Growing Old: Are Our Parents Expecting Too Much From Us?

The table turned to reality.

Is it entitlement, payback time, or the right thing to do?

It's time we address the elephant in the room.

Our aging parents' expectations of their adult children —the ones they share with everyone other than their children.

Could this be an opportune time to ask for an end to the family feud often seen among siblings on issues relating to their aging parents? It's time to stop watching others and do what you feel in your heart is right. And to the odd one who doesn't care a damn. It's time you recognize the person who brought you into this world.

Mom and dad shouldn't have to feel the brunt of their selfish children's actions.

My worst fear of old age is feeling like I've become a burden to my son. I don't dwell on the things I cannot control; I rather live in the moment.

But I can't stop the thoughts that surface whenever I witness a real-life situation of parental neglect.

Meet my aunt, Mavis, whom I recently visited.

Aunt Mavis, not too long ago, celebrated her 85th birthday. My visits with her are ones I always savor. Listening to her life experiences and stories taught me a lot about life.

It was a delight to see her after a long while.

On arrival, Aunt Mavis greeted me at the door with her usual sweet, welcoming embrace. She was delighted to see me. But I couldn't help noticing how things had changed — Aunt Mavis looked frail. Her warm smile and demeanor soon disappeared when we sat down and started talking.

Aunt Mavis wasn't telling me her yesteryear stories this trip. Instead, she related what's been happening with her lately.

“I miss doing simple things for myself. I’m no longer able to bake your favorite sweet potato pudding. I’m not coping well since my knee surgery”. She contined. “Having someone visit makes my day. These days, I’m stuck at home watching TV and only go out for my doctors appointments”

I listened to aunt Mavis's complaints for a full hour. But, what stood out was this statement and rhetorical question.

“My children have disappointed me — all five of them. Where are they, when I need them”?

What if I live as long as Aunt Mavis? Am I prepared for this reality?

So I challenged aunt Mavis to share some of her expectations of her children.

Whew! and did aunt Mavis have a long list?

You be the judge if Aunt Mavis is unreasonable in her expectations.

I wish my children would visit and check on me more often — a telephone call once a day, maybe; I don't think I'm asking for too much.

Inviting me over occasionally to their home would be nice too.

A meal cooked with their hands would make me feel special.

Spending a little of their time just sitting and talking with me without making me feel like they're always in a hurry or I’m imposing on their time.

Acknowledging my needs and showing sympathy when I speak of my physical pain and challenges shows they care.

I am not asking them for money. I can adequately provide for myself.

But now more than ever I’m convinced all my children care about is what they will inherit on my departure.

I feel like I’ve become a burden.

In my previous article, "I only want to live till the age of 75." you'll understand why I fear living to be old. Like Aunt Mavis, I never want to become a burden to anyone.

Albeit, we have no control over how long we'll live. Neither do I have intentions of prematurely ending my life.

I'll have no choice but to face the music of reality if longevity favors me. The older we get, the more dependent we become.

Aging can be daunting, no matter how much money we have in the bank or how much we have prepared for retirement.

The psychological toll is something we never fully prepare for.

Does aunt Mavis's sons — Josh, Matthew, James, and daughters Simone and Marion even know their mother's expectations of them?

They wouldn't hear it from me, as aunt Mavis has sworn me to secrecy.

“These are matters of conscience that no one needs to tell them”. She said.

Most parents spend the best years of their lives sacrificing for their children.

There are undoubtedly exceptional or less impressive cases where parent/ child relationships have been strained. But, either way, should our parents be deprived of the care they need when they become old?

Aging takes a toll on everyone involved.

There are always the wrong people who will cause you to feel like you have become a burden by being old. When it's your children, it is even more challenging to process.

What are your thoughts on being there for your aging parents?

Are aunt Mavis's expectations of her adult children unreasonable?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

I am sharing two of my favorite reads this week. They're both from

Michele Maize's (The Sober Vegan Yogi) Michele relates her story of working as a caregiver. I lift my hats off to Michele's caring and generous spirit towards the aged.

"How I am preparing to leave one of my favorite people," Michele wrote about her impressive relationship with her daughter. Her story reminds me as a parent of the importance of building solid relationships with our children.