“He is mean because he likes you”
And one other phrase to never say to your child
The sun hugged my shoulders, but instead of enjoying her warmth, something my neighbor said disturbed me.
Watching my kids play, she leaned over, and muttered her granddaughter’s distress:
‘Don’t make me go back to school. It’s so bad, I’d rather have dad homeschool me.’
What happened? A classmate had yanked her ponytail again. A vintage move, like my neighbor’s effort to comfort her darling:
‘Don’t worry Faye, he’s mean because he likes you.’
While her words meant to make Faye feel better, something didn’t sound right, so I consulted my PA Google afterward.
Two harmful phrases to say to a child, and why
Here’s what I found: why you should drop this cliche and another harmful phrase.
Phrase one: ‘He’s mean because he likes you.’
Don’t say it:
- It shows children being aggressive is an acceptable way to show affection.
- Framing this behavior as positive gives boys a carte blanche to pick on a girl.
- You deny your child tools to handle harassment at an early age.
Let’s look at the broader context
We’re living in a world where 1 in 3 (30%) of women have experienced physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner gender-based violence, according to the World Health Organization.
In the US, 14 percent of male and 20 percent of female abuse victims first endured partner violence between 11 and 17, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said.
Jess Adler, program director for the leadership program Start Strong Boston, explains:
“Girls and young women between 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence — almost triple the national average.”
So, if a girl lets you know she was being harassed by a boy, saying he was mean because he likes you shows her it’s okay for boys, and later men, to treat her like this.
Similarly, it lets boys off the hook, showing them they can treat girls with disrespect. Worse, we encourage misogyny.
Also, by dismissing her distress, you’re not teaching her to avoid anyone who is mean, nor showing her how to stand up to bullies.
What to say instead
Explain this behavior is not acceptable and why it’s OK not to play with someone who harms her. Explain that hurting someone emotionally or physically is never part of a healthy relationship.
Also, promote healthy boy/girl friendships; they teach children about healthy adult relationships, says author Lynne Griffin.
Phrase two: ‘Boys will be boys’
Another toxic gem, used at the playground schoolyard, and teachers’ faculty rooms.
Don’t say it:
- It is a thoughtless way to excuse boys’ bad behavior; giving adults a way out of tackling bad behavior.
- We give boys, and the men they grow into the impression that they shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions; it’s in their nature.
- This phrase perpetuates the thought there is only one way to be a boy.
Let’s look at the broader context
When analyzing ‘Boys will be boys’, toxic masculinity comes up. Let me explain.
The Good Men Project’s definition is a good starting point:
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status, and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness, where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured.
You get the idea. So when our Western culture adopts this narrow description of manhood, we believe violence is hardwired. From there, it’s a small step excusing boys of being rough and men of violent aggression.
Let’s take a look at US statistics; suicide and violent crimes affect men more than women. Men are four times more likely to die of suicide than women, and men commit nearly 90% of violent crimes.
Equally important, when society thinks of manhood in terms of strength and weakness only, we pass on to our boys; there is only one way to be a man. Don’t tell them to stop suppressing their emotions. Instead, show them how to express who they are in ways they are comfortable with, not with what society tells them to be. Because our boys deserve better.
What to say instead
Your child is still forming ideas about themselves. Support them by having age-appropriate conversations, and explain the many ways to being a human.
Positive things parents can do
There are four things parents can do to raise children without society’s narrow ideas on gender:
- Model behavior you want to see in your children; above all, be kind.
- Show your kids how to talk about feelings; let them know how to label and work through intense emotions.
- Teach your children kindness.
- Encourage them to make male and female friends.
Final Thoughts
Western society still holds dear narrowly constructed ideas of gender. These are perpetrated by seemingly harmless phrases like ‘he is mean because he likes you’, or ‘boys will be boys’.
As my neighbor did with Faye, we make the same mistakes our parents, grandparents, and educators did if we repeat these cliches. In a world where violence damages the fabric of our society, we must do better.
So let’s help children build healthy emotional foundations instead. Don’t teach boys misogyny, but show them how to solve arguments with words, be kind, and stand up for women.
In other words, let’s make their world a better place.
Further reading:https://www.learningforjustice.org/magazine/say-no-to-boys-will-be-boyshttps://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-difference-between-toxic-masculinity-and-being-a-man-dg/https://pulse.seattlechildrens.org/boys-will-be-boys-the-negative-effects-of-traditional-masculinity/More from this author:
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