avatarJennifer March, MS

Summary

The author shares their personal experience of being groomed online as a minor and critiques the societal response that often shifts blame to the victim rather than the predators, while also addressing the "Not All Men" narrative.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's harrowing account of being groomed in an online chatroom at the age of 13 by adult men. Despite sharing her story to raise awareness and connect with others who have had similar experiences, the author faced significant victim-blaming and unsolicited defense of men, with many missing the point of her narrative. She emphasizes the importance of focusing on the actions of predators rather than questioning the victim's behavior. The author also challenges the "Not All Men" rhetoric, asserting her right to view men with caution due to her past traumas and the predatory behavior she encountered. She calls for a shift in perspective to recognize the signs of predators and to educate rather than blame victims, especially minors who are not equipped to understand the dangers of such situations.

Opinions

  • The author believes that the focus should be on the adults who engaged with her knowing she was a minor, not on her actions as a victim.
  • She expresses frustration with the "Not All Men" defense, which she feels derails the conversation from the real issue of predatory behavior.
  • The author feels that her experience with online grooming has given her a skewed view of adult relationships and sexuality, which was influenced by the inappropriate behavior of men in the chatroom.
  • She points out that the backlash and victim-blaming she received after sharing her story are indicative of a broader societal issue of not holding predators accountable.
  • The author advocates for education on recognizing predators as a means of preventing victimization, rather than scrutinizing the actions of victims.
  • She is adamant that her personal viewpoint, shaped by her experiences, is valid and should not be dismissed in favor of defending men as a whole.

How Did A Story of Being Groomed on The Internet Turn Into A Campaign for “Not All Men”?

Criticize the predator, not the victim

Source: Suzi Kim on Unsplash

Trigger Warning: Talk of sexual situations involving a minor

I chose to write a very personal story about when I was groomed by strange men in an infamous online chatroom. I understood putting this out there would warrant criticism — which is fine. But I wasn’t prepared for the number of people who told me that I shouldn’t think negatively of men.

A lot of people have read this story, so I am getting my experience out there. I’ve connected with a few people who actually had a similar experience as well. By sharing my story, I reached people that I didn’t know existed. It was such a warm feeling to know that I was not alone.

But with the good, there’s always some bad. Aside from the wonderful comments I received, I got some comments defending the men in the story and men in general — criticizing my behavior instead.

The first couple of comments didn’t bother me. But then more came in, and I started to question why I was being criticized for this happening to me. I had to hide responses to my story as the comments were filled with too much victim-blaming.

Criticize the predator, not the victim

Instead of looking at me as the problem, look to the adults and grown men that knowingly engaged with me as a minor. I told them my real age, and that didn’t even stop them.

I thought I was being grown up and mature by doing these things. Being an adult now, I know that I was not acting mature, and I was being used. I also had a broken home life, and this chat room was a source of attention for me — and the men in that chat room knew that, too.

Some of the responses such as, “Why did you even go on there?” really confused me. They act as if I had the foresight at 13 years old to know danger when I see it. I was an impulsive teen exploring what being an adult was like. Why were there men on there looking to talk to only young girls? Let’s talk about that instead!

Keep in mind, the only previous chat room that I could enter was an AOL chat room. I never saw any of this gross, sexual behavior on the AOL adult chat rooms. So how could I know that it was dangerous?

I was always taught never to share my real name, address, or where I went to school. I never shared any of my real information in that explicit chatroom, so I thought I was safe.

I had never been exposed to sex before, and what I was exposed to right away was horrendous. But after I went on the site, I began to believe that rough and degrading sex was what being an adult was like.

Stop defending men

We all have our own inner world and a distinct upbringing that teaches us about our environment.

Many of the men I grew up with were rude, abusive, and terrifying. This has led me to be wary of men, and that’s okay. I am allowed to have a ‘yes, all men’ viewpoint because I can’t trust men as easily as you might.

If you have a ‘not all men’ mentality, that’s fine. You can definitely believe whatever you want. I am not going to invalidate the positive experiences you have had with men.

What I went through was traumatic and still affects me to this day. Don’t tell me that my experiences aren’t valid so that you can defend men.

I can’t comprehend how someone would read a story about heavy sexual themes involving a child, and the only takeaway is, “not all men.”

Others went on to say that I shouldn’t be labeling all men and that I need to understand what a real man is.

I was actively on that chat site, stating my true age of 13, and men still wanted to engage with me. Why did they not have the insight to not be a pedophile?

I began to wonder if the people who defended men did not consider that maybe I am exactly what those men were looking for? They sought me out, targeted me, and knew exactly what they were doing. Their behavior was premeditated.

And during all of this, I really thought I was getting away with it. I thought I was passing for some grown, mature woman that a guy would want. Please keep in mind that I was 13; what did I know about being an adult?

Mind you, at this point, I didn’t even know how sex worked, and I didn’t know that people actually craved sex in that way. I thought sex was how you made babies, and it’s what married couples do for fun.

Going on to that chatroom, I didn’t expect sex. I expected adult talk, but not the dirty, vile, domination type talk. I knew it wasn’t going to be kid-appropriate, but I wasn’t anticipating some guy with the username, ‘masterc0ck69’ who was eager to make me his new, very young sex slave.

We should stop thinking about what someone shouldn’t have done to prevent a situation like this, but rather spot the red flags that can point you towards the true danger.

The line that had people upset

This quote from my article really ruffled some feathers:

I learned that men want sex and only sex. I need to make sure I am exactly what men need and desire. But I thought that if a man was not forward about sex with me, that meant that they weren’t like the gross men on Chat-Avenue.

This statement I made seemed to really send some people into a frenzy.

A lot of the responses I got were for the line “I learned that men want sex and only sex.” Many of the comments referred to the fact that this statement was completely false. And then I was chastised for saying this in my article.

One person even stated that they hope that I do not pass this on to my daughters.

Another person said I needed to understand that not all men were like that.

Even one person said I should have known better and that I gave those men exactly what they wanted. So, of course, it’s not the men’s fault.

But I need you to understand that the point of this article was not to pick apart what I should or shouldn’t have done. I am not at blame; I was a child. I didn’t know what I was doing or how serious my actions were.

I am bringing awareness to an issue that many people did not know existed.

Preventing dangerous situations like this should be prevented through educating people on the signs of a predator, not the actions of the victim.

Source: Get The Facts About Online Predators on uKnowKids

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