Here I Am. Still Struggling With the Expectations of Others.
About my journey to free myself
“Okay, what about your writing thing? Are you currently looking for a steadier job?”
These were the two questions my father-in-law had asked me when my girlfriend went to the loo while we were brunching with my parents-in-law. I replied:
“No, the last few months have been good and I expect it to stay like that.”
He just said:
“Hm. Okay.”
That’s when I fell back into a destructive pattern.
Wrestling with the expectations of others
I’ve been struggling with the expectations of others almost my entire life.
No, I can’t recall any crazy childhood trauma, and I know my parents always wanted the best for all of us. Yet, this whole expectation thing haunts me.
Why?
My first guess would be the attitude of my parents. Coming from the communist side of Germany after WWII, they were cautious about expressing their genuine opinion. The simple reason?
They could go to prison the same day.
StaSi (the central intelligence service there) had its agents everywhere, and they were very sensitive when you said something negative about the state.
Hence, my parents weren’t bootlickers but cautious about the choice of their words. I think this caught on to us children, too.
Although, over time, I had learned to wear the heart on my tongue, I still feel how the expectations of others can influence me.
And that’s not a good thing.
Trying to live up to the expectations of others
I never was really hard-working.
I wasn’t lazy and got gifted everything, either. But while others sat down another 2 hours to get a better grade, I called it a day and was fine with a B+.
Yet, I got elected as class representative against my will. My teacher just thought I’d be the right person. Expectations.
Yet, the older sister of my first girlfriend told me:
“You’re damn smart. You’ll become successful, I know it.”
Back then, I was 15. And I still think about it.
I never chose this path.
In fact, I’m modest and like to understate things.
For most of my life, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
And that’s the exact problem.
When other’s expectations keep you down
Back to the conversation from the beginning.
It stuck with me hearing that my father-in-law was at least a skeptic. I’ve been thinking about it.
It’s safe to say that I’m still struggling with the expectations of others. Although I’ve worked for four years as a full-time writer.
And although I’ve earned more than $200.000 along the way.
It would be a straight-out lie saying there aren’t days on which I doubt all that is a) the right thing and b) sustainable.
But it doesn’t matter.
Why?
Because meeting the expectations of others is a losing game. Not only when it comes to work but also in life in general.
Don’t try to steer a sinking ship.
The solution
When following other’s expectations is wrong, what is right?
Sure, follow your own. But what is that supposed to mean?
It means getting rid of the weight on your chest.
Embrace being a child again.
Yes, it’s true: as adults, we have many obligations that aren’t fun (think taxes). But after using this as an excuse for a long time, I’ve realized it’s more about the mindset than the number of obligations.
Not in your purse and not on your empty to-do list.
You and I can choose what steps we take every day.
It can be the ones for others.
Or it can be ours.
Choose wisely, and then focus on taking the next step.
Without looking left or right.
