Getting Your Mojo Back As A Couple

Make Sexy Time Great Again!

Let’s be honest with each other, we’re all friends here…

Sometimes when you’ve been married or in a relationship for a long time, even if it’s totally amazing and you’re incredibly happy, your sex life can go a bit off the rails.

Look, it happens to the best of us and there’s nothing to be ashamed about.

The key is working with your spouse or partner to get your groove back.

After nearly 25 years of marriage, I have gotten accustomed to the occasional dry spell and when we went through a patch back in August, we created Sextember to encourage us to get past it.

So while I gave some initial advice to get past it, one of the questions that I kept getting asked was, “Is there something more adventurous that we can do to help get our sexy time back on track?”

Challenge accepted.

Here are some ideas to help you put the “sex” back into your sexy time.

1) Enforce Some Abstinence

You’re probably sitting there thinking, “What’s this guy talking about? I’m not having sex so he wants to jumpstart my sex life by not having sex?”

Yes, guy.

Put a blanket rule in place with your partner — no sex for a period of time.

Maybe that’s a few days, maybe a week… Maybe even two. I don’t know how you could make that two weeks work, but better you than me.

And we’re not talking about just eliminating penetrative sex, I’m talking all sex stuff.

No masturbating, no pleasuring your partner, and maybe even refrain from any kind of contact that might be sexual in nature.

Go cold turkey.

Of course, you need to agree this with your partner beforehand otherwise that might be a bit cruel and awkward.

But absence does make the heart grow fonder.

My wife and I did this a couple of years ago — we agreed to a whole week (I know, we’re such martyrs) without any kind of sexual contact.

By about day five or six, we were both crawling the walls. We were like two horny teenagers circling each other.

When day seven rolled around, it was on like Donkey Kong. We pretty much spent that entire day in bed and part of the next day as well.

We knew this would work because I travel a fair bit for work and after a week or so away, by the time I get home, I walk in the door, and my wife is looking at me like I’m a medium-rare wagyu steak smothered in a red wine jus.

So if you want to build up some fire and passion, just agree to not touch each other sexually for a little while.

2) Edging

Ok, this one is a bit related to the first one.

If you’re not familiar with edging, let me introduce you to this darn fangled interwebz invention called “The Google”.

I’m kidding… Not really, but…

Edging is the process where you or your partner take each other right to the very precipice of having an orgasm… and then you back off.

The idea behind this one is that you agree with each other that for say a few days or even a week, you’re going to spend time EVERY DAY with each other, getting your partner right to the point of climax, but then stopping.

You might even be brave and do it two or three times each in a single session.

The key, of course, is communication — you have to be able to verbalize with your partner how close you are and have the self-control to tell them to break off their attack.

By the end of the agreed time, you both will be absolutely ready to do unspeakable acts to each other.

How do I know?

We did this last year for a bit of fun — for four days, morning and night, we would each take a turn getting each other moments away from having an orgasm and then the receiver would use the stop word, which in our case was, “pickles”.

Our intention was to do it for a week, but on the morning of day five, it simply was inconceivable that we’d make it through the week

For the next few days, it was like our loins were on fire and the other partner’s parts were the water to put it out.

3) Introduce Some Sex Toys

We love sex toys in our house — seriously, it’s like a veritable sex shop in our bedroom, almost every drawer has something designed to get one or both of us off buried inside it.

When our son was small and would wander around the house, we had to get baby locks for our bedside tables after he came strolling out of our bedroom with a giant purple dong to show my wife’s mother.

But the funny thing is, even with the vast array of toys we have at our disposal, a lot of them get a bit boring and we don’t really use them anymore.

A few years back, I bought my wife a Hitachi Magic Wand and after one or two uses, she sold it on eBay (she found it too extreme) when I was away on a trip — I don’t know who buys used sex toys on eBay, but apparently people do.

Having said that, we’re always on the lookout for new toys and stuff that we can buy and play with. Sometimes we’ll order things online that we know aren’t going to add anything to our sex life because one of us thinks that a particular toy is funny.

