to, within reasonable parameters, come and go as you please. I’m not here to tell you how to conduct yourself in these uncertain times, I’m merely offering a strategy to make it more bearable for all parties.

“JOMPing” To Conclusions

if you would rather not “JOMP”, might I suggest that you “JOMM”, “JOMD”, or “JOMY”, if it isn’t too familiar. In terms of concept represented by the colorful graphics, one might say to friends/family members/one’s self –

“let’s wait Just One More [day], Man.” Or

“let’s wait Just One More [day], Dude.” Or even,

“let’s wait Just One More [day], Yo..”

SUCK IT UP

I often think about a line from the scifi blockbuster Event Horizon. The forlorn and misguided Dr. Weir, portrayed expertly by Everyman Sam Neill, despite the guarantee of inexplicable pain and horrors not experienced this side of the mortal realm, approaches the controls of a door beset by a beast undaunted by the density and hardness of steel. Just before opening the door, Dr. Weir has his arm twisted painfully by Lieutenant Starck, portrayed by the lovely Joely Richardson, and told that “self-control is an asset.” To be sure, my solutions call for rigorous self-discipline.

I wish I could offer you a strategy to make such austerity unnecessary, but we all need to do each other and ourselves a favor by SUCKING IT UP!

I detest and abhor the very idea of a “life hack.” Only by hard work will things get easier.

Take heart, precious reader, however you choose to “JOM”, I am asking little more than that you take care of you. Allow me to modify a quote from our most revered 35th commander in chief, John Fitzgerald Kennedy –

“Ask not what [some entity] can do for you; ask what you can do for yourself.”

From there, work up. Some examples –

“Ask not what [some entity] can do for you; ask what you can do for your spouse.”

“Ask not what [some entity] can do for you; ask what you can do for your children.”

“Ask not what [some entity] can do for you; ask what you can do for your parents.”

“Ask not what [some entity] can do for you; ask what you can do for your neighbor.”

“Ask not what [some entity] can do for you; ask what you can do for that crazy lady with parakeet.”

And so on.

By this gradual ascent, you will begin to understand the subtle enormity of “one”