EKPHRASTIC EXPRESSION
Granny Wanted by Cybercriminals and Detective Spade
Grandma Connie stalked by hackers and police
Coming soon to a theater near you.
The man in black came out of nowhere.
“Put your hands up and hand over all your data!”
“If I put my hands up I’ll have to drop the cane. Then I’ll fall and break my hip. Shame on you for threatening an old woman.”
The gunman wasn’t expecting to be scolded.
“Give me your phone!”
“Sure Cagney, hold out your hand.” Connie’s sarcasm reeked.
A fleeting image of Brother Cabbage reading a Woman Dies of Flippant Remark headline made her wince.
He’d never get over his smugness, she thought.
Police sirens pierced the confusion and the robber ran.
Detective Sam Spade noticed she tripped on her name.
“It’s Connie Conti — Connie. Just Connie. What’s yours?”
“You cracked a Chinese cybercrime syndicate and they sent a gunman?”
His bad coffee breath tempted Connie to lodge a complaint for inhumane interrogation tactics.
“My YouTube news feed was contaminated by a delinquent. He manipulated Alphabet’s AI recommender algorithm so real news with fake headlines appeared at the top. It peeved me.”
Connie pulled a huge phone/tablet from her purse and displayed an array of video screenshots.
Headlines included —
- “Hunter Biden Looses Mind On your Ashtray!”
- “Joe Biden Sells Maine to China For $83 Million!”
- “Donald Trump Won Election with Gerbil Votes!”
“See? The twit couldn’t even bother putting them in proper title case!”
Connie recoiled as Detective Spade blew sour coffee breath.
“What’d you do?” he asked, ready to call for a psych consult.
“Naturally, I tracked his profiles — iTroll69 and BadassHacker. I mean, you’ve got to tip your hat to the clever ones, but this guy was a lazy amateur. And he’d tricked me into watching a 3-minute segment on the Fed’s manipulation of interest rates!”
Will the ceremony where I receive the keys to the city be televised? she wondered.
Connie explained she’d contacted Google and the NSA but wasn’t satisfied with their lack of interest.
“So, I got his phone number and pretended to be Interpol. He was live-streaming a party with his gang in China. They broke all the laws — smoking, drinking Heineken, and laughing at kids in Uganda dancing with signs saying they were dumb. This is the 21st Century! Why weren’t they vaping? It’s much cheaper. And Heineken? That’s cultural appropriation!”
The detective stopped Connie mid-sentence as she launched into “Let me tell you about Chinese expansion, their manipulation of governments with infrastructure loans and social media exploitation of children…”
Detective Spade hit some keys on his computer and went to retrieve a printed photo lineup.
Connie laughed as she described BadAssHacker’s expression when she pretended to announce a raid on his home.
A photo caught her eye.
“Do you recognize the gunman?” the detective asked.
Connie shook her head, asking who they were.
“International cybercrime members known to be violent.”
“Never mind.” The old woman smiled graciously and hobbled to the door hoping she wouldn’t be recognized.
Sam looked at the photos.
The caption beneath a striking young woman’s photo read, “Connie ‘Conti Cracking’ Consulting.”
Sam turned to his computer. “System locked. Contact CCCC with $323,000 ransom in Bitcoin.”
Connie texted Cabbage.
“I couldn’t resist. But I’ll give him a discount if he agrees to switch to soda. Take down China.”
tee-hee. The YouTube manipulation was real. Connie Conti still tricks trickster trolls who trick her.
Which might explain —
Alter-ego Lizzie Lizard Brain is more creative and sometimes darker.