From Self-Harm to Self-Love: How My Self-Harming Part Returned To Her Innocence

A tale of overcoming darkness, finding love within, and guiding a wounded self back to the light.

“You have to tell him,” my friends urged with a firm sort of compassion.

They didn’t know what I knew about my dad — about the narcissism, alcoholism, and emotional incest — but now that my secret was out, I figured I might as well tell everyone. Even if he was the last person on earth I wanted to tell.

I did want to get better, after all. Maybe it will even be a good experience. Maybe he’s changed.

When I told my father about my self-harming habit, he got angry and defensive.

Instead of listening to me, he cut me off and told me stories about how when he was so emotionally numb as a kid that he stuck a knife in his leg just to feel something. (In addition to being high on the narcissist scale, my father is also a pathological liar).

He was the only one allowed to feel pain around here, and his pain had to be the biggest.

Then, in a tight-lipped voice of disapproval, he asked to see the marks I cut into myself. When I showed him, he laughed out loud.

“Those are only surface cuts,” he said. “Real cutters cut so deep they need stitches.”

The warm wash of shame flooded my senses. Was self-harm yet another thing I failed at?

“Besides,” he continued, “real cutters don’t tell anyone. Real cutters keep it to themselves at all costs. Just the fact that you’ve told people means you’re just another stupid teenager looking for attention.”

A salty stubbornness bloomed in me, and I was determined to show him just how deep I could go. A wise part of me knew I needed some serious help. Unfortunately, back then, the only way I knew how to ask for help was through cutting.

As soon as my dad left the house, I grabbed a kitchen knife and carved lines in my left thigh that connected to form the question “DEEP?”

As in, “Is this deep enough for you, Dad?”

I went over and over these lines, wiping the blood as I went.

Fifteen years later, I went back for her.

Fifteen years later, I find myself in a women’s circle in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, starting a meditation that is supposed to help heal core unworthiness wounds.

During the meditation, I found myself back in that room with the part of me that carved “DEEP?” into my thigh. I stared at my past self with heartbreak and compassion. She was so far from home, and she didn’t have anybody to help her find her way.

Over the span of the fifteen years between her and I, I had gone no-contact with my father and accomplished some significant healing. Despite all odds, I had found my way back home to the Love Inside Of Me.

I had become the woman she needed back then. I was now someone capable of loving her in the way she needed the most.

But mostly, I just wanted her to know that she doesn’t need to feel all of this alone anymore. I am here now. I have come back for her.

So I revealed myself to her…

I could tell she was relieved to have me there even if she didn’t want to show it. She knew who I was — she had seen me around my inner world over the years, loving other past selves in the ways they needed.

Now it was her turn.

I asked her what it was like to be her. What was she feeling? What did she need me to understand?

She said she felt hatred. Overcome with self-hatred.

Underneath that, she shared how lonely she feels. All alone. Nobody to see her. Nobody to care. She started crying.

We shared intimate emotions together, and eventually I asked her what she needed.

She wiped her tears and put on a tough face again, “I just need to clean up all this blood.”

I smiled, “No, sweetie. What do you really need? What does your heart need?”

Her chin quivered as she thought. “I guess…I guess I need a hug.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks as we stood up and embraced one another. Her sobs came harder.

Blood dripped down her leg from the fresh wound. I showed her my own thigh, the scars that still spelled “DEEP?” and the tattoo I covered them up with.

“Twinsies,” I said with a smile through our tears. She laughed.

It was then that she realized she really wasn’t alone anymore. There is someone else who knows what it’s like to be her. Someone else who knows what it’s like to be lost in the same darkness. Someone else who bore her scars, too.

I brought her out of the past and into the present.

I showed her the apartment I’m staying at in Mexico. We went up to the rooftop together and she surveyed the landscape with a smile that said, “We’re really doing it, aren’t we? We’re living our dream.”

She took my head in her hands, smiling and grateful. She was telling me how happy she was with this present day life and as she spoke, I watched her get younger and younger, until she was just a little girl again.

A little girl who knows nothing about darkness, loneliness, or feelings of unworthiness. Whose thighs aren’t riddled with self-harm scars.

A little girl whose innocence has never been broken.

I held her in my arms, basking in this connection — in this redemption.

She no longer had to bear all that pain anymore, nor the scars that come from it. Because I am bearing those scars for her. Because I know how to carry them. Because I’ve already turned them into something beautiful.

Then, with a final sigh of contentment, she integrated into my body. A little girl come home at last.

I am proud of the woman I’ve become.

I truly have become the woman I needed as a younger woman. There is no greater feeling of redemption than that.

It’s been a rocky journey, to say the least, but now that I’m here, every second was so worth it.

What helped me in my healing journey the most is a modality called “Parts Work.” If you’re really struggling with overwhelming emotions, Parts Work can help because it is such an effective way to connect your emotional pain with the love inside of you — which is where true healing happens.

You can learn more about Parts Work in this article and on my website.

I don’t want anyone to have to navigate their overwhelming inner landscape alone and without the proper tools to actually transform their inner turmoil into lasting inner peace. That’s why I created Parts Work Academy.

It’s a self-paced online course, that walks you through your inner world step by step, and gives you all the tools you need to resolve your emotional overwhelm and confusing behavior at the root so you can be free to live the life you were born to live.

Parts Work Academy offers the support I needed when I was lost in my own overwhelming emotions and trauma responses. You can learn more about it right here.