Harry and Meghan. Working The Room.
Hello there
You’ve just caught me right. I’m just off out. I’ve been invited to an event, that according to the invite….
1st Person: Invitation.
Me: We’re a bit of a peasant aren’t we mate.
1st Person: It’s ‘pedant.’
Me: That’s an unusual name.
Anyway, the card says, “You are cordially invited to attend an event where people think Harry and Meghan are really fucking awful, or think that Harry and Meghan are really fucking awesome.”
So, who are Harry and Meghan?
If you’re British….
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex.
If you’re American….
“Harry & Meghan is an upcoming American documentary series set for streaming on Netflix, and starring Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.” — Wikipedia
Now then, where did I put that bow tie? Oh, that’s right. I don’t have one.
[later]
Security: Invitation sir.
Me: You as well? There you go. So what’s the deal?
Security: Well you’ll find on that side of the room people hate Harry and Meghan. On that side of the room people love Harry and Meghan. Feel free to mix and mingle. If you have any ques….
Me [walking away]: Ooo! Free buffet.
[later]
Me: ….I’ve been listening to what you’ve been saying. All you seem to do is moan about Meghan. You call her a fame whore, not Harry though. Kinda sexist.
Man: I think you’re on the wrong side of the room.
[later]
Me: ….Fair play to Edward VIII. He abdicated the King job to marry Mrs Simpson.
Man: Marge Simpson?
Woman: No. So, who’s Edward VIII?
Me: Wait, you’ve just been yapping about the Royals like you’re all experts but you don’t know who Edward VIII was? He was King but he abdicated to marry a divorcee, Mrs Simpson. Royal rules then. No divorced women.
Woman: You see. It is an outdated institution. It needs to be scrapped. The treatment Harry and Meghan received is a reason to accelerate change.
Me: Maybe, but I don’t see Harry and Meghan abdicating their titles. Coincidentally Edward VIII was supposedly a Nazi sympathiser, but maybe he just liked wearing Nazi uniforms like what Harry did.
Man: Try going over there. I think they’d like you’re ramblings.
[later]
Me: ….You’re praising the Queen and Kate for their service and contrasting that with Meghan, again, who you say has done fuck all. You look like a feminist….
Woman: Look like a feminist?
Me: ….Yeah. Anyway, you know men wrote these ‘service’ rules don’t you?
Woman: I think you belong over there.
[later]
Me: ….You’ve got a problem with colonialism. Hay, so have I.
Woman: That’s rather generous of you.
Me: Thing is Harry and Meghan have both benefitted from plundered wealth, but you don’t mention that when praising either of them.
Woman: Over there are perhaps more your people.
[later]
Me: ….You complain about their jet set lifestyle yeah. About how they’re hypocrites yeah. They’re not gonna take the tram are they? If you could bottle the Twitter hatred towards Meghan…
Man: So freedom of speech translates as physical threat?
Me: You’ve never been a woman have you?
Man [mocking]: “You’ve never been a woman have you?”
Me: You know what. I’ll go over there.
[later]
Woman: ….The Royal Family is obviously racist.
Me: Eh, did you know that Queen Charlotte the wife of George III was Black?
Woman: So the Royal Family can’t be racist then? Harry and Meghan are lying?
Me: No. I’m just saying that Queen Charlotte the wife of George III was Black. Mind you, when I see some pictures of Princess Margaret, I can definitely see some heritage….
Woman: If you’re not going to take this discussion seriously maybe you should go over there.
[later]
Me: ….There you go again, complaining about the hereditary system.
Woman: The Royal Family is toxic. Harry and Meghan have highlighted this fact.
Me: They’re still keeping the titles though innit. ‘Prince Harry.’ ‘The Duke and Duchess of Sussex.’ I mean what the fuck is a ‘Sussex’?
Woman: That’s a very simplistic view….
Me: Meghan (yeah I know, her again) even moaned to Oprah about son Archie not being a Prince. What’s that about?
Woman: Perhaps your opinions belong elsewhere?
[later]
Me: ….So, you’re moaning about how they’re attention seekers. Maybe you should stop giving them attention and just ignore them? You’ve been yapping about them non-stop. You’re obsessed.
Woman: I don’t think you understand the complexities of our discussion.
Me: Complexities? He just called Prince Harry a c***.
Woman: If you can’t respect our opinions maybe over there might be more welcoming.
[later]
Me: ….Having listened to you lot, it’s pretty obvious the Royals weren’t on your radar. Then suddenly a Black actress, you’ve never heard of, has a fairy tale Royal wedding and you’re all suddenly fans of the Royals. “Ooo, look how the Royals have modernised.” Then it all unfortunately goes to shit and then the consensus is the Royal Family is fucking shit purely based on how Meghan was treated. Do any of you know about how Fergie….
Woman: Fer…?
Me: No. Not the Black Eyed Peas. Do any of you know how the press vilified Sara Ferguson? Do you know how Kate was hounded by the press and ended up having topless photos published of her?
Woman: Meghan’s had it worst!
Me: Is it a competition?
Man: Yes.
Me: Fair enough. I’ll just go over…. Actually, just to check, you lot love Harry and Meghan right?
Man: Maybe ‘love’ is a strong word.
Me: I’ll leave anyways.
[later]
Me: ….Since when does wealth mean you can’t suffer racism?
Man: Over there please.
[later]
Woman: Harry is a staunch anti Racist.
Me: Is that because he married a Black woman, or because he once described an Asian member of his platoon as “our little Paki friend?”
Woman: That’s deeply offensive.
Me: I’m only quoting him.
Man: We don’t want your sort here.
Me: You know I’m Black right? You know you’re all White right?
Woman: Please show the group some respect.
Me [moving away from the group]: You show some respect! And no, I’m not drunk [falls over].
[later]
Me: All of you! Don’t you think in the grander scheme of things none of this actually matters?
Security: And yet you turned up. I think you need to leave.
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