Abuse Has No Excuse
What’s Like Having To Choose Between Your Parents
How narcissistic parents divide children.
Once again I’ve witnessed something dreadful — parental alienation in one of its purest forms. While my best friend was waiting to pick up his daughter on the court scheduled visitations times, her mother stood in the doorway, as if blocking his entrance and frowning. As the child approached the door, with her backpack in her hands, and smile splattered across her face, her mother said:
“Aren’t you still feeling unwell baby? Perhaps it’s best for you to stay at home today and you can visit your father next time…”
The child, shocked, looked at both parents, not knowing what to do. My friend, her father, appalled came closer to his ex and reminded her politely that these are the court dates that the child is due to spend with him. He turned to his daughter and told her everything is okay and they can go, as planned. The child was reluctant, looking at her mother as if it was up for her to decide who to spend time with.
“Give Mummy a big hug, and call me as soon as you get there, so I know you are safe…”
Wow, that one must have caused severe anxiety for the girl who was already traumatized at the doorstep. Perhaps she thought:
- Why wouldn’t I be safe?
- I was always safe with Daddy…what is going on?
- Will my Mummy be upset again?
- I should not go perhaps…But if I don’t will I upset Daddy…
- Will Mummy take Daddy back to court?
- Will I lose my family?!
That’s what it’s like witnessing parental alienation.
The problem is that after separation narcissists don’t see others as people with wishes, desires, hopes but they see them as objects. And it applies to their children too.
Narcissistic parents think of children as extensions of themselves. They have issues separating themselves from the children, and I’ve seen it happen in various spectres. For example:
- If they are upset, they will show their upsetness to children, going as far as saying that the other parent is to blame. Which would naturally make the children want to reassure them.
No child, no matter how old, wants to see his parents cry — it’s heartbreaking. These kids are already vulnerable enough and will think that the cause of parents upsetness it’s their fault. So they will do all in their power to make it go away.
- If their anxious, they will project their fears onto their children. They will make them feel that the outside world, along with their other parent is unsafe.
I’ve seen people do this and go to extreme lengths telling kids that they might get kidnapped if they go on the court visitation dates with the other parent. Therefore children live in constant fear, fog, and those more vulnerable stop doing what children should do — go out, jump on the trampoline, go zip-lining, travel or just go to the nearby shop.
And if they do actually manage to go out, then only under the supervision of the alienating parent who has worked relentlessly to portray themselves as the child’s only protector and saviour from all bad and ugly in this world.
Parental alienation is a war zone, and children are collateral damage.
Narcissists will punish their children to get back at their ex-partner. They become pawns in the game of needing to win and destroy the opponent, anyone, who is strong enough to expose their true persona.
- They will refuse to take children out, claiming that it’s because of the other parent. They will make false statements such as: “Your Mother/Father stopped paying child support, therefore, we can’t afford to go out.”
Causing children, who may not even understand what child support is, to feel as the other parent is to blame, and doesn't love them.
- They will carry out a smear campaign, badmouthing the other parent and quite often they will use others (their flying monkeys) to badmouth their former partner.
They will go to such lengths to try and involve the other parents family, first asking them to become a “meditator” but later just to have them on their side. They will come with many false allegations, especially if the former spouse doesn’t have the strongest relationship with their family, therefore the family might become perceptible to the alienators lies. They will fear losing their grandchildren and they too will become the pawns in the narcissistic game.
But what happens to these innocent children?
Parental alienation is horrendous as it has severe effects on the development of children into healthy adults.
Every child wants to be loved. Let me rephrase this, every child needs to be loved by both parents. Their parents are the centre of the universe. They believe their parents know the best, especially in pre-teen years. When these kids are put in between their parents they are likely to feel as if:
- They are not good enough — why try?
- Everything is their fault — why exist?
They will feel helpless and stop pursuing their own dreams, they won’t know in the first place, what their own dreams are. This will later affect their future relationships with others, education and career.
They are likely to develop co-dependency issues. This may lead to unhealthy relationships with narcissists, narcotics and other addictive substances.
Sometimes, children of narcissists become narcissists themselves and they go and abuse others, these traits can already start developing in their early teens. They can develop black and white thinking. They might demand from their friends' affection and attention and when not given, they might develop strong feelings of hatred for them.
These children become bound by the toxic generational chain.
What can you do?
You must become a healthy role model in your child’s life. It’s crucial that you help your kids develop empathy. You can achieve this by talking to your child about feelings, discussing people, characters in books or movies and listening to how your child is or isn't affected by certain situations.
Help your child develop healthy boundaries and stand up for themselves but also understand why these boundaries are created in the first place. Teaching your child to argue, in an assertive way their own opinions, wishes and dreams is essential when helping the child evade future toxic relationships.
Never badmouth the other parent. Encourage your child to speak their own thoughts and feelings, promote their own uniqueness which doesn’t mirror you or the other parent. Help your children find their own path and create their own script for their life.
Not all children are doomed to repeat the toxic life scripts of their parents. And by having one parent that isn’t a narcissist then your child already has a 50% chance to get over the emotional trauma and bring their own children into this world and stop the generational chain of abuse.
With your dedication and love, you will raise the bar, that the alienating parent would not be able to follow because you have something that they will never have — empathy.
Want to support my journey and help me raise awareness about the Parental Alienation issue and break the stigma? You can do so by buying me a coffee or two.
Please do HERE.
Want to read more stories from me?
SUBSCRIBE BELOW!
Want to read more and write yourself?
BECOME A MEMBER!
