He Asked Me if I Was the Cleaning Lady

I told him, “No, I’m the engineer”

He asked me if I was the cleaning lady.

I realize that as a petite Asian girl of 5 feet nothing and easily looking a decade younger than I really am, I might not be what you’d expect when you imagine an engineer.

Normally, I’m mistaken for a student — sometimes in university, sometimes in high school.

But apparently, I look like a cleaning lady to this fellow.

Within minutes of me arriving at site, I knew I had a decision to make — and it had nothing to do with any technical work.

Do I smile and brush off the insult?

It would be better for the sake of field camaraderie — the friendly but shallow field banter of strangers coming together to work a job. I don’t think he’s purposely being insulting and I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. That kind of reputation doesn’t get you very far when you’re working in the field.

Or do I respond seriously and let him know that this isn’t an appropriate question to ask?

I could make use of the privilege I possess to correct a misconception and stereotype. I could try and make this an educational moment for him, but it could also backfire on me and I’d know there would be whispers in the undercurrent about me being sensitive or a diversity hire.

Not once did I consider reporting this incident. Because that’s not how things are done in the field.

I smiled, shook my head, and told him,

“No, I’m not the cleaning lady. I’m the engineer.”

He took in the coveralls I was pulling from the truck and made note of the company logo stitched to the front.

Then he said,

“Oh! If I’d seen those coveralls, I wouldn’t have thought you were the cleaning lady. Too bad, I was going to ask if you’d be willing to clean out my trailer once you were done with the company trailer.”

I paused again, debating internally how to handle this.

This guy is either completely clueless as he continues to make things worse or the conversation has now taken a turn down “sexual innuendo” lane.

Either way, I decide I’ve had enough of this conversation and repeat myself, this time with a bit more added authority.

“Hate to disappoint but I’m not here to clean anything as the engineer. I hold the budget for this job so I’m here for a site visit. Maybe learn a thing or two while I’m out here.”

I toss in the last line to tone down the authority and flash a smile as if to say, “Hey, I’m cool”. He chuckles, hands me the site papers to sign, and runs me through the mandatory site check-in speech.

Stories like this one are not unique.

Each time there’s a new crew, there’s an invisible jockeying of power — not necessarily for authority but for respect. Each party is sizing each other up and first impressions matter.

It’s a fine line to walk. You need to be “one of the boys” if you want their cooperation and support. Just because you ask them to do something doesn’t mean they will. And there actually is a lot to learn from them once you get to know them and once you earn their respect.

But it’s also vital — for your own personal safety — to make it clear that there are boundaries. These jobs are in remote locations. You’re in the middle of nowhere and you’re without doubt rubbing shoulders with a few criminal records.

It can be a vulnerable feeling sometimes at site, especially when you’re by yourself on a new job with unfamiliar people. The corporate logo I wear protects me from anything “actually bad” but the rest of it is up to me, my wits, and my instincts.

I never asked that man why he thought I was the cleaning lady.

Is it because I’m Asian or because I’m a woman? Or perhaps the shocking combination of both?

Did I let down my fellow visible minorities and my fellow women by not addressing the issue right there and then on the spot?

What if instead of letting it pass unaddressed, I’d spoken up and used my privilege as the engineer and my confidence as a native English speaker to call it out?

Maybe I could have removed one tiny stone from this mountain. Maybe I could have convinced this man to think twice before making assumptions. Maybe I could have helped the next Asian woman who travels this path.

But I didn’t because I was vulnerable and uncertain too.