How I Discovered the Incredible Power of Vulnerability & Connection

Being weak showed me what being strong really is.

Marilyn Flower posted a recent article in which she asked readers to respond to this question: Freedom, Independent, Inter-dependent, Limited, or Trapped — Which are You?

Thinking about it, I knew, like Marilyn, my instinct was always to be independent. If I need nothing from anyone, I can’t be disappointed. At least, that had been my modus operandi for most of my life.

When I was only three, I almost drowned because no adult was watching me.

Life didn’t get better from there. My mother was unpredictable, and so was my entire life. We moved more than once a year, so I never formed the supportive web that’s meant to nourish and support each other.

I counted on being strong and capable, the person that others could depend on. Then, three years ago, my life was turned upside down when I barely survived a near-fatal car accident.

Me, with a walker? It was humiliating, yet I learned valuable truths.

No longer could I do the hard work required of an organic vegetable farmer. How would I support myself? My broken bones healed faster than my shattered spirit.

Then, the universe brought the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown into my life. Here she wrote about the moments of unraveling that can happen in our lives, those times when despair causes us to look anew at the essence of our lives. Yep — I needed a new chapter in my life’s story.

I wrote an article a few days ago discussing the power of positive thinking and mentioned this New Yorker article.

Author Ian Parker quoted Yuval Noah Harari, “One thing I think about how humans work — the only thing that can replace one story is another story.”

Perhaps you’ve seen Choose Your Own Adventure books?

Thinking about another story, or another chapter in my story, reminded me of a series of books my kids loved. As the story unfolds, the reader gets to make choices: If you search for the yeti, turn to page 11. If you think it is safest to stay put and call for help, turn to page 25.

Of course, if the reader doesn’t like how one choice turns out there’s always a do-over, go back and try the other option.

In real life, change is harder.

But as one of my therapists told me when I was agonizing over a decision, “Unless you kill someone, you can always change your mind.” And he was right.

I could relinquish my self-righteous independence and learn the value of true human connection—the trait that Marilyn calls interdependence in her writing prompt.

Over the weeks and months of my recovery and physical therapy, I had time to absorb more of Brene Brown’s message.

I define connection as the energy between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. — Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, p. 19.

I believe connection and interdependence are essential for a happy life.

Did you notice the words give and receive without judgment? I didn’t need to shame myself or anyone else for needing help. What freedom! What love.

Have you seen the poem Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte? It begins with this line, If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn, and I had learned that lesson well. I had trouble ever believing I was enough and if I wasn’t, neither was anyone else.

Of course, I never really was self-sufficient, but it was easier to pretend so when I was strong. Months and years of soul-searching later, I’ve been relieved to gratefully lay the burden of perfection down.

Vulnerable? Yes. Happy to offer help? Yes, that, too.

Everything on our planet is interconnected, from the soil web to the moon's influence upon the tides. Acknowledging this fact, embracing this truth will create a healthier planet and happier inhabitants.

So, Marilyn, in answer to your question, How independent, interdependent, limited, or trapped are you? I honestly can say while I try to work hard and be helpful, I’m proud to be less independent than I used to be, and I want to be ever more interdependent.

And if you’re interested in learning more about the work of Brene Brown, she’s revisiting The Gifts of Imperfection this summer on her podcast.

Cindy has been a farmer, teacher, bookstore owner, and writer. She loves books and is intensely curious about life. Join the conversation.