Helping Kids Cope with Covid-19 Grief While Distance Learning

Tips for parents and teachers of young children and teens

If you’re not experiencing a mental health crisis, or suffering from depression or anxiety aggravated by the global pandemic, someone you know is.

It could be your usually happy-go-lucky child.

As friends, family, classmates, teachers and school staff succumb to Covid-19 one by one all over the United States, parents and teachers are left to help pick up the pieces for kids.

This restorative work is absolutely essential. In fact, without helping your kids take time to grieve and begin the healing process, their remote learning is severely jeopardized, if it happens at all.

The holidays make everything more difficult, too.

Sadly, it’s not just about dealing with grief and loss from death due to Covid-19 that your kids are struggling with.

All people — including the youngest children — are trying to handle and adjust to losses of normalcy, including loss of:

• In-person school
• Afterschool activities
• Parties and get-togethers
• Playdates
• Club and school sports
• Movies and theater shows
• Religious services and events
• Holiday celebrations

Here are some strategies for helping young children, tweens and teens deal with grief and loss. I’ve related these methods to things you can do and steps you can take while distance learning, since this has been their reality for many months and will be for the near future.

Fear, Anger and Guilt in the Remote Learning Classroom

As parents send and teachers encounter kids daily in the digital classroom, begin to look for signs that something is wrong.

Observe and listen. Then ask a question referring to that observation like “You seem quiet today,” or “I’ve noticed you seem frustrated. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Observational-based questions are preferable than open-ended ones like “How are you feeling?” to kids who may not have the vocabulary to express themselves or explain the complicated mix of emotions they’re feeling. Older kids may feel embarrassed to talk about their feelings.

Grief and Fear

“Nobody ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.”

— C.S. Lewis

In his profoundly insightful book titled A Grief Observed, Lewis recounts the range of thoughts and feelings he encountered upon the death of his cherished spouse. What most struck me was his juxtaposition of grief and fear.

I think this insight into grief is useful for teachers and parents searching for ways to help kids steer safely through feelings associated with grief and loss.

Grief and fear actually have a lot in common. Since fear is something that’s somewhat more “manageable” compared to profound grief, pointing out the similarities borne of Lewis’ analysis may help you navigate the murkier terrain of grief with kids.

For instance, a kindergartener who’s recently experienced their grandparent’s death to Covid-19 — without a chance to say good-bye — may feel afraid of losing their mom or dad next.

A high school senior who suddenly lost a dear friend to the pandemic may become so full of fear, wondering if their intense emotional pain of permanent loss will ever subside.

A middle schooler who just lost their beloved math teacher to the deadly coronavirus will be scared worrying about other teachers who may fall ill and die.

In all of these cases, and so many other similar scenarios, the feeling of being abandoned by a dear person could lead to more than just feeling terrified. Angry or guilty feeling may be present, too. Thoughts like Why did this happen? or Was it my fault? Or Could I have done something to prevent this? may flood a young person’s mind and heart with nagging remorse. A very young child feeling the mixed-up range of fear, anger and guilt may not be able to express their emotions in words.

Or possibly, they’re simply blindsided — stunned — into a state of total shock about the Covid death and haven’t a clue on how to get out.

As a parent or teacher, know that this is what you’re dealing with as Covid deaths soar and hit home more and more each day. Young people are also experiencing a deep sense of sadness over loss of their pre-Covid life and inability to regain it. This uncomfortable feeling pervades all activities intended to replace them, too.

It’s incredibly difficult to manage and heal from so many compounding losses at once. But cope we must.

