Dealing With A Marital Sex Dry Spell

How to cope in those moments when you and your spouse just aren’t in sync sexually

Having been married for nearly 25 years, it may come as no surprise to anyone that my lovely wife and I sometimes go through patches where one, or both of us, aren’t having as much sex as we’d like.

Life is pretty hectic at times and after being married for decades, it’s not uncommon for couples to take each other for granted. When this happens, you stop making time for your partner and the intimacy in your relationship falls off a cliff.

Right now, for a couple of reasons, my spouse and I are going through a bit of dry spell — I’ve been travelling a bit for work, she’s had the flu, we’ve had a couple of poorly timed arguments, and basically, it seems like the world is conspiring to prevent us from “enjoying each other’s company”.

As I thought more about it, I realized that those things are all just excuses that people end up making for not being attentive enough of what’s going on in that part of their relationship.

Take Responsibility For Ending The Sexual Dry Spell

What you really want to avoid is letting a lack of sex become an unspoken topic of frustration within the context of your relationship. That’s the kind of thing that can eventually create resentment that will just further exacerbate the problem.

You need to take control and follow a few productive steps to get things back on track in the bedroom department with your partner.

Here are some of the things that I always do when this issue crops up:

1) Create more time for your spouse

Most sex droughts stem from the fact that in our modern world, we get easily distracted and don’t spend enough time being present with our significant others. We’re watching Netflix, getting lost on social media, doing too much work, and simply prioritizing everything else above our spouse.

The answer here is pretty easy, make sure that you find a way to spend quality time with that special person. Turn off the TV, close your laptop, put your phone in the other room, and just spend time talking to them.

Ask them how their day went. Rub their feet. Smile at them.

Make them the center of your attention and let them know that they’re important to you.

2) Have an open conversation about the lack of sex

Having conversations about sex can be hard, even with your spouse. There are plenty of couples who either find it embarrassing or uncomfortable to discuss their sexual desires and interests and so they deprioritize sex in their relationship as a way of avoiding talking about it.

The simplest way to get past a lean patch of sex in your marriage is to just bring it up with your partner. Let them know that you’ve noticed that, as a couple, you’re not having as much sex as maybe you’re accustomed to and that you’d like.

The key here is to be non-judgemental and don’t make it “their problem”.

You need to position it as something along the lines of, “I just realized that we’ve not made love in a while and I’d like to make sure that we spend some intimate time together.”

3) Don’t be afraid to initiate sex

I know in my marriage sometimes, if there’s a lack of sex over the course of week or two, it almost always comes down to us being busy and distracted with life.

The best way to solve this problem is to simply try and initiate sex.

Do something your partner finds erotic, give them a sensual massage or simply pull out your “go-to” move that signals to your partner, “Hey, I’m looking to have a bit of sexy time here!”

The problem for most couples is that when you’ve not had sex in a while, you start to get lost inside your own head, you worry that something more serious might be wrong, and then you fear being rejected if you do initiate, so you just don’t even bother to try.

That’s a surefire recipe to not have sex with your spouse, so take some initiative and make the first move!

4) Make a “date” to have sex

The bottom line is, you’re both adults, and hopefully, you both enjoy having sex with each other because it brings you closer together and it’s fun.

There are times where, despite all of your best intentions and efforts, life just keeps getting in the way and your sex life unintentionally takes a back seat.

One way around this, particularly if you and your spouse have strong communication about your sex life, is to just make a “date” to have sex.

“Hey, we’ve both been super busy, but later tonight, let’s go to bed an hour early, lock the bedroom door, and get re-acquainted with each other’s bodies. What do you say?”

It gives your partner the chance to say “no” but it also gives them the ability to say, “It’s a date” which is what you’re looking for.

Communication Is The Critical Component

Marriages and intimate relationships tend to live and die by the quality of their communication. If you and your partner don’t communicate well, then a lack of sex and intimacy are probably just symptoms of that bigger problem.

It’s human nature for people to have times where they’re not as interested in sex or perhaps your libidos have just temporarily fallen out of alignment, but the important thing is how you approach it.

If you lay in bed seething about how your partner isn’t paying enough attention to you rather than asking them how they’re feeling about your love life at the moment, then the problem is just going to get worse.

The best way to get things back on track is to talk about it, ensure your partner knows this is something that’s concerning you, and ask them to work with you to get things back to a place where you’re both comfortable.

You have to proactively manage your sex life in your relationship. It’s an important part of the special bond you have with your partner, so make sure that you give it the attention it deserves.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go downstairs to help my wife make dinner, kiss the back of her neck, tell her how beautiful she is and how much I desire her, and then I’ll proposition her with the idea of spending some “special adult alone time” with me later.