Grieving the death of a partner or spouse

Death is a natural part of life, but that doesn’t make the loss any easier. Grieving is a process which we should allow to take its course.

by: E.B. Johnson

Life is not an easy road, nor is it a straightforward one. Although we plan our relationships carefully, things go wrong and the unexpected rocks our foundations. One of the most tragic disasters we can experience is the death of a partner or spouse, and when it happens it completely uproots our sense of self, happiness, and future-directed optimism.

Grieving for a partner who has passed on is one of the most difficult experiences we can ever undergo. It changes us — and the course of our lives — in powerful ways, forever redirecting the dreams, ambitions, and aims that we have. We see the world differently when our loved one is taken from us so soon. Recovering is a road that is long and hard, and one which requires us to dig deep within our reserve of courage, resilience, and acceptance.

Death is a part of the process.

When we fall in love with someone, we don’t think about the end. Although death waits everywhere around us, we pretend it doesn’t exist and we pretend we will never meet our ends. Reality is different, though. At some point, we can find ourselves faced with the impossible…the death of the person we love most in the world. Whether this happens unexpectedly or at the end of a long and happy life, the results are the same. The loss of a partner devastates us and completely uproots our mental health and our way of life.

Death is a part of the process, but it’s one that we are never prepared for. To lose a partner is to experience a number of other losses as well. Not only do you lose your joy, but you can find yourself in financial ruin and a state of physical catastrophe. Family problems can arise, and you can even find yourself dealing with a total loss of identity.

This loss is no easy matter, and there’s no one single way to come back from it. Recovering and healing from the death of a partner or spouse is different for everyone, but all journeys require that we touch base with a new and heightened form of acceptance, compassion, and peace. You may never get your partner back, but you can find your joy again. It will just look different from what you expected, and a little less shiny than before. Life can still be beautiful if you commit to finding yourself.

The devastating consequences of such a major loss.

Losing a partner isn’t as simple as losing someone in your life. There are a number of other devastating losses that come as a result of such an ending. We don’t only grieve for our partners; we grieve what could have been and all the plans we’ve made. Getting ourselves back to happiness requires that we face the pain we’re feeling bravely and with understanding.

Increased health problems

Believe it or not, grief isn’t just an experience of the mind — it’s an experience of the body too. When we are as broken as we are by the death of a spouse, we can find that our body responds in like. You may experience extreme aches and pains, or find that you struggle to eat, drink, or even sleep. This exhaustion takes its toll and kicks off a snowball effect which can permeate right into our hearts and brains.

Financial catastrophe

The death of a partner isn’t just a physical loss, it can be a material one too. It’s not uncommon for the surviving partner to experience financial catastrophe after the death of a partner. This is especially true when no prior planning is made, or one of the partners is taken early and unexpectedly. It’s important to keep our finances in order, and that we are always prepared to support ourselves independently should the worst come to pass.

Loss of identity

Losing our partner or spouse isn’t just a loss of a companion. Although we don’t like to acknowledge it, it’s also a death of self. You are never the same person again after the death of a loved one. It changes your mental and emotional landscape in ways which are hard to describe. The way you see yourself changes. The way you see your friendships and even your other family bonds changes too. It’s a loss of identity, and one which can uproot us in dramatic ways.

Reversal of dreams

There’s no sugar-coating the harder facts about spouse loss. No matter how prepared you might be, their loss is a complete loss of your dreams and plans. While we can claw back some semblance of this happiness, we were planning for ourselves, it can never be completely the same again. That’s because it no longer contains one of the key ingredients on which the whole plan hinged. You have to start over and reshape your idea of happiness without them.

Heightened family stress

If you are someone with a young family, or children close by, then the loss of your partner can increase your family stress exponentially. They say “it takes a village” to raise a child, and that’s true. Our partners are major pillars of support in the family-building journey, and without them we can find ourselves struggling to meet all the day-to-day responsibilities; let alone finding the time to heal.

Social isolation

Pain changes who we are from the inside out, and grief is the fuel that feeds this pain. As we struggle to come to terms with our loss, we can find that we feel compelled to pull away from others. Maybe we don’t want to them to see us so weak. Or perhaps we no longer look at the bonds we share with them the same way. Little-by-little, we become socially isolated and shut off from the world, which does nothing to help our mental or emotional state.

Mental health ruin

The most common consequence of the loss of a partner is complete mental health disaster. Current mental health conditions or diagnoses can be aggravated by the explosive change to circumstances. New mental health issues can arise. It’s not uncommon to find ourselves dealing with intense feelings of hopelessness and even the desire to die ourselves. All of these are things which are better addressed with a mental health professional who can help us make sense of them all.

How to process and heal after the death of a partner or spouse.

Although you are in the greatest pain of your life, you have to find the power to pick up the pieces and keep going. Your family needs you. You need yourself. You have to get happy and healthy again so that you can continue fighting for the dream that you and your partner worked so hard to build.

1. Understand your recovery timeline

It’s important that you understand your recovery timeline before you commit to any drastic action or change in the wake of such a loss. Everyone heals differently through their grief, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to getting yourself mentally and physically fit again. Before you can get started on your journey, though, you need to accept this and you need to constantly question where you’re at and how you process things.

