Parenting and Narcissism
Healing Tips For Parents, When Dealing With Narcissists in Court and During Separation
Forget about the future and live in the present.
(Disclaimer: Affiliate Links Toxic Abusive Relationships)
My friend has decided to enter the battlefield with a very dangerous opponent —a covert narcissist. He is fighting for shared custody. They were never married. He is a devoted and loving father of a 5-year-old son.
Battling narcissists in court is unimaginably hard.
They crave the drama, they fight dirty, they bring false allegations and they stop at nothing — they just have to win. For narcissists, it’s not about children — it’s about winning. My friend desires to be included in his son's life and have shared custody (50/50 ).
Isn’t that fair? Don’t children deserve to have time with both parents?
Well, when it comes to narcissists it’s only about their wishes and needs. They want to punish the other party for leaving them, use children as weapons, and strip them of their basic right to have both parents included in their life.
I am against going into court with a narcissist as it is not only devasting for children but for the other parent too — for the empath, my friend.
But he made his decision. He will fight to reclaim his place in his son’s life.
What I can advise him though is to take care of himself first. And if you too are entering a court battlefield with a narcissist, then this article would provide you with tips on how to keep your sanity in check and savor energy for what’s to come.
Below are some of the survival strategies that will help you cope during the separation process, court hearings, and beyond. They are also the first steps that you should take to begin your healing from narcissistic abuse.
“Think about what you are thinking!”
Your mind will be pulled back to thoughts about your narcissistic ex-partner, after all, you are trauma-bounded. You will have a lot of flashbacks that will include some good and bad times. Your emotional space will become cluttered.
It’s okay to have some of these thoughts, but beware — don’t go round and round the same situations, trying to solve the unsolvable, thinking “what if?”, these kinds of thought patterns can bring you down.
To cope and heal, you must reclaim your mental space for yourself. Let go of the thoughts of narcissists and in order to do so, you must become aware of the thoughts that you are having and whether they are helpful or not.
Healing Tip: Start counting how many times per day you actually think of your narcissistic ex-partner. Don’t get upset with yourself when you realize that you thought about them more than 50 times a day, it’s not your fault, it’s a habit that can be broken and changed.
You can reprogram your brain and let go of those thoughts in time.
It’s important to realize that it’s you who has the power to think about the narcissist and engage in those thoughts or you can let the thoughts go. You can’t stop the thoughts — they come and go, but noticing them and letting them pass without engaging with them is your path to healing.
“Life just for today!”
Fear of the future is the biggest fear that victims of narcissistic abuse have. After all, they have become so reliant, co-dependent, and controlled by them, they think:
- Will I be able to cope without them?
- Will I ever see my children again?
- Will I ever become free of the narcissist?
Thinking about the future during the separation process or court proceedings when children are involved will cause you only greater stress. You should focus on it now.
We love to focus on the negativity in life, it’s our survival tactic, of everything that can go wrong, the “Murphy’s law” etc. It’s harder to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts than the other way around.
Just think about it, a few years back on my birthday all my plans fell apart and I felt as if everything was ruined. But that’s a “negativity bias”. But there were so many other things that were great: I was in touch with my loved ones, I was healthy and I was alive. Why did I care so much that the original party that I so wished to organize fell apart — it’s irrelevant!
Healing Tip: Try practicing daily gratitude for everything that you have in your life. It can literally rewire your brain to see things as they are, and not through the lens of disaster.
Become aware of the little things (which matter more than the “big things”) be grateful through the day, in real-time, now. Be grateful that you have a child, that you are alive, that you have a friend, a pet, or just for the sunny day. The more you do that — the more you will realize how many things there are in this world to be grateful for. And perhaps one day you will be grateful for the narcissistic ex-partner in your life.
“There is no such thing as certainty in life... ”
My best friend died when he was 28 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him. The brutal truth is — no one knows what the future holds.
Future, planning, and stability are just an illusion and make us feel comfortable and safe. But anything bad and good can happen to anyone at any time. We think we can have control over our lives, but we don’t, and that’s scary isn’t it?
It is the loss of this “perceived” control that scares us, not the future. When you realize that no one has control over the future itself and when you surrender, then your mindset will change and you will in time, become narcissistic-free.
“Focus on what YOU want!”
Fear of the unknown will take over you if it already hasn’t. You may even think that you know what you want from your life and what is important to you, but what if it’s not what you actually want? What if these were wishes of the narcissist in your life?
My narcissistic mother wanted me to be a CEO of an IT company and I wanted to be a writer. One day, I sat in my office it was past 8 PM and I imagined myself being 70 years old. I’ve asked myself:
- Have I lived the life I wanted?
- What if I choose a different path and continued writing instead of being in a corporate world, would I be happier?
- Will I die “happy and fulfilled” or would I be full of regrets?
So I looked back on my life and made a list: a list that matters only to me, full of gratitude for all the things that I’ve learned, how far I’ve come, and the precious life I have been given.
I even organized it with categories such as Relationships, Love, Work, Spirituality. This list helped me find my own purpose and break free from the fear of what others would like me to do. This has helped me bring into sharp focus what I really want from this life. Give it a try.
“Be proud of yourself!”
I believe that positive affirmations work. They are essentially speaking to your subconscious and help you reprogram the negative beliefs about you. Your affirmations need to be:
- Simple and clear;
- They have to be about You;
- They should be spoken or written in the present tense.
Here is an example affirmation list when dealing with narcissistic ex-partners:
- I am a good parent;
- I can calmly and assertively respond to my ex-partner;
- I can put my child’s needs above my own;
- I am confident when dealing with my ex-partner;
- I am enough.
I am certain that one day you will realize that this dreadful experience with the narcissist has opened your eyes and has helped you become a better person.
It might open your old wounds and make you face them and heal from them. It will help you change and achieve astonishing personal growth. Surviving it can make you a leader, a warrior, and raise your conscious awareness of what it is like to be a human in the first place. And maybe it will make you a very happy person. It’s all up to you!
Right now, if you are in the middle of a separation, divorce, or court battle it will be hard for you. But remember:
This too shall pass.
One day it will be over, but before it is, consider therapy or specialist narcissistic abuse coaching with someone who is an expert in PTSD which you may experience.
I believe in my friend, the same way that I believe in You. I believe that one day, and may that day come very soon — you won’t fear looking back because you will be grateful for the experience you’ve had, as it would make you a better, stronger, more self-aware person and a better parent to your children.
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