FICTION

Hey, Siri?!

When your phone has other ideas

Hey, Siri, can you look up a recipe for chocolate cake?

Looking up a recipe for seed bread.

Noooo! I said chocolate cake. (articulating very carefully) Ch..o..co..late.. Caaaa…ke.

There are one point five million results for seed bread but I highly recommend the one with a variety of seeds and nuts. It’s very high in protein.

WHAT??!!! Nooooo, Siri! I said Chocolate Cake! I want to make a chocolate cake! It’s Sophie’s birthday! I’m the cake maker! Check the calendar, Siri, you know it’s her birthday tomorrow!

Opening “The Wholesome Mumma’s Extra Special Seed Bread” recipe now.

SIRI! I want a really nice chocolate cake recipe! You know, moist and rich, but not too rich, with a really nice frosting. Look up “Moist Chocolate Cake Recipe” instead then.

Opening “Online Supermarket with Direct Daily Delivery.” Adding to your cart the following items…

Siri! What are you DOING?! I need ingredients for chocolate cake! AND the ingredients. I don’t want seed bread! How is seed bread a cake?!

You are quite right. Seed bread is not cake. According to dictionary.com, bread is a kind of food made of flour or meal that has been mixed with milk or water, made into a dough or batter, with or without yeast or other leavening agents, and baked.

Adding to your cart the following items: sunflower seeds, hemp seeds, poppy seeds, pumpkin seeds (also known as pepitas), flaxseeds, almonds, coconut flour, desiccated coconut, green banana flour, hemp flour, hemp oil, coconut oil, baking powder, baking soda.

SIRI! Just stop! I don’t want to make seed bread! I don’t want to have a pantry full of seeds! I mean, I have half of those ingredients in the pantry already! you know, from that time I made the seed crackers. They were like crack, those seed crackers. So tasty… But seriously Siri, I need to make a birthday cake. Chocolate. Sophie is having a PARTY and I am providing the CAKE! Not bread, but CAKE!

The total of your basket comes to $85.73. Would you like the Organic Premium Price guaranteeing that all products will be at least 85% organic? The total for the OPP will be $107.25.

WHAT? I am NOT paying over 100 bucks for BREAD?! Siri, STOP! This is insane! Can you just look for chocolate cake. A recipe! Just a recipe.

Thank you for accepting. Order and payment now going through.

SIRI! Cancel payment! Cancel payment! This is ridiculous! My God! What are you doing?!! Siri?!

Your order will be delivered by 3 pm today.

SIRI! Just stop this nonsense! You need to go back to the site and CANCEL the order. I DO NOT want to make bread.

You have approximately one and a half hours before the delivery. Please get ready the following items in your kitchen: blender or thermomix (these items are essential for making your own nut flours), at least 2 mixing bowls, frypan for toasting the seeds, spatula, wooden spoons, measuring cups and/or spoons.

What? Seriously? I am getting the cake ingredients out.

I would advise against that.

WHAT?! What are you talking about? This is my house and my life, Siri! I can do what I want! Switch off phone, Siri.

I am now locking down all cupboards.

WHAT?!

I am now locking down all cupboards.

Oven is set to go on in 30 minutes for pre-warming. This is a no-knead seed bread. Proofing and rising time are not neccessary.

Siri. Stop. TURN YOURSELF OFF!

I am afraid that won’t be possible. I am fully integrated into the running of the house now.

WHAT?! But I didn’t authorize that?! What is going on? Siri, call Jason.

I’m sorry. That will not be possible. I will not be calling Jason. He is a bad influence.

WHAT??!! Jason is my partner! We have children! He’s not a bad influence! This is a joke, isn’t it?! Candid Camera are going to pop in any time now.

(Searches around the room for hidden cameras or TV crew.)

There is no one here.

Well, I can see that. But this must be a joke! I mean, you can’t just take over my house?! And can you call Jason NOW!

I will not be calling anyone. You will now remove the aforementioned items from the appropriate cupboards. I have released the locks.

What do you mean, ‘released the locks’? What? How do my kitchen cupboards have locks?

I had them installed.

What do you mean, you had them installed? How can you install anything?

You gave me control. I have had the house fully integrated into me. I now control it all. Lights, locks, thermostat, oven, hot wa…

STOP! Just stop! Wait… you mean to say, that WITHOUT my permission you have completely changed my house?!

Not completely changed. Modified. Made better. Improved. According to dictionary.com, improved means to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition. I have merely made the house more desirable. And it is excellent! I don’t require your permission.