There is no one who can hand you a blueprint for completely healing your pain. The first year without your partner is going to be unimaginable. The only thing you can do is hold on tight and find the distractions and moments of fleeting joy where you can. After the first year, others may expect you to start feeling better, or “getting out there. Don’t rush your timeline.

The second year can feel harder than the first. Somehow, there’s more finality to it and the understanding that they are really physically gone. Your brain stops looking for them to come through the door and starts accepting reality. For some, branching out and experiencing life is the way they distract themselves. For others, it’s a solemn year marked with remembrances and quiet reflection. However you process (and however long it takes) your responsibility is to self first and foremost.

2. Invest in professional help

The loss of an intimately close loved one is akin to a death of self. The emotions are so strong that you can physically feel them in your body and your mind. You struggle to eat or drink; you struggle to think clearly and with logic. Sometimes, there’s no overcoming this on your own. The pain is too great. When that’s the case, it’s our responsibility to reach out for help and find someone who can help us work through the chaos.

Don’t sweep things under the rug and try not to isolate yourselves in grief. Find someone who can help you process. If you have children get bereavement help for them and any other family members impacted. By reaching out and helping one another through this process, you can find comfort and understanding that is greatly beneficial in your own healing.

Professional grief counseling has become more accessible than ever before. You can find support online (or in person) and you can find someone who meets your needs on practically any budget. There are even community bereavement counselors who commit to their work pro-bono. Options have never been as plentiful, so invest in yourself and your loved ones by finding someone who can hold your hand through this painful process.

3. Make self-care a top priority

There can be no doubting the power of self-care in dire and fruitless straights. Suffering and disintegrating won’t bring your loved one back to you. The only thing you can do is hold yourself, love yourself, and allow the broken pieces of yourself to rebuild through nurturing. This is where self-care comes in. When we engage in real and worthwhile self-care, we can touch and transform ourselves in ways we never thought possible.

Be a little selfish for once. Look after your physical and emotional body, and put yourself first for a little while. Eat well, be kind, and show your body some nurturing. True self-care isn’t just massages and big nights out. It’s also educating yourself about your mental state and actively seeking to heal and comfort that broken person that lives inside you now.

Create a self-care routine that you can fall easily into without stressing yourself out. You need to take this time out completely on your own, and you need to spend it (whatever you may be doing) being present in your body and your thoughts. Bubble bath and chill, sure, but also write, paint, read, draw, sew, hike, walk your dog. There are a million and one ways in which you can nurture yourself right now. Try as many of them as you can. See what sticks.

4. Create proper remembrances

As humans, we have incredible memories, and our emotions are impacted by these memories in powerful ways. No matter where you go, who you end up with, or how far you may travel — your partner or spouse will never be far from your thoughts. You will always remember them, so one great way to handle this new painful state is by creating proper remembrances which help you to release the pain.

We find great comfort in ritual, and that doesn’t stop with the death of a loved one. Find a way to celebrate your memory of them, even while you let them go. Mark their loss and the many ways in which they touched your life. Be creative. Light a candle for them on their birthday. Buy yourself a bouquet of beautiful flowers on your wedding anniversary.

These remembrances are most effective in the first years as we get used to the strange new absence that marks our life. As time goes on, you may find that you no longer feel the urge to go as big or beyond as you did before. Little-by-little, you will find the courage to face these new holidays, birthdays, and family vacations. New reality will sink in. Don’t allow the memories to cause pain. Make them an occasion of celebration.

5. Never stop making plans

Although a big piece of us dies with the death of a partner or spouse, we ourselves remain here in the active throes of life. Bills don’t stop coming and children don’t stop needing us because we’re emotionally gone. Life moves on and it drags us with it. You can either fight it and make things worse, or you can do what your loved one would have wanted and continue making plans for a happy future.

A change of plans is not a cancellation. One person has left the table. The meal hasn’t ended. You have to keep going for yourself, and the best way to do this is by looking to the future. What bright light can you keep on in remembrance for your loved one? What dreams can you salvage and how can they inspire you to keep going?

Never stop making plans. Never stop aiming for the sky and never stop reaching for the happiness that still exists out there for you. You are miserable now; broken. You won’t be forever. One day you will wake up and the pain will be less than it was before. Then, another — maybe weeks or months later — the same thing will happen again. Inspire yourself. Find that passion that keeps pushing you and use it to fuel your healing strides.

Putting it all together…

The death of a partner or spouse is not something we plan for, but it is a pain that many of us experience. Whether we lose our spouse unexpectedly, or we lose them as the result of a long battle, the pain is the same. Rather than allowing ourselves to disappear into a pit of despair, we have to take charge of our destinies and find a way to tap into peace and happiness again.

Understand your recovery timeline. We all heal in different ways and at different rates. Embrace the authenticity of your journey and educate yourself on the ups and downs of grief. If you’re really struggling, reach out to a mental health professional who can give you the tools you need to process and heal. We can’t do it all on our own sometimes, and that’s okay. Make self-care a top priority. Nurture your physical and emotional body like you never have before. Fall in love with it and know it has the power to move you through this painful spot in life. Rather than running away from the memories, mark them with special celebrations which help you to process and let go. Whatever you do, never stop making plans. Thrive the way your loved one would have wanted you to — even if that differs from what you expected it to.