Here’s Why It’s a Good Sign if Your Relationships Are Much Harder Sober
and how to manage it like a pro
I thought that getting sober would make my relationships easier. That was definitely part of the life is gonna be a bed of roses story I was sold, everything’s gonna be so f**king easy. However, there have been many times when I’ve been caught up in fallouts with significant others.
And I’ve been left thinking: seriously, what the fuck?
No one wants to be spending time and energy arguing, but here’s why I think it’s actually a sign that you're doing good.
You have changed.
I’ve actually had people say this to me like it’s a bad thing. What they mean is, you are no longer doing what I want you to do and I have realized that I liked you as a puppet not you as you.
If drinking was previously a shared activity, now you have to find other activities to do together. Also, many heavy drinkers just cannot cope with a fellow boozer who has gone sober. By admitting you have a problem, you inadvertently shine a spotlight on their drinking habits, confronting them with a reality that they might not yet be willing to face.
This is the relationship litmus test for the people in your life who are solid drinkers. You will quickly learn if this relationship is based on an actual commitment to each other or just a shared activity.
Relationships vanish when you drop the booze. Losing friends never feels good but in reality, you are weeding out people from your life who weren’t really your friends.
It’s not just the not-drinking that’s changed, without alcohol as a motivational factor, you are way less likely to be pulled, or convinced into activities.
Before I was a people pleaser. My answer to everything was yes. Jam-packed weekends? Yes. Party until 5 in the morning? Hell yes. Champagne Brunch the next day though still right? F**k yes. And when I burnt out there was always SSRIs, Adderall, and Klonopin to get me through. I would do anything so that I could keep saying yes.
If this was you and in sobriety, you have started to say no to things, then congratulations! It might take some people a while to adjust to the new you. Or they might never be able to accept that you have learned this new one-syllable word.
And if that happens, it’s ok. It’s not your problem. You are entitled to say no. You will find that some people were only friends with you because you were malleable. This might hurt a little, but shedding people who don’t like you for you is an important part of recovery.
You see them differently.
Perhaps in the cold hard light of sobriety, you see loved ones drinking and the associated behavior as unattractive. I know I’ve listened to friends describing their weekend and thought, wow, I can't believe I ever used to think that was fun.
When I was the party animal crawling home in daylight and puking in my neighbors garden, I remember my friend’s horrified face. The eyes do not lie and it’s hard to hide how you really feel about your crazy partying friends. I know that I have been on both sides of this.
It’s not nice to be on the receiving end but if you’re now the one doling out the horrified looks when your friend recounts their Saturday night, it’s good news for your sobriety but potentially bad news for the relationship.
As I’ve said previously I think it’s entirely possible to still maintain friendships with party animals. I do, but I have a limit. I definitely have way less tolerance for people standing me up on a Sunday because they had a big one a Saturday.
Of course, sitting in judgment of friends behaving as you did is hypocritical. But in recovery, I think this is ok. As long as it doesn’t get out of hand and you start delivering lectures to your hungover friend about sobriety. I think saying, hey I didn’t like it when you were 2 hours late for lunch on Sunday is acceptable. So what if you used to do it? It’s not about that.
Why is showing potentially hypocritical judgment of loved ones a good thing? Well, feeling mildly disgusted or annoyed with your friends' drinking is a much better sign than jealousy. It shows you have moved on. This is to be celebrated.
However, if you are getting increasingly irritated by someones partying, it’s worth journaling to explore why. Work out of this is a relationship you still need. You know you can’t change someone, but you can change yourself. If their behavior is irritating you then being around them is not good for your mental health or theirs.
You’re better at asserting boundaries.
In active addiction, I didn’t have a voice. I got myself into all kinds of shitty self-destructive relationships and situations because I had no boundaries.
A large part of my journey into recovery has been learning, establishing, and reinforcing boundaries. Without boundaries to protect me, I would be vulnerable and it would be much harder to stay sober.
Boundaries didn’t appear overnight. I had to work at them. Finding my voice and using it even when I knew people were not going to like it, was terrifying at first. I was conditioned to not rock the boat or make a fuss.
I had to build up the courage to say when I didn’t like something or I wasn’t comfortable.
Now I am much more able to stand up for myself. I am no longer a walkover. It’s like every time I say, I don’t like it when you say that, my boundaries are fortified.
Of course, this has caused friction in relationships. Some people don’t like it when you assert yourself. Enforcing boundaries has been the cause of most of my disagreements in sobriety.
If this is ringing any bells, then congratulations again. If people are telling you that you have become disagreeable then pat yourself on the back. You don’t have to go with the flow or accept things just because others do or because you did before.
You have a voice. if you’re using it and people don’t like it then why is that your problem? You can make a stand and putting yourself first is not selfish. It means you're in recovery.
Is a lack of boundaries something that all problem drinkers and addicts have? I would say the majority. When your sole focus in life is to forget who you are by abusing substances, you lose track of everything else. Values and goals are ignored because the goal that takes all precedent is obtaining and using your drug of choice at all costs.
Of course, the cost to your true self and your values gets higher the further you fall. Some of us got further down the road of abandoning who we were before finding the path to recovery. The further you were down the rabbit hole, the longer the journey back. But longer isn’t worse. It’s how you pick yourself up that matters.
Try to reframe relationship issues in sobriety as a positive. They are an important part of your journey. Whether it’s shedding friends with who you don’t have the same connection anymore or learning that it’s ok to assert yourself, each challenge teaches you something about yourself. You might not realize it at the time so reflection is vital. Each relationship drama is one of your unique sobriety scout badges to collect and treasure.
Managing these problems is a sign of strength. There is no such thing as perfection in sobriety. We all make mistakes, we all learn and grow, it’s how you manage your reaction that matters.
Doran Lamb is a freelance writer on addiction and mental health. She writes to challenge the stigma that exists as a result of mental health and through her writing wants the world to know that individual difference makes the world dynamic, sexy and beautiful. She is proudly an addict in recovery, a mother, and an opinionated woman, who has learned not to give a f**k what anyone thinks.
If you liked this, here are some other articles I have written about addiction and drinking culture:
Clean Drinking: Why Alcohol Advertising Directed at Millennials Is More Dangerous Than Ever
7 Reasons Why a Sobriety Pet Will Be the Best Decision You Make
Ditching These Top 5 Sobriety Tips Has Been Essential For My Recovery
