How to Increase Our Resiliency
A lifelong journey to boost our happiness factor.
I love gnarly battered trees growing on rocky seaside cliffs.
While this twisted, windswept specimen will never mimic the majestic oak, its survival is beauty. That’s a picture of resilience to me.
An article on the American Psychological Association website defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.”
For years, I’ve wondered, “What makes some people able to survive enormous difficulties and not only survive but thrive?”
Is it their genetic makeup? Some fortunate fluke in their family of origin that imbued them with some happiness gene?
And then some people may be called “Eeyores” after the gloomy, pessimistic donkey friend of Winnie-the-Pooh.
A cloud in the sky? “It’s probably going to pour today.”
The car is slow to start on a cold morning? “I imagine it’s the engine.”
These are the proverbial glass-is-half-empty folks.
Greater minds than mine have been looking for answers — and finding them.
Neuroscientists, behavioral psychologists, and religious seekers all wonder the same thing; what are the factors that allow some people to bend under adversity yet not break?
And how can this resilience not only involve “bouncing back” from difficult experiences, it can even result in profound personal growth?
Decades of study show that both nature and nurture affect humans’ abilities to survive difficulty. Even more promising is the research that shows we can all learn skills to become more resilient.
It is a fact that Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can be measured and may decrease our resiliency to stress and increase our risk of negative health outcomes.
But Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) can help offset the negative experiences. Having even one adult that stood by us and believed in us is enormously helpful. Hooray for aunties, grandparents, and more!
Academic research, interviews, and numerous dissertations, no doubt — have revealed the secrets.
Resilience is made up of five pillars: self-awareness, mindfulness, self-care, positive relationships & purpose.
- Self-awareness is a level of maturity that allows us to recognize and, yes, accept our strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions.
- Mindfulness is learning how to be here now. I can observe my thoughts and feelings without labeling them good or bad. When I am mindful, I can take better care of myself and be kinder to others.
- Self-care means different things to each person. It’s taking responsibility for ourselves, physically and emotionally, realizing I matter. Personally, I need to spend time outdoors, preferably walking in nature. Taking time to do that is self-care.
- Positive relationships increase our sense of well-being. Humans need to have others we can love and trust. We need connections with people we can depend on.
- Purpose is the belief in something greater than ourselves. For some, it’s work or family. Others find fulfillment in hobbies or helping to make the world a better place. We all need that reason to get out of bed in the morning.
The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance. ― Viktor E. Frankl
Did you know we can improve our resiliency?
The single most important factor in people who successfully survive adversity is a positive attitude. And we can improve our attitude. I’ve proved it in my own life, and many others have too.
Years ago, when I was a young mother, I read a parenting book that gave some excellent advice.
“Yes, there are plenty of times we have to tell our kids no, correct them and direct them. But for every negative statement, be sure to give three positive comments.”
So, if I have to say, “Take off your muddy shoes on the porch, please.” Then I will need to say, “Thanks for putting your plate in the sink.” “I appreciated you fed the dog on time,” and “I saw you reading to your little brother.”
It helped me be aware of how often I gave suggestions that probably weren’t needed and how seldom I made positive comments.
Guess what? We’re really just great big kids!
Way back in 2009, I read the book Positivity by Barbara L. Frederickson. The author presented irrefutable data supporting what she calls the 3:1 ratio of positivity.
For every heart-wrenching negative emotional experience we have, we need to experience three positive ones.
This was the ratio that she found to be the tipping point, predicting whether people languish or flourish. And that’s not all — these positive thinkers live ten years longer than the negative thinkers.
But, of course, there’s more. First, we must honestly believe our positive thoughts. The good news is that it can become a habit.
Frederickson suggests that our family tree and childhood experiences probably account for about half of our mental disposition. This means we can improve the other fifty percent!
How to have more heart-felt positive experiences.
Luckily, the last third of the book, Positivity, gives us step-by-step suggestions to improve our outlook. In addition, she includes a quiz to learn more about our mental state and explanations of how to decrease negativity.
Becoming aware of our thoughts is the first step, and then catching ourselves and interrupting the negative thinking with what she calls ‘healthy distraction’. This can be something like exercise, spending time with others, or an enjoyable hobby.
Observing ourselves and our reactions is the first step to mindfulness, another resiliency factor listed above. Also, look at our media consumption. Do we fill our minds and hearts with bad news and gossip? How about reducing that habit? We need to change what 12-step programs call Stinkin’ Thinkin’.
Next, she moves into increasing gratitude, finding our strengths, and identifying our passions. But, again, you’re probably noticing some similarities to the five pillars of resiliency.
The last part of the book is devoted to building a New Toolkit to build our new way of life. She calls these our ten portfolios; joy, gratitude, serenity, interests, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love.
We keep adding to these Portfolios throughout our lives. Each is a real, physical, or digital folder. In it, we collect photos, memories, favorite quotes, cards from loved ones, things that resonate with that topic.
When we feel a downward motion, usually when experiencing stress, we can open our Portfolio and feel renewed.
Am I a positive psychology junkie? Probably.
We only have one life to live, and my goal is to be as healthy as I can, emotionally and physically. So I am a student of life — constantly learning.
Here are some of my favorite books on the subjects of happiness and positivity. Each one has important truths that are well worth learning. I hope you will find a helpful one.
Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3-to-1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life by Barbara Fredrickson
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman
Emotional Intelligence: For a Better Life, success at work, and happier relationships. Improve Your Social Skills, Emotional Agility and Discover Why it Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel J. Siegel
Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness by Rick and Forrest Hanson
Additional Resources:
National Alliance on Mental Health Resiliency Booklet
Being Well podcast and courses
Cindy has been a farmer, teacher, bookstore owner, and writer. She loves reading and is intensely curious about life. Sign up here for a brief weekly update.