When Loss Is Gain

Losing someone doesn’t mean they are gone forever

You can’t really get half-way through life without some kind of loss. It may be loss of a friendship, a job, a pet, or a person.

Some people seem to have a delay in experiencing the loss of a loved one, not feeling that pain and grief until they are well into their adulthood. For others, it comes earlier.

I was nine years old when my paternal grandfather died. He was a gentle and kind soul who loved his grandchildren. We felt that love, in the time he spent with us and the care he showed us.

He had kind eyes, warm gentle hands, and a slow smile that lit up his face.

He died of cancer. It developed in his stomach and was a long drawn out death, thankfully (and perhaps unusually) with little pain. We lived a 12-hour drive away and made the long trip many times before his death.

During our visits when he was ill, I remember the house always felt warm and cosy, even though it was a rather sprawling house with lots of big windows.

At the time I said to my mother that the walls glowed.

And they really did! With love, care and warmth. It was like an extension of him and his love for the world.

Many people came to visit him during his final months. People were amazed by the light in his eyes, love in his heart, and his reflections on life.

He called all of his grandchildren into his room, his death bed if you like, to talk to us individually. There was a little poster on the wall: If mummy says no, ask grandma. If all else fails, ask grandpa. So apt for such a lovely grandpa who seemed to never say no.

Standing next to his bed, lit by the sunshine through his big bedroom window, he looked so calm and peaceful. A light in his eyes.

He said to me, “Don’t be afraid to try new things. It is better to have tried something and fail than to not give it a go. Don’t let the fear of failure hold you back.”

Oh, how well he knew me!

At only nine years old I was tentative at trying new experiences. I often stood back, hesitant.

Don’t let the fear of failure hold you back.

My father, on the other hand, was totally gung-ho! Maybe that scared me a little? He tried every sport and outdoor pursuit he could. I liked books.

My grandpa saw this in me. He saw my hesitation. He saw my fear. He knew the essence of me.

He wanted me to know that it’s important to give things a go. That living a full life means trying new experiences, even if you are scared. And that failure is not a bad thing.

My grandpa died. The funeral was a huge affair and I remember the intense grief of everyone around me. Adults grieving openly, crying and sobbing. I was sad too, but what I most remember was that incredible sadness of the collective mourners, like a damp-grey cloud.

What he said to me before his death has stayed with me my whole life.

It didn’t change me straight away. I was nine after all. But it has had a profound impact on how I have lived my life since that point.

I have gained experiences I could never have imagined!

I have:

• kayaked down flooded creeks and ridden white water rapids
• rock climbed and abseiled large cliffs
• jumped off rope swings into a creek
• slept in a penguin cave
• been on a year-long exchange at 17
• lived in different countries
• learned to speak two languages
• given speeches in front of hundreds of people
• had two children
• changed careers
• sung in a rock band and had my first gig at 44

This is not the whole list of my life’s experiences but all of these things, and indeed my whole life, has been influenced by the loss of my grandfather and the advice he gave me at the age of nine before he died.

So perhaps he hasn’t really gone?

His words live on in me. I have carried them with me since I was nine and they will live on inside me into the future.

~thanks for reading~

And thank you to Kathy Jacobs for the challenge, “What have you lost?” (I will perhaps, sometime, write about my 20kg weight loss, too — a different form of loss)

Lisa is based in Finland, writing in her spare time. She loves to read, sing with her band, travel and create. If you’d like to keep in touch: Newsletter, Instagram.