Equality
How A Viral TikTok “Wrestling Video” Made My Friend Lose Her Chechen Family
Chechnya is no place for free-spirited women.
My friend is full of contradictions. People who don’t know her would think of her as a very confident, strong, independent woman — an artist. She kick-started her own theatre, she does photoshoots, she has over 10K followers on Instagram, she travels all around the world and teaches drama classes.
She is a caged bird though.
The friend I know is stuck living with her family under one roof and providing for them. She is 32 years old and lives with her mother, 2 stepbrothers (one has a child and a wife — they live under her roof ),2 step-sisters, and 3 cats. There are 8 people living in a 2-bedroom house.
Apart from providing for them, she needs to obey the rules set by her younger brothers.
My friend is of Chechen origin. Her mother, a Russian was married to a Belorussian and they had a child — my friend. Later they divorced and her mother remarried to a Chechen and so the other kids were born along with rules. Her stepfather was later killed.
My friend must dress modestly. In front of her step-brothers, my friend can’t wear clothes which show much skin. Whenever she goes out and dressed more “freely” they shame her. Often they tell her that she is embarrassing her family. There were times where she had to keep certain clothes at mine just to avoid arguments at home.
My friend can’t date. All of her relationships were secret. My friend had many short terms and long-term partners. None of her brothers knew. They would be capable of hurting the men she dated just because they were not approved by them. Her brothers are in the early twenties — but they have the final say in regards to who she can date.
Ideally, she can’t date anyone — she should marry first and then have a relationship.
My friend can’t date non-Chechen men. My friend’s brothers don't approve of men who are not Chechens. My friend was married to a Russian — secretly. She lived with him in Amsterdam for a year. Her brothers never knew. The only two people that were at the wedding were me and her mother.
Now she is divorced. Her ex-husband was a narcissist and she came back to her family because “the work contract” in the Netherlands ended.
My friend can’t hang out with “weirdos”. My friend is a cinematographer, writer, actress. Her brothers don’t approve of her friends. We are all “weirdos” and we are all up to no good. Perhaps a few years back they were right.
But not all of us are bad because we are artists. We are labeled for being creative and enjoying queer shows. Certain friends are banned from visiting her at her home.
I am allowed, for now.
My friend can’t say “no”. My friend is the only person in their household who has a full-time job in the “weird” industry. She brings in money every single month. Her family lives on a property that was left by her stepfather in Moscow.
The “renting” pays off their bills. Their brother demanded she takes a loan for them — to provide for his own families. See, her 25-years-old brother has a baby and a wife. He doesn’t provide for her, his Russian half-sister does. If she says no, he has a right to tell her to leave the house.
My friend can’t choose her own religion. My friend is Russian Orthodox. Her brothers and sisters are Muslim. They tell her she is sinful and won’t get to Heaven…
My friend can’t have support from her own mother. My friend’s mother is a prisoner herself. She cooks, cleans, and manages the household in the family. Perhaps if she says “no” she might be evicted too.
Her mother never stands up for her daughter in front of her step-siblings. She gives her comfort when no one is looking.
The problem is her brothers are not taking eyes off her.
My friend went through a lot. Her ex-husband was very abusive towards her — and she could not confide in her own family. They would shame her and blame her. She lost jobs — that too was her mistake apparently.
She is unable to find the husband, that too is on her. She has mental health issues — those are her fault as well. Whatever misfortune she faces, she must face it alone. Because she deserved it.
My friend lives a double life. Twice per week, she also attends wrestling matches and she loves it. A month ago she rang me in a panic asking for help.
Someone has posted a video of her wrestling with another girl on TikTok and it went viral.
She feared her brothers will see it. Together we contacted TikTok asking the video to be pulled down, but we received no answer. Days went by and my friend was hopeless.
My friend asked around people to help her pull it down, she tried to get in touch with the man who filmed it. He had no right to share it — the man ignored her pleas.
She wished to go to the police and report it. I can only imagine the look on the police officers' faces when two girls approach them and ask them to hunt down a person who put up a video. There was no nudity, no excessive violence. It was just a short wrestling video.
What’s the big deal?
In Chechnya, it is a big deal. And she lives under a Chechen roof. She loves her brother but despises the rules.
The problem is that her brother's love is conditioned by the rules.
Two weeks ago my friend moved into my place. Someone has spoken to her brothers about the video: her brothers were very angry with her. They demanded she stops wrestling and prays to Allah to redeem herself.
My friend said “no”.
Weeks went by and her brothers somehow came around. They never apologized for their actions, for the years of torture but they did ask for her to come “home”. They also asked for financial help.
My friend went back to her family for a short period — she needed to gather her things to move into a new place. She realized that she will never end up in Heaven anyway, so she stopped praying.
After all, she was living too long in Hell so it can’t be much worse out there without her brothers…
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