Summary

The article discusses the signs and reasons for letting go of a friendship that has deteriorated over time.

Abstract

The narrative begins with the author recounting a once-thriving university friendship that slowly deteriorated due to subtle conflicts and changes in the friends' dynamics. The author reflects on a specific incident that highlighted the growing rift, characterized by feelings of obligation, resentment, and a lack of authenticity. The article suggests that it's time to let go of a friendship when it feels like an obligation, when one constantly makes excuses for the other's behavior, when the effort is one-sided, or when the relationship is no longer enjoyable or maintained. It also distinguishes between accidental friendships based on convenience and intentional friendships built on mutual understanding and accommodation of each other's flaws. The author concludes with the notion that not all friendships are meant to last, and sometimes, despite effort, they may naturally end.

Opinions

The author believes that a friendship should not feel like an obligation but rather a mutual support system.
Excusing a friend's behavior repeatedly is seen as a sign of inauthenticity in the relationship.
One-sided efforts in maintaining a friendship can lower self-esteem and are indicative of an unhealthy relationship.
The article suggests that it's normal for friendships to evolve and that it's healthy to move on when there's no longer common ground.
The author emphasizes that friendships require attention and effort, and cannot be sustained on convenience alone.
There is an acknowledgment that some friendships are not meant to endure, and this should not necessarily be viewed negatively.
The author references Aristotle's distinction between accidental and intentional friendships to underscore the importance of understanding the nature of our relationships.

When to Let Go of a Friendship

We were University students when we met. Young, wide-eyed and eager to make most of the experience our privilege afforded. But we weren’t like everyone afraid of boys and never having had a sip of alcohol; we craved and feared our new found Freedom. So we found comfort in our friendship. We believed our similar virtues would allow us to explore university life without losing ourselves completely.

She was my go-to person when life was overwhelming and I was her voice of reason when she needed it.

Our friendship blossomed with ease we rarely fought, had our inside jokes, we even finished each other’s sentences. You could say we were cut from the same cloth. Before either of us could say it everyone labeled us best friends. It felt so natural that we ran with it.

As we grew up, we grew apart. Looking back it all happened so slow no one could tell how or when it all began. From memory, I remember subtle jabs, annoyances, and silent treatments. Were these signs of a dying friendship? I didn’t know then but we will soon find out.

I vividly remember an incident that was too strange to forget. We were window shopping in a mall when I saw a denim dress I loved, in my excitement I asked for the dress promising to repay her the amount on Friday. She was annoyed as though my asking was an inconvenience. Even if it was I wondered why not decline after all we always spoke our truth no matter how uncomfortable.

Our ride home was quiet, a hostile silence that attacked my sanity making me replay every minute in hopes of finding where I went wrong so I can apologize.

I found nothing.

I couldn’t hate her so I hated myself. To hold on to my sanity I blamed her behavior on exhaustion she must have been tired and hungry. Exhaustion and hunger have a way of bringing out the worst in us.

A moment of Clarity

They say time heals all but I say time provides answers if you ask nicely. We had an opportunity to relive the past and answer unanswered questions call it Deja Vu if you will.

Life threw me an unexpected curve ball like old times I sought out my best friend. To which she lectured me on how I shouldn’t always rely on her, that I should save money for my emergencies. At that moment I realized she redefined the parameters of our friendship a while ago. It explained her reaction at the mall and the silent treatment on our way home back then.

My pain wasn’t caused by her not coming through for me, or her snapping at me at my lowest point. It was that somewhere along the line we lost what held us together, friendship. The very foundation that sustained us for 6 years was crumbling and there was nothing I could do.

Maybe somewhere along the line, I failed as a friend, maybe in holding on to our friendship, she bent far back that she snapped. I don’t know, hopefully, one day I will.

So when is it time to let go of a friendship?

·When helping or looking out for each other feels more like an obligation than a kind gesture. Normally we are more than willing to help our friends because it’s an opportunity to strengthen our bond. But in cases when we force ourselves to help we end up resenting the other.

·When you find yourself making up excuses for the other person “maybe they are busy”, “maybe they are stressed and didn’t mean what they said” one of the components that make up a healthy relationship is authenticity. Leaving the other person to fill in the blank is not only overwhelming but very inconsiderate.

· When you are the only one making an effort to keep the friendship going, whether it’s through phone calls, text messages or even visiting. Any one-sided relationship is unhealthy it lowers a person’s self-esteem.

· When conversations and activities that were once easy-going and fun seem like a chore. Life is about self-discovery its normal for people to change. When we have nothing in common it’s healthier to gravitate towards more compatible people.

· You haven’t seen each other or kept in touch in ages. Our busy lifestyles make it hard to reach out to with time it all feels like excuses. And if no effort is made to keep the friendship it suffers a natural death. Friendship like any commitment requires attention it can’t be put on the shelf and pulled out when convenient.

Do take heart not all friendships are meant to end, with hard work and effort we can sustain lifelong friendships. Aristotle highlighted this when distinguishing accidental and intentional friendship. Accidental friendships are based on usefulness or enjoyment. It’s based solely on convenience and ends once the benefit stops. While Intentional friendships are forged on a deep understanding of one’s character and happen when we accommodate each other’s weaknesses. Knowing these differences will help categorize our friends so we can navigate friendship better.

If you are still struggling you may read How to let go of the apology you never received