Yet More Medium News!

Have You Discovered the Listicle Magic Number Yet — I Have!

Everything you wanted to know about writing pointless articles

I wrote a piece a few weeks ago, entitled

Five Hundred Ways To Get Boosted On Medium!

People were disappointed I’d only written five. Some complained they were settling down for the afternoon to read my piece, when it abruptly stopped at step #5.

You’re a con-artist and a joke

One reader commented, which is the best compliment I’ve ever had. Not only a con-artist, but a joke as well. Incredible!

Truth was, I was never going to write 500 reasons. One, there aren’t five hundred. And secondly, even if there were, would anyone read them?

#365 — Write a listicle about your testicles

#366 — Write a listicle about your vagina

No reasonable self-help guru — even Zulie Rane who makes a living out of writing mind-crushingly boring pieces — would consider writing 500 ways to get boosted.

There is a limit to the listicle. Probably ten items, maybe five, perhaps three. Best would be none. A non-listicle. More commonly called a piece of writing that isn’t split up into numbered sections like this.

Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Neighbour

I wrote that. Plus

Eight Ways I Don’t Want to Die

As well as

Ten Telltale Signs Your Writing Sucks

This one got boosted. Pure fluke. I didn’t know what I was doing, which is probably why. Every piece I’ve actually spent time on, has failed.

I wrote a piece yesterday about René Daumal’s Mont Analogue. I had one comment, and that was from Uvebruce because he’s nice.

Even the editors of Ellemeno where I placed it, didn’t comment. Even Scott-Ryan Abt didn’t comment, and he always comments.

I should have written a listicle. I’m so stupid.

Ten Easy Ways to Climb Mount Analogue

That would have been it. Lead the reader into the piece and up the mountain via the tried and tested Medium technique of writing everything in a list.

#1 — Who was René Daumal?

#2 — Where is Mount Analogue?

#3 — What is Mount Analogue?

#4 — Is there Wi-Fi on Mount Analogue?

#5 — What’s the currency on Mount Analogue?

#6 — Do I need Health insurance?

#7 — What’s the time difference?

#8 — Will I get stabbed on Mount Analogue?

#9 — Do they have a Nandos?

# 10— What’s the piece about, again?

See!

Everything you wanted to know about Mount Analogue without getting too bogged down in the boring, metaphysical nitty-gritty of the book. Just a gentle paddle in the warm waters of the novel without the head fuck of having to understand the spiritual relevance of it. Even better, you can tell your dumb friends: “Yeah, I’ve read Mount Analogue!”

So there you go

#1 The Listicle

the perfect way to draw readers in, half interest them, then leave them to think they are far cleverer than they are.

#2 Keep it simple — keep it basic — keep it listicle!

Thanks for reading, for more listicles, check out

Or Daumal’s Mont Analogue — if you’re clever enough!