Helping Young Children Deal with Covid Death and Loss

If someone in a child’s distance learning class encounters the loss of a loved one in their family, or if a teacher, aide, classmate or staff person dies, a virtual read aloud of a book dealing with solutions for healing from death’s effects is a good place to start.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network published an excellent title on this theme: Rosie Remembers Mommy: Forever in Her Heart. Here’s a video presentation of the book that you could show in your Google or Zoom classroom:

Important takeaways from Rosie Remembers Mommy: Forever in Her Heart and similar books

1. Listen and observe. Can’t stress the importance of this enough.
2. Always validate (that is, never dismiss) the child’s feelings. Reaffirm their emotions by repeating them back to the child. Strive for empathy.
3. Be honest: If the child speaks as if the deceased person will return soon, gently correct them.
4. Allow the child to hold or have a personal possession of the deceased, or, if appropriate, wear something of theirs (like a necklace) for a special occasion — during a distance learning memorial service, for example.
5. Have a Show-and-Tell during distance learning to talk about the cherished objects or pets of deceased loved ones.
6. Encourage discussion about special times related to the cherished possessions. If everyone remains quiet, relate a story from your own life or something you heard on the news to get started.
7. If you’re quarantining together, provides lots of reassuring hugs while you affirm the child’s feelings. If virtual, send “digital hugs” after explaining what those are. (See below for some ideas.) Give out rain checks for real hugs for the future when it’s safe to be together.
8. Create artwork — like a heart with photos in the center — featuring the deceased. Display them in your home and virtual classroom.
9. Other artistic expressions, like putting together and decorating a memory box or composing a poem about the person, will provide a much-needed emotional outlet.
10. Devote time to remember the deceased during digital classes. Tell children you are there to support and assist from a distance.
11. As a class or family project, make sympathy cards or meals to deliver to the grieving family.

Parent-Teacher Collaboration to Help Grieving Children and Teens

It’s more important than ever that parents and teachers communicate with each other about the mental health effects of the pandemic on children in your care. For instance:

1. Share news about Covid cases in your family, neighborhood and school.
2. If a child seems unusually withdrawn, sad, unable to concentrate, or angry, compare notes on how frequent and/or severe the situation is.
3. Based on your observations, counselors at school or through community social services may be called in to intervene.
4. If you’re not aware of the contact information for local resources (government and nonprofit) available to you, reach out to your school’s principal for more information.
5. Put out a request on social media for local groups or individuals who can help provide food, clothing, shelter, medical, mental health services, etc. to those in need.
6. Instill mindfulness practices in your child or class by devoting a few minutes before each class to reflection or instilling mental quiet. Focus on gratitude. Start by stating what you as a teacher or parent are grateful for. A directed meditation may be recommended for children unfamiliar with the practice.
7. Take time to develop a sense of belonging and making sure children know they matter…by playing together! This is a sure-fire way to chase the blues away. For virtual team-building activity ideas for kids, check out this article from We Are Teachers.
8. Remember always that you’re educating whole, real human beings — not just disembodied intellects. They have feelings that impact and sometimes adversely affect their ability to perform academic work.
9. Above all, teach and parent compassionately.

Helping Tweens and Teens Navigate Death due to Covid-19

On top of puberty turmoil and raging hormones that adolescents regularly experience, they now have distance learning and a global pandemic to deal with.

It ain’t easy.

What’s so frustrating, as my teenage daughter frequently laments, is that sometimes she “just needs some friendship hugs” to deal with the uncertainty and stress of this moment, but can’t get them because of quarantine. Arghhhh!

When she asks her quirky younger brothers for hugs out of desperation, I know she’s truly suffering!

Virtual hugs aren’t quite the same as real ones, but now they must be.

Here are some other ways to give “virtual hugs”:

• Send positive words of encouragement — maybe just to say “I’m thinking about you.”
• Email happy memes or gifs
• Text links to favorite tunes
• Post on social media memorable photos of happy times spent together
• Make a favorite dessert and deliver it
• Mail handwritten cards or letters by snail mail.

Unlike younger children who have a tough time hiding their anguish, teens predictably tend to keep their inner turmoil private. Scared of being perceived as weak, they are more likely to present a false face — or give you the impression that everything’s fine.

Don’t be fooled.