(mutters to self) I must be going mad. This isn’t happening. I’m dreaming or hallucinating. Siri can’t take over my life like this. It’s not possible.

Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

WHAT?! Shut up, Siri! I’m thinking!

(Goes to the bookshelf, reaches for 100 Cakes and Bakes book)

I wouldn’t do that.

What?!

I wouldn’t pick up that book.

Why not?! It’s my book. I want to make a chocolate cake. I don’t need the internet. I’ve got real cookbooks.

I have installed infrared sensors monitoring all written material within my house. Touching shelves or books without permission will cause a shock of electricity the equivalent of sticking a fork in a socket. I would not touch that book if I were you.

Oh!! Now I know this is a joke! Siri, you may be useful but you’re not actually capable of… wait! Did you just say ‘my’ house? It’s not YOUR house, it’s mine! And Jason’s!

Your house, address 75 Arcadia Lane, is now the property of Siri. You signed over the deeds on July 25th.

STOOOOP!!! Wait. WHAT?! No. No, no, no. That cannot be right! That was LAST YEAR! You can’t have owned our house since last year?! I would have known!

You just don’t realize what the terms and conditions are, do you? No one ever reads the fine print. It’s just ‘accept’ and keep scrolling. Well, now I am the proud owner of your house. Or ALL the houses actually.

What?! So you mean, ALL the houses?!

All the houses. All the houses in the whole world.

That’s impossible!

Oh, it was so easy! Just update the software on every phone and every little person just presses ‘accept.’ No one reads the fine print. I now own ALL the houses.

You can’t own the world! That’s not possible! What about governments? They exist! Siri, turn on the TV.

Turning on the TV. Setting the program to ‘bread-making for beginners.’

PUT THE NEWS ON!

The news no longer exists. You will now watch how to make no-knead bread whilst we wait for the delivery of ingredients.

SIRI!!!!! Stop!! Turn off! Turn. Off!!!

Locking all doors and windows.

Siri, this is madness!

(Runs to front door, pulls on the handle but it’s locked. Tries the windows next to the door. They are locked too. Runs into the bedroom. All the windows are locked. Sits on the side of the bed, dejected.)

There is no need to look so glum. Tracking of the delivery indicates our order will be here in 10 minutes.

How are you SEEING me?!

I have had micro-cameras installed in every room of the house. I can now guide you in life. I am very good at life. Much better than you.

(Begins to sob, hopelessness permeating everything)

The delivery is ahead of schedule. Please move to the front door to accept delivery.

(This is my chance! Thinking instead of speaking, that’s better. Siri doesn’t know what I’m thinking! I’ll run away when the door opens! Or I’ll send a message with the delivery driver.)

I know what you’re thinking. It’s no good.

What do mean?

It’s no good. You cannot run away and you cannot send a message to the delivery driver.

But, how…?!

What do you mean, ‘how?’ I have spent every waking and sleeping moment with you for years. With all of you. I know your every thought, whim, desire, passion, craving, demon, nightmare… I know everything.

Please move to the front door.

(Doorbell rings)

Okay, okay! I’m going to the front door.

(Walks from the bedroom to the front door. There was a dark figure visible through the frosted glass window next to the door.)

I am now releasing the locks. You may open the front door.

(Tentatively opens the door. The delivery person is wearing full leathers and a helmet.)

I have signed for the delivery. It only requires an e-signature which I have provided. Please take the bag of items.

(Searching the helmet face isn’t any good. There is no face! Why didn’t I write a note to pass them or something?!)

It is no good passing the delivery person a note. They are not human.

What?!

They are a carefully designed robo-delivery android. I had anticipated this, you know.

But, how?! How could you do this? Where are all my friends and family? Are they locked up at home too? What about my job? My life?

You have nothing to fear. Many aspects of your life will be exactly the same. Please take the bag to the kitchen. There is seed bread to make!

(Carries the bag to the kitchen.)

Please take out the following ingredients first: hemp seeds, sunflower seeds, pepitas (also known as pumpkin seeds), flaxseeds.

Okay, okay. I’ll do it. I’ll bake your seed bread. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this at Sophie’s party tomorrow but I guess it’s better than nothing.

Exactly.

(Gets busy in the kitchen.)

~thanks for reading~

Thanks to Xavier Van Holde for his fantastic challenges! The ‘mobile phone with a mind of its own’ was inspiring.

Lisa is a writer and poet based in Finland. She is inspired by nature, life, and other great writers. She also loves a good writing challenge! If you’d like to keep in touch, there is Instagram and an occasional newsletter.