TANKA | TRAMBLE

Healing

A Parent’s Dilemma

I’m feeling confused

Healing of mind body soul

Seeking clarity

From the mess of over thought

Letting go to trust the flow

My thoughts are a jumbled mess on healing at the moment.

I feel confident I am taking steps to heal myself — mind body and soul. I am a believer that they are all linked. When they are all aligned — I am in peace. Showing up in life with ease — not dis-ease.

BUT…as an entrusted guide for others. As a parent. The others being my children. I’m not as confident in my trust or knowing.

Is there a difference in approaching healing for our kids?

For me, at the moment, that is a BIG yes.

While I know I can only control myself, I feel a responsibility to get it “right” for my kids. Whatever right is.

All the tools I have at my disposal, and I haven’t gained enough clarity to fully accept the is-ness of the situation. To let the control go.

Why?

Because I am scared of losing them. Because I am scared of getting in that ambulance again. Because I am scared of watching them be in pain. Scared of making the call to their father and telling him. Not doing enough, not being enough to protect them.

How connected am I still to my children? — they came through me, yet they are not me. For now, and perhaps ever, I will feel responsible for their health and wellbeing. Their safety.

Here’s the deal.

My eldest, Billie (6) has anaphylactic reactions to eggs and nuts.

My youngest, Matilda (3) recently started telling everyone that she was allergic to the same things as her sister.

Taking a leaf out of Billie's book. Telling people she was allergic to eggs and nuts when they offered her food. To say, thanks but no thanks, I have safe food my parents have packed for me.

I had the concern that Matilda telling everyone she was allergic, would result in her being allergic.

Well — turns out I was right. She had her first allergic reaction a few weeks ago. To eggs.

Was I right because I thought it, or because she said it? Or both?

We were grateful to grab a specialist appointment, (some wait from 6 months to 5 years to get one) on a cancellation. The specialist’s testing confirming what I already knew — the culprit was eggs.

We were advised during COVID to take extra precautions for Billie’s safety. I stopped having eggs in the house. The eggy breakfasts I had been taking Matilda out for while Billie was in school stopped. Billie was home, places were closed. We were staying at home. Minimising exposure as instructed.

In that short time, Matilda’s tolerance to eggs dropped.

Her first exposure to the egg after the lockdown eased up looked like this…for almost 3 days.

She was breathing fine. No tongue or lip swelling like her sister.

This is considered a mild reaction.

So I am confidently re-introducing her to eggs. The reactions are still happening, but not as severe or for as long.

By repeated exposure to egg, I expect her to tolerance to return. Her allergies to disappear — happy days.

Now…Billie….is a different story.

I starved her for the first couple of months she was alive.

Doctors telling me to keep doing what I was doing. Me, not sleeping. Trying to breastfeed around the clock. Inverted nipples, an undiagnosed tongue-tie and a partner who was intoxicated for the most part adding to the chaos.

Billie stopped putting on weight and started losing it. She dropped below her birth weight at 7 weeks old.

Once I finally “woke up” and stopped listening to others, I started expressing like a madwoman to get my supply back up. Mixed feeding, daily weigh-ins and learning to be a new mum. Well… to say the least, our house was energetical crazy. This is not what society sold me on motherhood! My expectations kicked out the door.

She survived. I survived. We survived.

From the ripples of consequences of that situation, did Billie lack the sense of belonging she needed to feel grounded? Is not having that connection a possible reason for allergies.

Did not getting enough food fuck up her gut that it caused the anaphylactic reactions? Did the immunisations she had, add to the confusion in her body?

Was it my madwoman antics of holding on to the “expectations of accepted parenting shoulds” too tight that impacted her?

Was it all of those things and more?

Who knows for sure. More to the point does it even matter? I would have said, yes once. So others can avoid the same.

But… It is what it is. What the universe sent for us to learn from.

It all comes down to the reality that her physical body is shows signs of an imbalance. Energetically (spirit), subconsciously (mind) and physically (body) there is a misalignment.

Now the conundrum.

I know it is not my job to “fix” her…but it seems on some level that is what in essence myself and others are trying to do.

The experts, the nutritionists, the energy healers…me. Trying to “heal” her.

Are we right? Are we wrong? The judgement is not mine. The reality is that that is exactly what we are trying to do.

My partner has witnessed Bille heal herself.

“Daddy, I can’t do the breathing,” she told him one night when I was away.

Her lips and tongue swelling, and her breathing was raspy.

He grabbed her epi-pen. She started freaking out.

She has an intense fear of needles — I believe from earlier reactions and blood tests when she was younger.

She became so charged about the jab, her symptoms started to disappear. The swelling went. Her breathing returned to normal.

Did she produce her own adrenaline in that moment?

I believe yes.

It wasn’t the only time either. She trusted her Aunty one day. Ate some cake icing — it was royal icing so it had egg whites in it.

The look on her face said it all.

She knew it had egg in it. She knew on some level that if she started vomiting etc, it would mean missing out on the fun at the party. Without anyone’s prompting, she took a deep breath. Closed her eyes and said, I’m not sick I’m not sick I’m not sick.

She wasn’t sick.

Now there are countless other times before and since she has had reactions.

Even though she has displayed the ability to self-heal, she doesn’t always choose to. Mind over matter not always the tool. The “why” perhaps not enough in that moment to call upon the strength and energy she needs to self heal.

How do we guide her to harness and embrace that power?

I’m not sure.

Is me doing all this, holding on too tight to the issue? Am I making it harder for her to heal? I can only do what I can do — I feel like I would be negligent if I didn’t hold on to it on some level.

Until I know otherwise, I will continue to take her to the doctors and specialists. Keep up the energy healing sessions. Keep changing things in her diet. Manage her risks as best as I can. Keep working on me. Own my own energy so I show up in a state of energy that supports me responding vs reacting.

It is what it is.

Step by step I know the clarity and ability to let go more will come.

Thanks go to Diana C. for this week’s prompt “healing”. It came at a time I needed to process my thoughts. I am grateful the prompt gave me space to reflect.

Dots of connection

Leading up to this prompt, my beliefs on healing became challenged. These pieces and resulting discussions from Rebecca Romanelli, Rasheed Hooda, Henery X (long), Michael Ritoch and Kevin James fresh in my mind. Thank you to each of you for sharing your stories with the world. They are seen. They are heard and they are rippling thoughts and change throughout the world.

Michael, I didn’t mention in my response at the time — I was crying too much…but, I wanted to let you know that by sharing your story you widened my perspective so very much. It helped me understand more what my sister was possibly feeling.

She went through years of cancer treatment with my nephew Ben who was 6 at the time. Hearing the kids on the ward not understanding why they couldn’t eat, why they had ports that prevented them from hugging, from playing like others, why they felt like crap after chemo or hyped up from steroids… a journey that taught us all so very much. Ben, an empathetic aware 15 year old as a result. Thankfully given the all-clear from cancer a year ago

So much love and respect to you both.

And to John, Fay, Fleur, Christine, Geoff and Jan…. your stories stay with me. Always.

Thanks for reading

Thanks for being you