Helping Kids Find Their “Why” During the Covid Pandemic
Ways to cope with child and teen depression and suicidal ideation
My 19-year-old daughter’s question stunned me, but I struggled not to show it.
Navigating only online college classes during a pandemic was far from the dream of “the college experience” she had longed for since graduating from high school. That was in 2019. Looking back wistfully, she realizes how lucky she was to have had the chance to walk across the stage in a cap and gown.
Just a year later, her friends in the class of 2020 weren’t so lucky.
Living in a dorm on a college campus, experiencing “freedom” away from her parents’ watchful eyes for the first time, was her #1 wish.
Covid-19 dashed her dreams literally overnight.
Now, after close to a full year of Zoom, she has more than a few regrets. The biggest one, of course, is that she took a gap year and didn’t start college right away. When it could have been “normal.”
Now, she’s feeling overwhelmed. Emotionally and psychologically exhausted. But recently her grief over the loss of this once-in-a-lifetime moment of being a college kid has entered a darker phase.
“What’s the point, anymore, Ma? With more Covid variants all the time, gun violence out of control, rampant racism, and climate change, why even live? Name even one thing I have to look forward to.”
As a mom who loves her daughter and wants the best for her, I could not let this question stay rhetorical. If you’re a parent or teacher, I’m sure you feel the same.
In this article, I’ll describe what I said in response to my daughter as part 1 of an ongoing discussion and the follow-up. You’ll find some ideas on what you can say when young people in your life stare traumatized into the face of so much uncertainty, violence, injustice, and foreboding gloom.
How I initially responded to my daughter’s cry for answers
It’s like these that I stretch way back into my past for help.
As a lifelong philosopher with a degree to prove it, responses from some of the greatest thinkers of all time on the meaning of life immediately flooded my head.
Thinking back to our homeschooling years, the title of a book we had read together, Viktor E. Frankl’s Man Search for Meaning, came readily to mind. Based on her despondency and frustration expressed in her questions, I’m sure she could relate.
In that book, Frankl quotes Friedrich Nietzsche who famously said:
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
That’s it! Look for the “why.”
So, I launched into a discussion about the meaning of life by first jogging Amira’s memory of the book. Then I asked her if she had remembered Nietzsche’s quote.
She didn’t recall, so I started it for her. Then I fell silent, looking expectantly at her reaction.
“What’s my ‘why’?” she whispered.
And so began her “official” pursuit of this question that’s still very much in the process as I write. And if she’s even a tad bit like her mom, her quest will be never-ending.
Using COVID as a springboard to discover personal meaning
No one would question the unprecedented rhythm of the last 12 months.
It’s easy to get caught up in the vicious cycle of despair-gloom-depression that Covid-19 has birthed, but not as easy to see its silver lining. I say this with no facetiousness or sarcasm.
It’s true we’re not out of the woods yet.
While mass vaccinations against the virus are underway across the country at a feverish pace, it will be some time before “normal” returns — if ever.
So, a more appropriate response to the uncertainty about the future is to discover how to live well in the pandemic right now, with an eye on its transformative power to remake who you are into a meaning-driven person.
Starting the “why” talk with my daughter
My daughter and I started with her college major.
Until a few weeks ago, she hadn’t a clue about what she wanted to do with her life. In the past, she’d cornered me a few times, hoping I’d direct her choice — or tell her what to do.
Never would I do that.
Instead, I asked — and keep asking — a lot of questions about her interests and (what she perceives as) her intellectual and emotional strengths and weaknesses. I’d make observations about her activities over the years — both those she enjoyed and those she didn’t. I constantly challenged her to find themes or stages in the evolution of her personal growth and interests.
My ulterior motive was to lead her to conclude for herself whatever her passion or sustaining interest was — or could be. Maybe just identifying a couple of good contenders would be enough for now.
These discussions are ongoing. They happen in bits and pieces.
Something in the news, a course assignment, or a recollection from her childhood are ways we segue into a deeper exploration of what meaning she wants to strive for or have — or be — in her future. Both short- and long-term.
Being faced with the prospect of living in a society full of division, inequality, and violence, Amira looks toward — right now, anyway — psychology as a way to figure out what drives people to say what they say and do what they do. Hoping to be involved in the healing — of all types — of people and of her world, she now looks forward to becoming a therapist, counselor, or social worker.
Through helping others, she will come to know better who she is, and who she is becoming.
TIP: I’d encourage all parents and teachers with struggling young people in their lives to initiate the same types of ongoing conversations. Make the emotions and thought processes audible in a spirit of love. Listen and ask probing questions more than give advice or draw conclusions. At least, make yourself available to them.
In other words, use the Socratic method continually with young people. Prompt them to discover for themselves who they are, who they’re becoming, and what gives their life meaning.
5 strategies to assist young people to find their “why”
In a society that emphasizes instant self-gratification, Covid-19 has us in a tailspin.
