I Gave My Situationship a Second Chance
Newsflash! Nothing changed.
“You can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate.”
Before I had written about my experience with a situationship. We didn’t have anything secured so I always had the feeling that it could be over at any time without further notice.
He was emotionally unavailable. The main reason why I ended it, is because I could not stand the uncertainty and the inconsistency.
So what happened this time?
Despite the fact that I asked him not to contact me, in less than 3 weeks (that’s how long the “no contact rule” lasted in my case), he texted me and asked if I had changed my mind. He continued to reach out the next days and so gradually we started texting repeatedly. Yes, I admit it. I was weak.
We agreed to have dinner two months after I cut it off. During that period I did try to meet other people, to go on dates, nonetheless, I still didn’t have anything compared to what he and I had. It was easier to go out with him than going on a first date with a new guy.
That dinner date was super romantic and we had intercourse. I was so excited.
I went home thinking that it would work this time around. I mistakenly believed he would appreciate me more because we had been apart for a while. He sent a good night text and said he enjoyed our time together. I went to bed dreaming of paradise.
The next morning like several other times before, I did not receive any message from him and the reality hit me. A lot of times we assume that someone wants to get back together with us because we are still going on dates with them or because they are still reaching out. He never said that he wanted to try again going out with me, he never asked me to give him a second chance. It was all in my head, of course. What followed the next weeks and months was more of the same, actually less than that.
¨The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.¨ — Maureen Dowd
The first time we dated. I used to see him once a week. The communication was 3 or 4 times a week. It was super casual, forget about my needs being met. This second time. He would reach out once a week but never make an attempt to see me or move things forward.
I was clearly receiving less than before. I was fooling myself around cause I wanted him to be a part of my life, even though I was only getting breadcrumbs. That whole time I was secretly hoping he would become the kind of partner that I wanted. One day I was okay with it and the next day I didn’t want to hear from him ever again. It was so dysfunctional. I felt like we could still try to be together. I kept asking myself how long is this going to last? One month, two months, three months? And what do I do meanwhile? Do I wait for him to be ready? hell, no!
Choosing to do the right thing can be one of the hardest decisions ever.
I knew I deserve better. I was emotionally drained. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was fed up with waiting for his texts, wondering when I would see him next.
I believe I was making excuses for his wishy-washy behavior — Since he didn’t have a normal upbringing, he does not know how to show he cares, if I stay long enough, I can help him be better, etc. I am sure you are familiar with excuses like these. I was “too understanding, too nice”. I didn’t want to hurt him, though all of that was causing me a lot of pain.
Accepting that this person was actually not the right partner for me was a looong process and it wasn’t an easy one. God, it was painful. After reading numerous articles, watching videos, and listening to podcasts about this topic I finally accepted that we were never going to have a relationship, nothing concrete. I wasn’t going to be an option for him anymore. The last time I saw him was in December of 2020. And after 6 months of this on and off situation, I knew it just wasn’t fair for me to continue with this arrangement in 2021.
I hated that I was exactly where I was months ago. I hated that I had to end it again. I hated that I had to go through that pain again. I hated telling myself “you should have known better”.
I was looking for the right time to do it, but there is no such thing. I told him that I wanted someone that was on the same page. That he knew that he was not that person. I asked him to be empathetic with me and to respect my wishes. And that was it. I did feel better after ending it and I am aware that at some point I will second guess my decision, at the same time I’ve learned that I will be okay. I also blocked him on social media. Seeing him watching my stories, without a doubt, was not going to help to let go. He had my phone number. I understand that if he wanted to contact me he would have. I am happy to say he didn’t.
I’ve read in my journal how I was feeling during the former months and I tell myself I can't go back to the same. I recognized that: yes, we had good times. Yes, I will miss him. Though, in retrospect, I’ve been more miserable than happy with him and my mental health is first. I am first. I love me. I am worthy of more. And you know what? — I am doing well.
To conclude
After several months I had to see it for what it was instead of what I wanted it to be. I comprehend now that he kept coming back because he liked the attention. He was still contacting me to keep me interested. He had me on the backburner. Albeit, he couldn’t commit to being with me, he wanted me there as an option.
Toxic is when he refuses to leave you alone, but he also refuses to treat you right.
When a guy wants to be with you he will explicitly tell you. When he doesn’t know what he wants, he will give you mixed signals.
Unfortunately, you can’t force someone who totally doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship to suddenly want one — and that is one of the hardest relationship lessons anyone has to learn.
The thing is: you have to see this individual make a definitive change in effort. If he is coming back to you with the same offer. Then, please know, the situation will be evidently the same. It won't change.
You deserve a guy who DOES want to be with you. Period. Take no substitutes.