Gray divorce is on the rise and this is why
Divorce rates in over-50s are soaring. This is why so many are opting for seismic relationship shifts in their golden years.
by: E.B. Johnson
Has your decades-long relationship suddenly come to a screeching halt? What is known as “gray divorce” in couples over 50 is on the rise. Since 1990, these divorce rates have doubled. And now? Researchers expect the number of later-life divorces to triple by the year 2030. What has caused this dramatic rift in relationships that have withstood the pressure of collapsed economies and child raising? There are a lot of different reasons, and they all link back to new perceptions of self and the shifting expectations of a society in transformation.
Why late-stage divorce is on the rise.
We are a in a place of flux, both as people and as a society. Things are changing, and we are changing with them. That includes our relationships and the way we relate to one another. Our partnerships are breaking down. High atop that pile are the marriages of those who have been together for decades. Those who should ride into their golden years together are opting for divorces instead. Why? It all comes down to changes in self, changes in society, and changes in the way we perceive our need for happiness.
Increased need for happiness
It’s no secret that we are changing as a society and a species. There’s a higher value on personal happiness than there once was. On a greater plane, we understand that we have an individual right to happiness that’s defined by our own needs and wishes. People are waking up and realizing they aren’t living a life that makes them happy. And that’s a problem. No matter what stage of life they may find themselves in, people are taking brave action to get the lives they’ve always wanted for themselves. It comes at a cost, though.
Longer life expectancy
We are living longer than ever, and with that longer life expectancy comes more choices. Think about it. There are a lot of people who get themselves to a place of stability, only to find they have decades of smooth sailing ahead with someone who doesn’t fit their needs. Rather than settling for 30–40 more years of complications and upset, they opt for an investment in themselves or their dreams. Again, though, this comes at a cost and with a lot of upsets, not only to partners, but to adult children as well.
Shifting social standards
As society shifts, so do the standards that govern it. In some respects, we are becoming more open and more progressive. Gray divorce falls into that margin. It’s more acceptable to divorce and start over than it ever has been before. In part, this is tied to an increased need for personal autonomy and self-defined happiness. On some other planes, it’s tied to the partial advancements of gender equality in intimate relationships and marriage.
Lacking satisfaction or fulfillment
Like all other divorces, a lot of the later divorces we’re not seeing are centered on a lack of satisfaction and fulfillment. Wanting to be happy, partners go their separate ways (by hook or by crook) because they want to find someone that they truly connect with. It’s understandable. Whether you have a long time left on this planet, or a little time left on this planet, you want to spend it with people who understand you and support you in the ways which you value.
More individual autonomy
There is more individual autonomy now in our relationships than ever before. Partners are more equal and financially independent. In your standard heterosexual relationships, women are now free to work outside of the home and earn incomes that even exceed their partner’s. This gives them the power to choose their futures, include the futures they build for themselves in the over-50’s bracket. Women of every age are finding their power.
Natural shifts in connection
Our relationships change over time. That’s just the natural scheme of things. There are natural shifts that we just can’t change. We grow apart and then we come back together. But sometimes that “coming back together” doesn’t happen. In some instances, these shifts take us in very different directions, and the drifts are permanent. That’s the way life happens. The people we start off with are not always the people we finish the race with. And that’s okay (even though it can hurt a heck of a lot).
Feeling the effects of empty nest
Empty Nest Syndrome (or ENS) is an actual thing and it can send ripples and shock-waves through our relationships that are hard to overcome. Partners find themselves standing alone in a deserted wasteland, facing people they don’t know (and no longer understanding themselves either). When you and your partner are feeling the effects of an empty nest, it can cause disappointed expectations and confusing misunderstandings that push you apart.
Destruction of intimate trust
Oh, yes. Cheating in the golden years of a relationship is more common than you think. You can put in decades of commitment with someone, only to find out they were never really committed in the same way. It happens. In these instances, a gray divorce is often not long to follow. What’s not to understand? Putting that much faith in someone is a lot of energy. Discovering that they were willing to betray that is devastating across the board.
Pressure and collapse
Our relationships are not immune to stress, no matter how much you love someone. This is especially true of financial stress, mental and emotional stress, etc. Some of these situations are caused by circumstances beyond our control, but they can also be created by abusive partners, poor decisions, and ill-fitting relationships that have made it further than they should have. All of this stacks up to create a pressure and collapse that puts us on a path to a late-stage divorce.
How to handle an unexpected gray divorce.
Are you the victim of an unexpected gray divorce? Losing hold of your relationship when we are over the age of 50 is scary and uncertain. You’re entering a world you don’t quite understand anymore, but that’s okay. It can still be the right decision, and the best decision. Before you leap, make sure you have crystal clarity on what you want and then confront your realistic options and the trickiness of the situation at hand.
1. Get crystal clarity before you act (or react)
Has the moment come to face your divorce? Before you launch into action or respond to your partner’s heartbreaking desire, you need to get crystal clear on what’s going. You need to be up-close and personal with your emotions. When you’ve had some time to work through those, then you need to consider how you want to respond. From there, you can form a plan of action and avoid a lot of major pitfalls and emotional detonations.
Get crystal clear on what you’re doing before you act — or even react to your partner. There’s a lot of processing that needs to go into our journey through a gray divorce. Cradle yourself emotionally. Slowly, research and take your time. Make sure you’re looking at your relationship from all angles. Make sure you know what you want and what direction you plan on going in the aftermath.