Always hoping things will change or constantly longing for a return to pre-pandemic life now seems like an unfulfilled fantasy. That’s painful.
For young people who feel urgently a fear of missing out, it’s tough to find something to say or do to help them change their mindset and live like a hopeful realist.
But without accomplishing this mental shift to a “new normal” that includes Covid, expect choppy, turbulent waters ahead.
To transition to a mental state where you can look for and find your “why,” try one or more of these strategies.
#1 Letter to your future self about the pandemic year
Right now, your child may not imagine that one day this pandemic moment will be long-forgotten history.
Many people may still wear masks, stay six feet apart, and avoid crowds, but the day will arrive when the worst of it is over. To immortalize this moment, ask your child to compose a letter about their life in the Covid-19 pandemic.
But not about the day-to-day stuff. Make it about the thoughts and feelings experienced during the year. Your child may need to think long and hard about it. If it’s difficult now, just think how challenging it will be in a decade or two.
For a young child, putting the letter in a bottle like a time capsule will make the activity more dramatic. This would be a great language arts activity, too, for the Google classroom or your homeschool.
Here are some questions to serve as reflective prompts:
- Am I acknowledging and embracing my pain over losing huge parts of my life during quarantine?
- Do I allow myself time to grieve the losses I feel?
- Am I open to receiving healing from others during this time?
- Am I being honest with those around me about my feelings and thoughts?
- Do I allow myself time to appreciate small things in my life now and show gratitude for them?
#2 Journaling
To encourage self-reflection, gift your child with a special diary or notebook to use as a record of these pandemic times. Encourage decoration and artwork, too. Maybe a video-diary is more your child’s style.
Do you have a young musician or photographer? They could use their diary as a treasured place to collect their most prized recordings or photos. Suggest that their diary serve as a unique repository of their most private thoughts and feelings, insights, and reflections.
This strategy could easily be integrated in distance learning, too, using the prompts given above.
#3 Conversing with grandparents or people from older generations
To get different perspectives on this moment in history, invite senior citizens or grandparents/great grandparents to share memories of their lives that were similar. Maybe you know someone who lived through the influenza pandemic of 1918, the Great Depression, or WWII. If you don’t, there are YouTube videos and books that fit this category.
Stories of resilience and resourcefulness will provide lessons and tactics for getting through the Covid pandemic. Every pearl of wisdom is a gem! Your child may discover something that speaks directly to them.
As experts predict Covid — or future pandemics — will always be with us, the time to help young people learn to make the most of the moments we have and appreciate the little things is crucial for sound mental health today and always.
#4 Read and discuss stories/watch movies together of courageous young people
A great way to stop wallowing in self-pity or sink more deeply into depression is to step outside one’s own skin and situation.
Get lost in another person’s reality through a good book or film.
Focus on people who have overcome great odds, never gave up, and found lifelong meaning. They may have done stupendous things and touched the lives of millions. Or maybe they were the source of great joy for their immediate family only.
Here are a few examples, both historical and contemporary, that may appeal especially to young people:
There are many lessons here if we only look, listen, and learn. It’s all about eyes, ears, hearts, and minds wide open to receive.
Real-life stories of amazing teens who surmount life’s obstacles abound. Check them out!
#5 Practice mindfulness meditation
These are trying times full of great grief and profound loss for many who have lost loved ones to Covid-19. They and the rest of us are suffering loss of normalcy, a school year, job, or a host of other things.
To quiet the internal storms and stresses, focusing on gratefulness for whatever goodness there is in your life now — no matter how minor it may appear— will boost your spirits and calm the maelstrom inside. It’s all about being attentive to what’s good around you.
To succeed at mindfulness at any age — even kids — you don’t need to sit in the lotus position and hum. A refreshing walk or preparing a nourishing meal to share with loved ones may help you rise to a meditative state, calm you down, or boost your mood.
Wrap up on helping young people find their “why”
The best way to get beyond your “how” — no matter how depressing it is — is to discover your “why.” Covid-19 gives you the perfect opportunity to do so.
Is there a young person in your life struggling right now to get through the pandemic? Maybe they can’t seem to get a grip on the losses they’re experiencing day after day. Now into our second year of Covid, still far away from “normalcy,” the hurts seem all-encompassing and too deep to bear any longer.
Possibly for the first time in their lives, young people are seriously questioning whether life is worth living at all. They see no end in sight to a horrible future, including more global pandemics, racial injustice, gun violence, and our climate crisis.
As their parent or teacher, help them to figure out their “why.” What will make their life meaningful right now? For a younger child, it may be excelling at a sport, playing a musical instrument, or riding a bike. For tweens and teens, it could be ridding local parks or streams of plastic pollution, finding shelter animals good homes, or ending online racial bullying in their school.
High school seniors and college students may need extra support as they figure out next steps.
Join them in discovering their “why.” It just may change you, too.