My wife once bought me one of those fleshlights where the point of entry looks like a vagina and she made me use it while she watched. She went all out and bought a special “warmer” for it and everything to make it feel more real.

When things get a bit stale or we hit a dry patch, I’ll often start scouring the internet for interesting new toys to buy.

For example, the next time there’s a dry spell at my house, I’m going to a sex shop and buying a Lelo Sona or a Womanizer because we don’t have a clitoral stimulator and I’m keen to see how they work.

It doesn’t matter what toy you introduce, you and your partner’s natural curiosity will take over to see how it works which will lead to more time having playful sex!

4) Role Play

Speaking of being playful sexually, a bit of role-playing is always good fun.

When you hit the dry spell or you’re having a bit of a lull in your relationship when it comes to sex, nothing can spice it up like pretending to be other people or experimenting with different scenarios.

This really works because of one simple principle — it requires you to communicate openly about sex and explore each other’s fantasies.

Like anything, when you think about sex as a couple and talk about it together in a fun and explorative way, it naturally gets the old juices flowing.

We’ve done a couple of these kinds of things over the years — she wanted me to “buy” her for the evening, she wanted to “work” for me and have to do sexual favors as part of her job, and another time I wanted to pick her up at a bar and take her back to my car…

Whatever you choose to do, the key is to get into it. You have to make it a bit of a production and put some effort into the setup and in playing your role.

The time we played around where she was a hooker, she got a special cell phone number, she placed an ad on Backpage (the ad had the word “pickles” in it so I’d spot it), I rented a hotel room where she came to visit me, I paid her in cash, she did a physical inspection, she dressed up for the part, etc…

That was her role-playing fantasy and while I was more than happy to play along, she totally went after it and even to this day, we still reminisce about that time and almost always end up having pretty hot sex just talking about it.

5) Sex Tokens and Passes

Ok, the genesis of this one is a bit weird, but it’s a SPECTACULAR technique and it really works for us and other people we’ve told it to that have adopted it.

A few years ago, my wife was struggling to figure out what to buy me for Christmas and her mother suggested that she give me a “sex token”.

She told my wife that her and my wife’s father would exchange “sex tokens” once a year at Christmas as special adult gifts.

The token could be used once during the following year and when presented, the receiver was obligated to provide the bearer with sex.

Now, before people lose their minds about consent and a whole bunch of whatever else, we’re talking about married adults here having a cheeky little sex game that they play with each other.

My wife took this idea from her mother and then adapted it by creating “sex passes” for me as a gift that year — there were three “anything goes” passes, a “blow job” pass, an “anal” pass, and a “quickie” pass.

When I presented her one of these passes over the next year, she would redeem them at full face value.

The next year we extended it and gave each other a set of passes — I remember one week she used her “oral” passes and two “anything goes” passes (to get oral specifically) because she was in “a mood”.

We exchanged these passes with each other for a number of years, but then a few years ago, for whatever reason, we stopped. This year for Valentine’s Day, I woke up to an envelope with six “passes” in it.

I’m greedy and used them up before July.

This is a fun thing to do, but of course, as I mentioned, you have to use them in the right spirit with each other.

Keeping Things Light

The most important lesson I’ve learned over the years when our sex life is maybe in the doldrums a bit is that you need to maintain a positive outlook and try to get back to just having fun with each other.

The best thing about being married to someone for a long period of time is that ideally, you shouldn’t have to posture and pretend with them. You can let your guard down and just be a bit silly or weird.

Taking that approach to sex is a great way to reconnect during the lulls.

But the most important thing to take away from this is that communication is a massive part of a healthy sex life.

Every time we go through a few weeks where sex isn’t happening or we’re not firing on all cylinders in the bedroom with each other, we can almost always attribute it to not talking enough about what’s going on.

The moment we broach the subject with each other, we end up acknowledging the problem, and that puts us into problem-solving mode.

And that’s the approach — sex in a marriage is a team sport, you have it together, so you have to work on it together.

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