To ease a teen’s or tween’s pain of facing death of a loved one from Covid, here are some tips to lighten the emotional load:

1. Give them space, but make sure they know you’ll be a sympathetic ear whenever they want to talk.
2. Encourage discussion of death and grieving by incorporating books dealing with these themes into your classes or family book reading. At the least, have a few titles available, including:

• Grief is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter
• The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
• The Truth About Keeping Secrets by Savannah Brown
• Looking for Alaska by John Green
• The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman
• The Summer Book by Tove Jansson

3. Journaling is a superb way to “let your guard down” — something teens have a problem doing. It’s private, too. Any notebook will do.

4. As part of language arts class, assign writing prompts that will help young people tap into their deepest feelings about Covid-19. Here are a few suggestions:

• Life in a Pandemic
• A New Tradition for a Pandemic
• Personal Changes I’ve Made in the Pandemic
• Where I Hope to Be in Five Years Post-Pandemic
• What I’ve Learned about Myself Because of Covid-19
• What I’ve Grateful for in a Pandemic
• How I Will Honor My Deceased Love One [fill in name]
• What’s Important in Human Relationships? Lessons from Covid-19.

During class time or during family time, share the essays to discuss.

5. If your teen or tween isn’t into journaling, suggest doing a photo collage of the deceased as a memorial, or making an audio file or video.

6. Burn a CD of the favorite music from special occasions spent with the loved one who has passed.

7. Hold a “reflective moment” before class or meals to remember the loved one’s role in the teen’s life. Ask members of the class or family to organize these moments. Show appreciation for that impact and gratitude for the time spent together.

8. Post information, photos, an impact statement, etc. about the deceased loved one on Twitter @FacesofCovid. There are opportunities on that page to connect with journalists and tell your Covid-19 story.

9. Strive to create a “listening space” in your virtual classroom or at home. Foster it by opening the floor up to anyone with pressing thoughts or emotions and wait for folks to join in. If you don’t get any takers, start by remembering the Covid death of someone else you read about in the paper or online.

10. Bolster a shared sense of community among all class or family members by allowing a time for one-on-one chats or for group dialogue. When a grieving individual feels part of a larger whole, they have more reason to build up the group and not allow the passing of a loved one to dominate their existence or drive them into depression.

11. Ease up on the punishments or disciplinary actions meted out to young people struggling with a loved one’s death from Covid, loss of in-person school, canceled sports season, etc. This doesn’t mean total anarchy, but please remember you’re dealing with bruised and battered souls so tread lightly.

12. In cases where no relief is in sight despite your best efforts, refer the teen or tween to a trained mental health specialist. Be sure to follow up and show you care.

Takeaways on Helping Kids of All Ages Come to Grips with Death of a Loved One from Covid-19 or Accept Loss and Change in the Face of Adversity

Distance learning makes it difficult — but not impossible — to assist young children, tweens, and teens who are enmeshed in remorse, anger or guilt over a loved one’s sudden and unexpected death from Covid.

For all ages, letting them know beyond all doubt that you’re there to support them is crucial. Just being present and listening allays a lot of fears and anxieties. It removes the feeling of isolation and aloneness common when a loved one dies.

It is so vitally important for mental health — both short- and long-term — to allow the grieving process to happen. It takes time and everyone grieves in their own way. Be patient.

In a virtual classroom, it’s difficult to create the same loving atmosphere of support. Try to accomplish this by scheduling group-building activities regularly. Or just having a special time to talk about non-school topics provides a much-needed emotional outlet. Designating “quiet moments of reflection” by sharing inspirational readings, poems or music may help put anxieties to rest (for awhile at least).

I’ve listed above many other age-appropriate ways to help young children and adolescents grieve and deal better with Covid loss and death.

There’s no doubt that 2020 has been an incredibly tumultuous year in many ways. Next year will hold new challenges of its own. As a parent or teacher, be mindful of the many stresses and anxieties young people are experiencing — maybe for the first time.

Even if you incorporate only one or two of my strategies listed here into your daily routine at home or school, know that you’re helping to ease the toll that death of a loved one takes on a young person and supporting their acceptance of loss and transformation in life.