8 Simple Steps to Become a News Maker

A FLOWCHART GUIDE TO NATIONAL MEDIA PROMINENCE

After watching the social media sh*t storm swirling around Talia Jane, I wondered why a real news story like the Flint water crisis took almost two years and an unknowable amount of damage to the children of that city before it came to the attention of the country.

So I spent the last three years researching other national news makers, people with huge twitter followings and assorted cat videos to put together this detailed flowchart that explains how a story, your story, really any story, regardless of whether it’s true or not can make the national media!

Follow this flowchart carefully, and you’ll become a media mogul before you know it. Oh, and by the way, you’ll want to subscribe to my email newsletter for critical updates and bonus content here, my online webinar here, the seminar coming to your town soon here, and the series of books I’ve written here, here, here and here. I promise there will be no further commercial interruptions. (okay, I lied. Buy something here. Okay, I’m done.)

Part One:

Your Story — Is it true? Does it really matter?

As you can see, if you report sourced facts or complete bullish*t, you can jump directly to the next step in your quest to become a national media celebrity! Why would anyone do a reporter’s work and uncover new facts? Hell, the listicle business would implode. (here)

Sorry, a quick couple of notes on Flint Michigan. They chose to go with actual events reported by local media (NPR, MLive.com, and the Detroit Free Press). Their problem was they lacked three key ingredients that would attract a national audience: money, white skin, and being conservative in a state where the government is dominated by the GOP.

This excellent article chronicles the media’s coverage of this unnecessary tragedy. NPR/Michigan reported on April 25, 2014 of the decision to use Flint River water. Five months later, they reported about the several boil water advisories after tests showed potential problems with bacteria.

On October 14, 2014, General Motors shut off Flint River water at their engine plant over corrosion worries. If a company won’t use water because it could hurt metal parts, why on earth was the public left unprotected for another eighteen months?

Part Two

You’re young, white and rich, so use your social media clout to start the news process.

The Jackalator (jackal accelerator, not the other type of jack, you perverts) subroutine, also known as the right wing echo chamber has been an effective propaganda machine for decades. It is a perpetual bullish*t machine that screams for attention until someone with real world credibility reacts to the non-story. Only one more step until you make the big time!

Sorry again to interrupt your quest for national media dominance (here). But the Flint story shows the less efficient, and much slower route to getting national exposure. It doesn’t matter if some corrupt, short sighted partisan hack ruins people’s lives, just don’t lie about it. Everybody loves a coverup!

By January 7, 2015, the lies and the coverup had already started, with the mayor claiming that he and his family drink and use the water every day.

On January 14, the Detroit Free Press reported that Flint residents complained of skin problems due to the water.

By February, 2015, the Children’s Museum and Head Start programs stopped serving Flint water, because of the exceptionally high levels of chlorine by products.

On March 6, 2015, The Huffington Post published this article: “Reverend Compares Michigan City’s Drinking Water Issues To The Holocaust”

Almost five months had passed since the GM shut off, before a national news source started to follow the story.

Unbelievable.

If only “those people” in Flint had been luckier, they would have suffered some casualties — you know, babies are pretty fragile. Skin conditions, hair falling out, lead poisoning, and brain damage simply do not qualify as must see TV.

Part Three

You’ve made the big time! With just the right amount of righteous indignation over whatever first world burden has been imposed upon you, you are ready for prime time on Fox News.

Once your e-jackalated story (it emigrates from the jackalator to Fox News, of course. Get your head out of the gutter) makes the big time, the national media has to look at your story. Congratulations to Stefanie Williams for making the jump to Fox News shill in record breaking time! Like I always say, learn from the pros.

One other bonus for going the Fox route. If your story conforms well enough to Fox’s political agenda, you story will attain immortality as a “Zombie Lie,” regardless of how often the facts refute your quaint version of reality. Goodness, you might even get a recurring invitation as an expert in your field.

