Hate Asking for Favors? Use the BYAF Rule to Increase Your Comfort by Giving them an Easy Way Out

Emotionally intelligent people use the BYAF rule to make asking for favors less awkward for the other person as well as themselves.

I don’t know if you’re like me but I hate asking for favors. Part of this is growing up being taught I should never ask for anything from anyone because it’s an imposition. So, I’m generally self-sufficient and will do practically anything so I don’t need to ask for help.

But like everyone, I have had times in my life when I’ve needed to ask others for a favor since there was no other way to handle the situation. Even when it’s a good friend or someone I’ve done a favor for in the past, I am always reluctant. I feel like I’m putting someone in a position where they feel like they can’t say no.

I generally go through verbal gymnastics when the asking someone for something, because I worry that whether they say yes or no, they’ll think poorly of me in the future and it will make them less likely to want to have anything to do with me. Many of us are taught that asking for a favor or help from someone is a weakness, lazy or just taking advantage of others, so we are loathe to do it.

Though I didn’t know that it had a name, I found out I’ve been using something calling the BYAF rule, a habit I developed early on to make asking people for something less uncomfortable for everyone concerned.

Before Happening Upon the BYAF Rule

Before I learned to use the BYAF rule, I made a mess of asking for help with something. I think this was a function of my never doing it until it was something that was really important, and though I’d searched, I realized I had no other way of handling it. I guess because I almost never asked anyone for anything, I thought that on those once in a blue moon occasions when I had to, the person would be willing to help.

Regardless, part of me still felt like it was wrong to do, so I gave it everything I had. I stressed how I wouldn’t be asking if I had any other option, told them how important it was as another justification, added how much help it would be if they’d agree, heck, I all but begged. And was often turned down. Even though I acted like it was no big deal, it was to me, and the fact that they couldn’t see how important it was upsetting.

But then I realized that when someone asks me for something, although I generally agree, there are times I feel a bit resentful of they way that they asked. I feel put on the spot. Sometimes that makes me defensive while I may feel like I don’t want to do them the favor, if I’m not their last option. The more they make it seem like I can’t say no, the less I focus on what they need and why, and the more I focus on how to get out of it.

Stumbling on BYAF

Already feeling self-conscious when asking anyone for anything, I began using the strategy of telling them before I ever asked, that I had a favor to ask but they were perfectly free to say no and I could always figure something else out, even when I knew I likely couldn’t. The more I gave them an “out,” while making it clear that they could say no for any reason with no hard feelings and no concerns that I had no other way to take care of the problem, the more likely they were to quickly say yes and the more obvious it was that they genuinely didn’t mind.

The “But You Are Free” (BYAF) rule operates by decreasing someone’s perception that their freedom to say no is being threatened. When used right at the outset before making your request, the person immediately know they have a way out without needing to come up with an excuse. This makes them more likely to listen to what it is you are asking and to feel more empathic towards you, increasing the likelihood they’ll say yes. I’ve learned that adding some phrases or sentences that let’s them off the hook generally gets me a yes, every time. Some of these are:

“I need some help with something but feel free to say no.”

“I know how busy you are, so please don’t feel like you have to.”

“I completely understand if the time is bad, but could I ask you to … ?”

When I present a request using these kinds of statements, even if the person can’t help me right then, they’ll usually find a time when they can, or at a minimum they’ll try to help me problem solve, sometimes coming up with an option I hadn’t thought of.

This also helped me feel less self-conscious when asking for a favor and even if I get turned down, I don’t feel resentful. I realize that everyone likes to feel generous, to feel helpful, to feel like they make a difference. But I also realize that people would rather be helpful when they feel personally compelled and as if it is their choice rather than an obligation.

People want to feel like they were the ones who decided to help you out. When you give then a sincere version of “but you are free,” you let them make the decision. The easier you make it for them to say no the more likely it is that they will say yes and the better they will feel about doing so. It will also make you feel better about asking. This makes it a win-win situation for everyone.

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