This is an important strategy to employ when you’re confronting your partner and working through the myriad of emotions and complications that are inevitable. If you find yourselves in heated moments, or serious conversations, give yourselves time to process before you react. Walk away before things get too heated. Don’t take things to a petty place. Keep it civil by keeping it clear with yourself. Leave the situation in which it gets hot, take a deep breath, consider how you feel in this moment (and what may be a better way to feel). Come back to the table only when you can communicate yourself civilly and effectively.
2. Confront your realistic options
While it may be romantic to imagine yourself riding off into a Julia-Roberts-does-Tuscany sunset, that’s not the case for most who find themselves in unexpected divorces. At any stage, these are complicated uncoupling that bring up complicated emotions. This becomes even more true when you’ve spent decades together working as a team. As you move into this next phase of your life, you need to be honest about what that will look like and what the process of getting there will look like as well.
Once the decision is made, confront your realistic options. There’s no point in thinking what comes next is going to roll like a romantic comedy. It’s not. People are going to be really hurt by these decisions. Your financial situation may change. Certainly your living situation and even your friendships are going to change.
Be honest about what comes next. What are you going to do in terms of money? Saving and spending? How about your retirement? Do you have enough set aside to start over in a new home? Will that leave you with enough to look after yourself and any other loved ones you may be responsible for? There is a lot to consider, and you need to have several plans (and backup plans) ready before you take action. Confront your realistic options and address them for what they truly are. If you need to save, save. If you need to get a financial advisor — don’t hesitate.
3. Don’t avoid getting some serious help
If you weren’t the one who started the divorce, then odds are you are completely devastated by this recent change of life. You have a right to be. Even if you don’t have a right to stop your partner (or change their decisions) you have a right to be hurt by them. That hurt takes time to process, but it also takes know-how. You don’t have to do it alone. This is the stage in your journey where you need to reach out for help. You don’t have to suffer alone.
Don’t avoid getting some serious help. Not everyone is on the winning side of a gray divorce. And even when you are — it’s still one of the most challenging experiences you’ll ever go through. There are a lot of memories to be sorted through, and on top of that, you have decades of shared financial and material investments.
Get yourself a counselor, a therapist, a coach. Make sure you get legal help that is familiar with gray divorce and the intricacies that are involved. Enlist the helped of friends, family, and loved ones to get yourself setup for success. There’s no shame in reaching out and admitting that you need help. You do. This is a journey that is going to ask a lot from you mentally and emotionally. Even when you are the one starting the divorce, there’s a lot to be considered and a lot that has to be let go of. That’s a major obstacle. Treat it like one and give yourself the help you need to grieve and move on.
4. Give yourself a foundation to launch from
There’s a lot of material and financial preparation that also has to go into processing or managing a gray divorce. You can’t just step out into the wide open without some sense of how you will support yourself and move forward. Both you and your partner need to ensure that you both have the foundations that you need. This requires settling financials, separating material goods, and creating a mental and emotional cushion that will get you through.
Give yourself a solid foundation to move forward from. Get your financial affairs in order. Collect all your important documents, sort through the shared and precious possessions. Nurture your mental and emotional health. Ensure you have some sense of who you are (and stability) so that you can take on the heavy work that comes next.
This isn’t a part of the process that can be rushed. You must take your time getting your ducks in a row. As you work through your mental and emotional obstacles, ensure that you have the financial and material security you need to move forward on your own. This is also the point at which you should reach out to manage and maintain and subsequent relationships. For instance, your adult children may be struggling to make sense of this new reality. Use this time to work on these connections, and make honest conversation the center of this journey together.
5. Surround yourself with top-tier people
There’s no sugar coating it — coming back from a gray divorce is hard. It will emotionally rip you to shreds. It can change the relationships you have with your children and your friends. Now, more than ever, you need to surround yourself with a village of people who can lift you up and value you for who you are in this moment. This may be tricky, as you may start over in the social department. That can’t stop you. Get creative. Get out into the world. Find the people you need at this moment to help you heal.
Surround yourself with top-tier people, and those who you love best. Now is not the time for negativity, or for those who want to shame you and nay say you. This is a chance for you to heal, and you need to be surrounded by people who can help you facilitate that change, if not make room for it.
Don’t think that you have to completely sever ties with people who aren’t understanding of you at this moment. But do plan on putting them in a fresh box in your life. Some people deserve to be beside us during distinct moments in our lives. Friends and even family alike can serve reasons and seasons. Be honest about the season that you’re in and fill all that space up in your life accordingly. There is so much love out there for you. Learn to appreciate it in all its shades and invest in those who want the best for you.
Putting it all together…
Divorce is on a steep incline in the over-50 bracket. More people than ever are choosing to go their separate ways in their golden years, and there are a lot of reasons for that. Outside of the societal shifts in expectations and standards, we are learning (more and more) the power of being happy on our own terms. Rather than settling for partnerships that don’t give us what we need, we’re forging paths of our own. But that comes with complications of its own and can be a lot to process.
Before you leap in any direction, make sure you take some time getting crystal clear about your needs. Care for yourself. Don’t rush. Take the time you need to figure things out on your own terms. Confront the realistic options that you have in front of you. Pursue those paths to self-actualization that you know will be most effective for you. You can rebuild at any age. You can find love and surround yourself with love. Get help and invest in someone who can show you the light again. When you’re feeling more stable, focus on building a firm foundation for this new life that you have. The climb back to stability won’t be easy. Surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you, so you can remember that you still have so much left to give.
