He Told Me All I Needed to Do Was Half-Flirt to Get My Way

Genuine career advice or flagrant sexism?

“Hey, do you know what defragging a computer means?”

Jerking up abruptly from staring at my shoes, I looked wide-eyed and nervously at the operator — a white male in his 50s dressed in baggy blue coveralls that couldn’t quite hide his beer belly.

I cast a glance around me, hoping it was someone else he was addressing. There was no one behind me or around me. The engineer I’d come with was nowhere to be seen.

“Um … yeah, it’s when the computer sorts the pieces of data that it’s got stored on the hard drive and puts it all back together,” I stammered hesitantly.

Instinctively, I knew this was a test. But I couldn’t figure out exactly what I was being tested for and how to navigate it. I looked around again, hoping the engineer would come back into the room and save me.

“Huh. Yeah, that’s what my grandkid told me last night.” he grunted.

I nodded and smiled, wondering if I passed this test. I stayed silent, hoping this would be the end of the conversation.

“Look at you kids now, all good with computers and stuff. You look pretty young. You an engineer?” he continued.

I was quick to tell him I was only an intern and not a real engineer. I explained how I was merely tagging alongside the actual engineer for a day trip out to visit the field and learn about operations.

Eventually, the engineer popped his head back into the room and gestured that he was ready to hit the road. I gave the operator a nod farewell and left the lunchroom.

I had just settled myself into the engineer’s truck when he casually told me,

“You girls have it so easy. All you have to do is half-flirt with the operators and they’ll be eating out of your hands.”

I shot him a confused and puzzled look, so he continued.

“Yeah, like exactly what you did the lunchroom. I left you alone and came back to see you chatting and getting along fine with them. I had to earn my way in and prove myself to them.”

I mused over this. I might not be the smoothest girl in the dating game but since when did talking about computer defragmentation count as flirting?

He brushed aside my rebuttal.

“It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about. All you gotta do is walk in, smile, and be your cheerful, bubbly self. Trust me, you’ll get them on your side. Remember this for after you graduate.”

Years later, after I graduated and became a “real” engineer, I did remember his words to me.

I started by making the occasional site visit and slowly began working more with the operators — this time, without the guise of an intern to shield me. Memories of this conversation would float to the surface. I’d take a deep breath and plaster a smile on my face to hide my nervousness.

Later, I was sent out to the field full time to “learn how things really get done”. During that time, his words hovered over me. I could never decide if it was a guardian angel looking out for me or the burden of a scarlet letter.

I’ve carried his words with me for over a decade now. I’ve done countless site visits and spent years working shoulder-to-shoulder with operators in the field. After all this time, I still can’t quite decide what to make of his advice.

On one hand, he definitely considered these words of advice to me, albeit not your typical canned career advice. Perhaps “half flirt” wasn’t the proper terminology for him to use; but who wouldn’t advocate for someone to show up with a cheerful, positive attitude when making a first impression?

The ability to get along with people is a critical skill set to successfully navigating a career but I have yet to encounter it in a university curriculum. The ability to convince someone to like you, work with you, and help you in as short a time period as possible is extremely underrated. So as far as that engineer’s concerned, he handed me the key to successfully working with operators on a silver platter.

On the other hand, the feminist in me — the girl who’s stood her ground in a male-dominated world — bristles at the suggestion of using feminine wiles to get ahead in the rat race. It seems only a few shades off from the stereotypical “sleeping your way” to a promotion and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I want to point out to the world that I shouldn’t be accused of “half-flirting” just because I’m smiling and trying to get along with people. If a guy were to walk in and do the same thing, would people say he was half-flirting? No, they’d say he came in with the right attitude.

You need the operators to like you — otherwise, your ideas get dismissed and your requests are consistently “forgotten”. At the same time, you can’t forget your dignity and the importance of earning their respect.

I’ve spent the majority of my career navigating this fine line. Despite this questionable career advice that I’ve carried with me my entire career, I’m proud to say I’ve built a reputation as someone who gets along well with the operators but isn’t their bitch.

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