How Being a ‘Nice Girl’ Backfires
This is how we take our power back
From birth, I was groomed to be nice.
To be kind, beautiful and gentle.
I was taught to pick my words and bite my tongue.
To be of service and never complain.
Soon everyone called me a nice girl I wore it as a badge of honor
I quickly learned to never say NO. To mold myself to suit everyone, and to suppress my negative emotions.
Because of that, I struggled to form healthy boundaries and relationships. Girlfriends took advantage and boyfriends abused. I was a walking breathing doormat and I didn’t mind because being nice was more important.
I remember a time with my then-boyfriend manhandled me in public I got away when he almost head-butted me. Even though he put his hands on me and threatened me. I still paid his rent and nursed his wounded hand. I even apologized for provoking his temper…… why? Because I had to be nice.
This narrative isn’t new, it’s been happening for years passed down from one generation to the next. It has rob young girls and women of being themselves. It’s time we stop the nice girl narrative and not pass the baton to the next generation. The trauma of being a nice girl ends with us.
The journey to recovery
The truth is nice girls believe they can`t get their needs met if they are authentic so they tailor themselves to a version they believe would be acceptable to others.
But where did this belief come from?
According to Dr. Robert Glovers, this belief stems from childhood shame. When children are shamed by their parents/guardians it provokes a need to get love, even if it means sacrificing themselves.
When a children are shamed they believe they are bad if this belief is carried into adulthood it’s very damaging because they abandon their boundaries and desires to get the love and approval they didn’t get when they were young.
No wonder we struggled to say NO.
Have you ever wondered why anyone would want to be close to a person after an insult or abuse?
On the surface it may seem like they`re “being nice” but subconsciously they can`t bear the thought of someone not liking them. Why? Because they have not yet learned to value themselves. Being nice is, therefore, a mask for low self-esteem and co-dependency.
Please don’t mistake being nice and being kind. The two are very different as explained by the psychiatrist Marcia Sirota, “kind” implies that one has set expectations and clear boundaries, “nice” implies that one is simply agreeable.
5 ways to start the recovery process
1. Put your needs first, not in a selfish manner but in a way that you learn to be more in tune with your needs
2. Smiling is a learned behavior that most women do because they have to. From now smile when you mean it. It`ll be a step towards embracing your authenticity.
3. Allow yourself to fully experience the feeling of shame so that you can let go and reconcile with your inner child. Because the nice girl narrative was formed as a coping mechanism to hide your childhood shame
4. Practice externalizing your emotions by writing or talking about it. Hearing and seeing your thoughts will help you see how toxic they are
5. At your core, all you wanted was to be loved yet the only way to get it is to give yourself the love, respect, and admiration you deeply needed and naturally, people will gravitate to you
Before you leave I have interesting topics for you
Do you believe in redemption?, you may like to read A teenager was beaten to death his crime, reminded me of my own
An absent father affects us much more than we care to admit, read about The damage only a father can do
If you’re struggling with forgiveness, you may read How to let go of the apology you never received
You may want something sultry like He was a forbidden fruit I had to have him
If you want hope during this time, you may read The recovery rate of COVID-19 is worth talking about
Thank you for your time
