Summary

On December 21st, 2021, Hogan Torah was repeatedly catapulted into a bowl of custard as a charitable event, raising over $4.6 million for the California Itchy Ass Foundation.

Abstract

Hogan Torah, known for causing chaos in Bloomingdale’s, faced an unconventional punishment involving multiple launches into a large custard bowl via catapult, all in the name of charity. The event, organized by the police for entertainment and fundraising, drew a massive crowd and successfully raised $4,658,457 for the California Itchy Ass Foundation. Olivia Garcia, the foundation’s president, expressed gratitude and discussed the potential of making the custard catapulting an annual event. Shirley Bangflaps, a spectator, shared her enjoyment and reflected on the absence of her late husband. David Bicycle, whose company built the catapult, also commented on the success of the event and its personal significance due to the loss of his mother, who died from an itch-related fall. The article concludes with an interview with Hogan himself, who vowed to never eat custard again.

Opinions

Olivia Garcia, president of the California Itchy Ass Foundation, was honored and appreciative of Hogan Torah's contribution to their cause, noting the seriousness of itchy asses and the foundation's plans to use the funds effectively.
Shirley Bangflats found the event highly enjoyable and felt it would have been a favorite of her late husband, Dennis, who died in an unfortunate accident involving a horse and an electric fence.
David Bicycle, proud of his company's role in creating the catapult, was pleased with the event's success and the funds raised for charity, which has a special meaning for him after losing his mother due to an intense itching episode.
Hogan Torah, despite the humiliation, recognized the charitable aspect of the event but expressed his strong aversion to custard post-catapult.

You Won’t Believe This!

Hogan Torah Flung From a Catapult Into a Huge Bowl of Custard

Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured, just humiliated, and it was all for charity

Hubertus45, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

On Tuesday, December 21st, 2021, Hogan Torah was repeatedly catapulted into custard. This was his punishment for the chaos he caused in Bloomingdale’s on December 11th.

Hogan Torah Chased Through the Underwear Section of a Large Department Store

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The police decided the custard catapult would be better than a normal punishment. More entertaining too.

And if this event could raise money for charity, that would be awesome. And if it raised a LOT of money, that would be even awesomer.

In the end, hundreds of thousands of people turned out to watch Hogan get flung through the air. By the end of the day, a total of $4,658,457 had been raised for the California Itchy Ass Foundation.

Olivia Garcia, the foundation’s president, gave the following statement:

“I’ve been a fan of Hogan Torah for longer than I can remember, and possibly even longer than that. We are honoured and grateful that he has managed to raise so much money. Itchy asses are no joke. We will put this money to good use helping the millions of Californians who can’t stop scratching.

“With any luck, we can turn this into an annual event. But preferably in the summer. December is a bit too cold to be stood around watching someone get flung through the air over and over again. If I stand in the cold for too long, my nipples get hard and poke through my clothes, which is embarrassing.

“I suppose I could wear more layers to hide them. I’m just worried that if I am wearing too many layers I won’t be able to bend my arms properly. How am I going to scratch my ass if I can’t bend my arms?”

Image by Morticius Timbles from Pixabay. Edited using Canva.

We also spoke to Shirley Bangflaps, who was there to watch the first and last catapultings. And also the ones in between. Here’s what she said:

“Today has been so much fun! I will remember it for the rest of my life, although that’s not going to be very long now. Anyway, it was such a joy to watch.

“I wish my Dennis had been here to see it. Sadly, he died last year when a demented horse chased him and caused him to fall face-first into some mud. The mud got in his eyes so he couldn’t see where he was going, then he accidentally stumbled into an electric fence. The electric shock caused him to fall backwards and break his ass. I didn’t realise it was possible to die of a broken ass, but it is, if you break it badly enough.

“Anyway, yes, today has been an awesome day and he would have loved it. It would have been exactly his kind of thing because he was crazy like that, and so am I, but perhaps not quite as much.”

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay. Edited with Canva.

We also spoke to David Bicycle, the great-grandson of Desmond Bicycle, inventor of the bicycle. He had this to say:

“My company, David Bicycle Catapults Inc., actually created this catapult. It’s a C147-B. It replaced the previous model, the C146. There was a C147-A, but that was a disaster. It fell apart on the first use.

“But to be fair, it was designed and built during the Month of Madness. This was when I decided to see what would happen if I made all my staff consume hallcinogenic drugs. It was a total failure. I mean, it didn’t even look like a catapult. It looked more like a helicopter crossed with giant violin. It didn’t make any sense at all.

“But anyway, today has been great! We’d been waiting for an opportunity to put it to use ever since we finished it. Everybody has had fun and loads of money has been raised for a charity that’s particularly close to my heart.

“My mother died as a result of scratching her ass. She had such an intense itch that she lost her balance and fell down the stairs. She was okay at first because she’d put a cushion at the bottom of the stairs in case something like this ever happened. The only problem was, the sliding motion on the stairs pulled her knickers down.

“I was so shocked, I fainted. But I happened to be holding a kitchen knife because I was in the middle of making cheese sandwiches for her lunch when I came to see what all the noise was. As I fainted, I accidentally stabbed myself.

“I was taken to hospital, and my mother came along in the ambulance. Unfortunately, the door hadn’t been shut properly and she fell out. My friends keep telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, and I agree with them.”

Image by Vlad Bitte from Pixabay. Edited with Canva.

We also interviewed Hogan afterwards, and here’s what he said:

“I’m never eating custard ever again. Custard can fuck off!”

You Won’t Believe This!

Hogan Torah Flung From a Catapult Into a Huge Bowl of Custard

Don’t worry, he wasn’t injured, just humiliated, and it was all for charity

Hogan Torah Chased Through the Underwear Section of a Large Department Store

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