How to Let Go of The Apology You Never Received

Set yourself free

I’ve felt the raw pain of betrayal the one that tears your heart changes your mood and makes you cry months and years after. I’ve replayed events scrutinized stories and inquired hoping to understand characters in a story I should have left behind.

I guess I was looking to redeem the present from the past. Instead, I got lost in a story titled I won’t forgive UNLESS I get an apology.

So I understand I’ve been there. Like you, I held on to pain.

The pain gave me comfort, it reminded me of the lessons I learned and the punishment they deserved. So I carried it in my heart, replayed it in my mind and imagined countless ways Karma would come around at them.

But pain is a beautiful oxymoron it gives comfort and brings agony.

This agony sparked a desire for a heartfelt apology I knew if my pain was acknowledged I would find peace. So I was stuck waiting for an apology that has and may never come.

Naturally, I sought the next best thing, pity.

I complained to anyone that could listen. It gave me validation but not the peace I needed. I wallowed in my situation as a way to punish wrongdoers. If they see me this way they can finally acknowledge my pain, I would say.

But they didn’t.

So I held onto my pain. It morphed into resentment and dug roots of bitterness deep in my heart.

I noticed the impact when my body manifested my resentment in the form of chronic backaches that cripple me each time I felt contempt. Being spiritual I knew my body was urging me to look unflinchingly at what my pain was trying to teach. These were the lessons.

Why we’re hell-bent on getting an apology.

We want our wrongdoers to awaken and attempt amends, to crawl bare-kneed on hot sand, sobbing while admitting their cruelty and begging for forgiveness over sun-split lips. Ok…. ok not like this but you get the idea.

We want justice for our pain.

Sometimes we seek an apology just to reject it. Hearing their voice crack feels like payback.

At our core, we need an apology to humanize the other, to not view them as heartless but more like ourselves human and fallible.

I remember when a friend gave a heartfelt apology after breaking my trust. For months, we didn’t speak to each other when she did apologize she acknowledged my feelings of hurt and anger.

Her apology neutralized my anger helped my body relax and allowed me to let go. The experience relieved me and liberated her. Though it couldn’t undo the wrong done, it undid the negative consequences and reconciled our friendship.

Studies in Social Psychology found that an apology encourages forgiveness by eliciting sympathy it’s therefore, a gift for both the receiver and giver.

We all hope for a sincere apology because it implies that one cares enough to put their ego aside to understand us. But life can be unfair sometimes we can’t get the apology we need, this brings us to the next question.

Why wrongdoers may never apologize?

I was once the person who never apologized. It wasn’t that I couldn’t see right from wrong or the impact my choices and actions made. I could see it all. I was just a product of my upbringing.

This is not an excuse, so please stay with me.

I was raised in a household that saw no value in an apology. I’m sorry was never spoken when anyone wronged the other we just went on as though nothing happened. My parents believed a stoic outlook would prepare us for the realities of life. We became resilient but unable to form meaningful relationships.

Being that person for over 20 years here are 3 reasons I never apologized.

1. I never understood the power of an apology. I didn’t know how liberating it felt or the gift I would be giving the other

2. I’m sorry meant I was admitting to being wrong that meant I was bad and my self-esteem was tied to me being good

3. Apologizing was difficult so ignoring became my copying mechanism- by not apologizing I didn’t have to face my pain

These were all signs of low self-esteem so to apologize, one needs high self-esteem and emotional strength. Which is lacking in most people.

‘I’m sorry’ is saying ‘I love you’ with a wounded heart in one hand and your smothered pride in the other- Richelle E. Goodrich

A lack of an apology is seldom about you, it’s often about the wrongdoer’s problems. It’s best to let them figure it out on their own. Your role is to understand such character flaws exist. They may eventually realize their faults and apologize.

But you can’t wait around for that to happen. Life is too short.

Instead, you can work towards forgiveness so that you are not at the mercy of your past.

How to forgive?

Forgiveness is to let go of the things that no longer serve us. From experience, we know it’s not that simple. It’s easier to forgive one who broke a cup but not one who broke your heart.

Even when we know that letting go is better we hold on. So, how does one forgive and set free from this mental prison?

· Change your perspective and focus on it. The perspective you hold determines your potential to forgive. Find one that isn’t shaming but one that improves how you feel

· Focus on yourself. Be selfish. When we are hurt, we focus on the one who wronged us, wondering how and why they did what they did. By focusing on yourself you get to give your “hurt self” the undivided attention it needs, this is where healing starts

· Let go of the victim mentality. It’s impossible to forgive when you`re still a victim because victims dwell in the past and believe others are responsible for their happiness. So give yourself an empowering story, you will feel better and your focus will shift

. Use your pain to empower others. Talk about your pain and how it made you a better person. Studies show that talking about pain helps us thoroughly process the experience. It also reduces our suffering by allowing us to see the good in ourselves

Pain is the best teacher and forgiveness is the best medicine

The rewards of letting go are endless here are my 3 favorites

1. It strengthens our hearts. Research has shown a correlation between forgiveness and physical health. Those with a forgiving nature had a lower heart rate and blood pressure than the average person

2. Forgiveness makes us feel good this curbs our self-destructive patterns and addictions

3. Allows us to thrive by releasing internalized guilt and shame from way back

Forgiveness won’t happen today or tomorrow but if you move in the direction of healing it will eventually happen. You`ve already begun your journey commit today and set yourself free.

I will leave you with these words “Pain came to teach it was never meant to stay. If it does it turns into a poison that destroys us from within”.

You are most welcome to read He was a forbidden fruit, I had to have him and When to let go of a friendship.