Sorry to be a pain (here), but one more note about Flint. On June 25, 2015, the ACLU got involved. Having a prestigious non-profit organization is a very good strategy if you want a true story to make the national news. Even better, make sure you get a good videographer and make a swell video like this:

With this cred, The Nation and The Atlantic do some serious reporting over the next two weeks. Now you’re making some real progress! (here)

By September, The Washington Times, The Republic and The Washington Post have reported on the lead crisis. Too bad the motherf*ckers in the governor’s mansion, state legislature and the Michigan Environmental Quality Agency are still in denial.

The good news is that engineering students from Virginia Tech start to investigate the problem and test the water since the state government refuses to do their job. Now they’re got science on their side (here). The national media has to cover this scandal, right? After all, AP, Think Progress, US news and World Report are all on the wagon right?

And lo, and behold, the major media comes to the rescue on September 25, when Al Jazeera America makes their first report.

Wait, what?

Yes, the soon to be disbanded, Middle Eastern funded TV channel strikes a blow for truth, justice and the American way!

Part Four

Your journey has come to an end — unless you insist on telling the truth, shining an unforgiving light on the media, their advertisers, partners, or politicians, having a story that’s unsuitable for E!, or mentioning non-white, non-male people. Some people never learn.

This is pretty obvious. You have crafted the right story and you’re on your way to appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America to rub elbows with fake news announcers/celebrities so you can talk about your tales of woe. Whoa! Even if the mainstream media rejects your story’s Fox bona fides, remember you still have the chance to come back from the dead as a Zombie Lie. Life is sweet and you earned everything you’ve got with that 1,500 word post that started on Medium. Right?

Well, you should stop right hear. The story’s over with your rise to stardom. Unless you’re going to be one of those lame whiners who wants the truth to come out.

Flint‘s water crisis proves that you’ve got to put out way too much time and energy to get the story national coverage if you’re going to insist on doing it the old fashioned way.

Another three months pass before Rachel Maddow started covering the story on December 15, 2015. And once she’s on your case, the hands of justice move swiftly.

Just ask Chris Christie about bridgegate. (here)

Unlike the national news media, Maddow covered the Michigan law that gave Governor-appointed Emergency Managers the power to remove the city government, cancel contracts, break the unions, and sell off municipal assets to rich campaign contributors back in 2012:

So four years have passed. The people of Flint have been screwed, blued and tattooed (it’s not what you think, you filthy animals) by the state of Michigan but justice will be swift. Just another month or two before the sh*t finally hits the fan. If that white mayor had been forced to drink the water back in January 2015, maybe they would have gotten the action they needed. It wouldn’t have mattered if he lost 20 or 30 IQ points. His actions showed he never used even that much brain power.

Part Five

You had to do it, didn’t you. Your naive belief in the free press. I don’t even know why I included this path (here).

This is way too much work. Journalists aren’t paid squat. Even the real ones, not posers like you. Your story needs partisan corruption, real suffering, incompetence, coverups, science (science!), and public outrage for the mainstream media to do its job.

Flint, Rachel Maddow really did tip the scales! (albeit two years later.) ON December 16, 2015 CBS News finally reports on the scandal.

Naturally, the coverup continued as an office containing the documents about the water crisis was broken into on December 28th and reported on January 11, 2016.

Meanwhile Fox News’ first story on “Flint Michigan water crisis” was dated January 13, 2016. Way to go, Fox, now focus all your attention on blaming the Michigan’s Dept of Environmental Quality, instead of the Governor the Emergency Manager and the perversion of the Constitution they called a law which set all this crap in motion. Good old Fox, the best free press money can buy (here).

So now you know the secrets to get your story on national news. What’s that you say? What happened to parts six through eight?

Well, this incredible life/career/writer/start-up/self-improvement hack listicle is so powerful, three of the steps were completely eliminated, just’s because your story is that awesome.

Thanks for reading this far. If you found value in this, you definitely need some professional help.

[UPDATE 5/28: Read this a seven-step guide to become an even better writer!]