Narcissistic Abuse
Learn To Spot The Many Faces Of Narcissism
Let me introduce you to Louise, Helen, and Dave. They are truly lovely narcissists.
(Disclaimer: Affiliate links included — Toxic Abusive Relationships)
I am certain that every one of us has had at least once in our life met a narcissist.
There are everywhere: they might be your mother who has used to punish you with a silent treatment when you received a B+ on your algebra test, or your former boss, who was so charming that you daydreamed about having an affair with him…A stranger on the bus? Or your partner who’ve you’ve lived with for years and have a child with and one day he/ she decided to change the locks and take you to the court for false allegations of domestic abuse.
Or perhaps, the leader of your country?
Yes, I am certain we have all met narcissists. Perhaps right now, while reading this article you are sitting next to a narcissist. Give it a thought…chilling isn’t it?
The thing is that narcissists have different personas, masks, faces, and some of them are easier to spot while others are not. I’ve had my share of meeting through my close friends and my family circle narcissists, so I can honestly tell you — they are mischievous, cunning, and adaptable.
They are the chameleons of the 21st century and they can become the end of the 21st century as we know it.
So let me introduce you just a few of the “faces” of narcissism.
First, let’s start with Helen. The so lovely, charming, center of attention Helen! She was always so likable, everybody wished to be Helen!
“Helen, take me to hell with you!”
Yes, Helen is the Exhibitionist Narcissist, also known as Grandiose or Overt. They are so superficially charming, they have unlimited outward appearances: the hardworking doctor, powerful CEO, the housewife with well-educated children, the famous actor, the politician.
Many of them may be financially and career-wise successful and those who aren’t would exploit others financially as a result of their sense of entitlement.
What do Helens of this world have in common?
- They are charismatic;
- They have “grandiose” personalities;
- They have a sense of entitlement;
- They have that big Hollywood smile splattered across their face;
- They are chameleons;
- They love to brag about their achievements;
- They are always in control;
- They show superiority wherever they can;
- They believe the world revolves around them;
- They will be the first to accuse you of cheating, while they are the ones cheating on you;
- They will make you have to ask for “approval” for everything in your life.
Helen sounds like a mean, spoiled little brat, doesn’t she? Easy to spot right? But all overt narcissists aren’t as cliche as Helen, and most are nowhere as easy to spot.
Helen wreaks havoc on the lives of those around her, with controlling abuse, until one day, if that day even arrives, the victim finds courage and breaks free from the Toxic Abusive Relationship. And when that happens, Helen erupts in rage, wrath, and further abuse.
“Hell(en) has no furry like a narcissist scorned!”
Louise, Louise, Louise….
How do I describe you? Louise is a special kind of person. The one that you don’t see coming. The one that stabs you in the back. The one that was always so helpful. I used to know Louise, or I thought so.
See Louise that I knew is a mix of Closet Narcissist and Communal Narcissist. Even though Louise is a Closet Narcissist she would not fit in one. She was huge!
Poor Louise, always so “vulnerable”, “introverted” and simply covert. A hard one to spot.
She desperately needs external validation to crush her core feelings of low self-esteem and to do so she uses very covert and manipulative tactics.
They are like a parasite, they attach themselves to a person or cause, to hold up to their belief of being special. Rather than seeking admiration for themselves, they divert the attention away to this third party, asking them to admire them instead, whilst bathing in the reflected glory.
So they’ve made an investment into something or someone and if it fails, there is no more glory for Louise. So depression hits. Louise may think of herself as a trophy wife, the biggest supporter she will talk behind other people’s backs, become resentful, envious, and malignant. She will truly despise others who do get noticed and then she will play the victim card to get the attention.
Comparing Louise to Helen, Louise is more defensive and hostile.
She is:
- Insecure;
- Needs to feel special by association ;
- Mild-mannered and overly friendly;
- Thinks of herself as most caring, most loving, and most kind.
There are overlaps here, Helen can be a Communal Narcissist — providing funds for good cause, having an audience to witness it, not because she truly cares but because it makes her feel empowered.
Louise, a Closet Narcissistic can be a Communal Narcissist too, doing things such as:
- Raising funds online for causes she doesn’t care about — seeking publicity via Facebook or other platforms;
- Priding herself on being nice;
- Being territorial;
- Repeatedly stating that “I am very caring!”, “I am the best mother!”, “You can trust me! I am very honest!”, “I know how you feel, I am a compassionate and understanding person.” etc.
They are constantly trying to convince other people of their niceness in order to deceive themselves. While they are abusive behind doors.
Now let, let’s get to my “favorite ”narcissistic character — Dave. Obviously, I am being sarcastic.
Dave is the “Devaluing Narcissist” or also called “Toxic”, “Malignant” Narcissist. Dave is a threat to our world.
These narcissists use grandiosity as defense, but when their grandiosity is punctured, they turn down on others to bring them down. They exhibit many other general narcissistic traits, but is what prominent in Dave is that they :
- Devalue;
- Criticize;
- Demean others in order to inflate themselves.
They are very envious of others around them and they express their jealousy by the “put down” technique. They can be very barbaric.
Former US President Donald Trump demonstrates devaluation beautifully, putting down anyone who doesn’t agree with him: with public name-calling, badmouthing, and ridiculing.
But there is also another version of Dave, a “stealthier ”one: they devalue others behind their back with statements like :
“She thinks only she can do her job, but anybody can do it!”, and “You know his mum is worried about his health because he gained significant weight…” etc.
Sometimes Devaluing Narcissists can be Exhibitionist Narcissists.
For example, on a good day Dave becomes Helen — charming and likable, while on the bad days, Dave is Dave — devaluing, jealous and miserable.
At the end of the day, they will always know better than you. They can't bear other people’s success, they see everyone as competition and are constantly comparing themselves to others.
There are prone to vengeful behavior in separation, parental alienation, and bringing false allegations. And they will stop at nothing to bring the other person down — ultimately to destroy them.
They must win, at all costs, and a compromise is never an option for people like Dave.
Whichever face you have encountered — be it, Helen, Louise, or Dave the end result is always the same. Victims of narcissistic abuse will be traumatized and show signs of PTSD irrespective of how emotionally strong they are.
Many of my friends have managed to cut ties with narcissists, but the traumatic experience that they’ve undergone is not over, it can be re-activated at the slightest hint of danger and make them go into “fight or flight” mode.
The victim turned survivor will struggle with chronic feelings of fear. They will be confused as if they’ve entered the foggy maze unable to find their way out. It can haunt them for many years. There will be a lot of panic, shame, and grief inside of them.
But those who choose a positive support system, such as entering treatment with comprehensive trauma-informed therapists may escape the maze earlier and heal faster, regaining their sense of worth, identity and ultimately learning how to go forward without ever looking back.
They will learn how to make themselves a priority and forgive themselves for what has happened to them. And then when they are ready, they will forgive Helen, Louise, and Dave. Not because they deserve forgiveness, but because victims deserve their inner peace.
At times you might ask yourself:
“But how can I just forgive the self-piteous, malignant, remorseless, creature behind the mask who has destroyed my life and lives of our children?”
In time you can. And in time you must, because when you do that, that would be the day that you truly set yourself free!
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