Real Talk: Mistakes I Made While Doing the “No Contact rule”

Them reaching out doesn't mean they want to get back together.

When we like an individual so damn much, it's incredibly difficult to walk away, and even harder when they don’t let you go.

Not placing boundaries when a relationship or situatioship ends, in my case, made me experience more pain.

These are things I wish someone would’ve told me the first time around.

Backstory

Shortly after my heartbreak, last year, I met a guy I really liked — damn it, I still do. I have stopped feeling guilty for having feelings, though.

I remember during my grieving days wondering when and if I would feel excited about meeting a new man again. And indeed I did.

I am very grateful to have met him. He proved to me that we can still feel that cute, silly excitement when developing interest in someone new, that our ability to love does not die with our last relationship.

In a nutshell: He simply wasn't a good match and for some time I just didn't see it.

After a couple of months of going out, it became evident that he wanted to keep it casual and I wanted a stable partner. So I was plain honest with him, I decided to put an end to it. That didn’t last though.

For almost three weeks we didn’t talk. Then he reached out. And here is the thing. This is what we need to differentiate. This is what I didn’t know before.

#1: They contacting you doesn’t mean they are missing you or that you are getting back together.

Pay attention to what happens after he gets back in contact.

My mistake was believing that because he was reaching out that meant he wanted to “give it a try”. That wasn’t the case.

If he does want to genuinely give it a try, then he will explicitly tell you. He can say things like:

• I miss you. Let’s talk. I want to be with you.
• Let’s get back together. Let’s try again, please.

Here is what it won’t sound like:

• Hi/Hey.
• Hey, just checking in.
• Hey, how are you doing?
• So, do you wanna go for a beer/have coffee?

If he is not chasing you, if he is not, like I said before, explicitly telling you: I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU. Then that’s all you need to know.

#2: If you are still having sex with them, that doesn’t mean they are missing you or that you are getting back together.

Another mistake I made was assuming that we were going to get back together because sex was involved. Sure having sex with him feels comfortable and good. Besides it is much easier than going on first dates again.

But, guess what? You are still not getting back together.

If you walked away from a casual arrangement because your needs were not being met; because you didn't feel safe or appreciated; because you could not stand the uncertainty and inconsistency; because you simply were unhappy. Then don't take the downgrade of becoming their booty call.

Don’t expect commitment from him because you are exchanging bodily fluids again. I know you want him to recognize how great you guys were together and that he might regret losing it.

Remember the saying: why buy the cow when you can drink the milk for free? If he has already told you that he doesn’t want a commitment and you are still sticking around. Then, after all, he is getting what he wanted and you are not.

Sex confuses the hell out of us. It's blinding. It clouds our minds and compromises our judgment. So, I am evidently telling you and advising you to refrain from getting laid with this specific individual.

#3: Them saying “let’s be friends”, doesn’t mean they are missing you or that you are getting back together.

Related to the above you can't be friends if you are still having sex with them!

Natalie from Baggage Reclaim has written about this extensively.

We find it very easy to come up with excuses to remain friends that essentially are codewords and phrases for not wanting to let go and not loving ourselves enough. — Natalie Lue

I think we agree to the idea of staying friends because we want them to be part of our lives. And this is a common issue in dating and relationships. When we are emotionally attached and heavily invested it’s difficult to distance ourselves from them.

The thing is: you can not immediately go from being lovers to being friends. — Staying friends with these guys prevents you from moving on.

I wasn't aware of this before, but more than a few men offer “friendship” because it is a way of keeping the door open for getting laid or getting validation from you or other ulterior motives. Don't let them take advantage of you.

And don't get me wrong. I also fancy the thought of remaining friends. However, in order for that to happen, you need to be over this individual.

There needs to be a break, otherwise, you will resume whatever you had going on before, and you will receive even less. Trust me, on this one.

Place boundaries

Once the relationship or almost relationship has ended, and if you are doing the No Contact rule, then you can communicate to your ex that he needs to give you time to be on your own. This is an example of what I said to mine:

“I need to focus on myself, so please don't call me or text me or try to see me. I want a partner who wants to be on the same page. And you've told me you don't want a relationship. Respect my wishes, please.”

At the same time, I blocked his account. It's not that I had anything against him. I did that for myself.

Right now you need to do what is best for you. You are first. After a while, you realize that you are better off without him.

In Conclusion

So to recap, when having him coming back to your life, focus and pay attention to what he actually says and does. If he asks you for a second chance, you decide what to do.

If he is coming to you with the same offer, then simply don't bother. Do not continue to waste your time and energy with him.

In regards to being friends, remember that a friendship is immediately not possible. Do the No Contact rule for a few months or at least 30 days, and then you determine if you do want to be their friend.

Be sure you don't have expectations of a relationship, because if that's the case. Then you don't truly want a friendship with them.

Lastly, walking away and staying apart is definitely not easy, but it will give you clarity. It will give you a better judgment. And with better judgment you will not settle for less.