He Says He Wants to Stay friends
More often than not they don't mean it.
After ending a situationship the guy in question asked me to stay friends. Except that for the following months, he never behaved like a real one.
Natalie from Baggage Reclaim has written about this extensively:
He says: Let’s be friends.
Translation: I want to keep a foot in the door, hit you up for a shag and an ego stroke on occasion, and stop you from moving on by hinting that we might be together again. — Natalie Lue
Here is the thing: a good amount of men offer “friendship” because it is a way of keeping the door open for still getting laid. That's one of the main motives as to why they offer such an agreement, it's in the hopes of getting sex.
Also in the hopes of getting validation, attention, and affection from you. Yes, for emotional support: a shoulder to cry on and obviously other ulterior motives.
Now despite of what I just stated above, of course, there are guys who do offer genuine friendship. — How can you tell if they mean it?
Well to start with: he won't try to get in your pants. He won't message you late at night and make sexual comments. He won't try to kiss or touch you like a lover when you are together. Simply put he will behave like a real friend. There would be no room for disrespect.
However, you need to keep this in mind: You can't be friends with a man you are still attracted to.
If you agree to a friendship with the expectation of eventually getting back together this is only going to backfire on you, believe me when I say this.
Staying “friends” gives us false hope, it prevents us from moving on. I know you want him to still be part of your life. But settling for an immediate friendship with someone you were romantically involved it's not the best idea.
Here is something we need to do more often:
Accept our feelings as valid.
You have to be true to yourself and what you want. If your needs were not being met, if you didn’t feel safe or appreciated, if you could not stand the uncertainty and inconsistency. If he wasn’t making you happy, then frankly what makes you think a friendship will?
If you wanted to be his one and only and he was treating you like an option if you wanted a relationship and he didn’t want to be on the same page. Then don’t fool yourself into believing “staying friends” will be sufficient for you, cause it won't.
You will never have to negotiate your way into a heart that wants you there.
When a man truly wants to be with a woman, he will move heaven and earth to do so. He will fight for her; he will put in the effort. Honestly, he wouldn't let her go.
So what can you say when he suggests that type of arrangement?
First, place boundaries.
Once the relationship or casual relationship is over, whichever it is, and if you are doing the No Contact rule, then you can communicate to him that he needs to give you time to be on your own.
This is an example of what I said to my old flame when I ended things (for the second time):
“I need to focus on myself, so please don’t call me or text me or try to see me. I want a partner who wants to be on the same page. And you’ve told me you don’t want a relationship. Respect my wishes, please.”
If he truly wants to be your friend he will respect your need for space.
If he is still reaching out then pay attention to what he says and does.
- Is he asking you for a second chance?
- Is he treating you like you want to be treated?
- Is he now the type of partner you want to have?
- Or is he coming to you with the same offer?
Don’t spend more months or god forbids more years of your life hoping for an unfulfilling arrangement to magically change.
Don’t lie to yourself and agree to a friendship when you know that's not what you want. Don’t settle for seldom crumbs of attention and appreciation from him.
Let's love ourselves enough to be able to stand for ourselves and say: you know, I do wish and hope the best for you. This isn’t really what I am looking for.
Finally; if you are serious about being in a committed relationship, accept no substitutes.
