Four Years Without A Cigarette.

Journey from one addiction to many new ones.

I started smoking at the age of 18. For the next 18 years, my love-hate relationship with cigarettes crossed all limits. It took a lot of soul-searching and hard work to finally call it a day in 2020.

Why Am I writing?

I am not writing this article to preach the adverse health effects of smoking. The Internet is full of information on this topic. The reasons to smoke are more dangerous than smoking. In 2019, I published an article on these reasons.

It’s been four years; it feels great not to smoke any more. In this article, I want to write about these four years. How has my understanding of addictions evolved over the years? How have I jumped from one addiction to another? What have I learned about my personality?

Addictions

Mark D. Griffiths, an English psychologist, is an expert on behavioral addiction. He thinks everyone is a victim of addiction in one form or another. Read about his research here. You might deal with one addiction with self-control, but it won’t always help you. If you have not decoded your personality, one addiction replaces another. I like to call self-control an illusion.

Our personalities are like an onion. You peel each layer to learn new things. Exploration is never-ending.

I used smoking to manage my fatigue and stress levels. Haven’t we heard off the phrase — Clever work is better than hard work? Its true but not for talentless people like me.

Inspite of limited intellectual and emotional capabilities, I have big dreams. There is a constant desperation to win for the right reasons. My unwavering resilience to be on the right side has always been the cause of fatigue and stress.

One addiction to another

To end smoking, I made life changes to handle stress and fatigue. It meant aiming for work-life balance. Keeping a tab on my desperation to solve problems became my priority. It had a direct effect on the fatigue. Over time, it helped me to cut smoking.

I was happy with my progress but celebrated too early. The focus shifted from my personality to the number of days without a cigarette. The desperation to be on the right side was creeping back in. Appreciation from my friends and colleagues massaged my ego. It took my self-esteem to another level.

In short, I was returning to the old routine of working hard for everything in life. There were bouts of Workaholism as well. The aspirations to stay afloat in the rat race were not helping either.

Hence, I picked up other addictions. Cashews helped me end my love affair with cigarettes. Not sure how, but it used to give me the same kick. Nuts are healthy, but not if you eat 200–300 grams a day. As the habit of smoking disappeared, Cashews’s addiction was creeping in.

I was on a high after winning the war with cigarettes. Someone has said — E.G.O means Edge GOD out.

My EGO didn’t let me realize that a daily intake of 300 grams cashews could cause a lot of damage to my body. Riding the waves of success of being a nonsmoker forced me to ignore the basics. Smoking was an aftereffect of my personality. It was not the real issue but an outcome of the underlying problems.

What to do now?

As the applause from friends and relatives faded, my waistline raised alarms. My focus shifted from cigarettes to the weighing scale. COVID hit, and we were in lockdowns. Lack of exercise and high-calorie intake gave me digestive distress. All hell broke loose when I touched 90 Kg for the first time.

It was not all bad, though. One of the things that helped me to quit smoking was Vipassana. Vipassana is a Buddhist form of meditation that focuses on self-awareness. Vipassana is one of the main reasons I catch myself with negative habits before its too late.

I told myself that life has given me another opportunity to work on my personality. Remember, our personalities are like an onion.

After initial days of panicking, I joined Gym after a long gap. I didn’t stop eating cashews but would weigh them and track my intake weekly.

This time, there is a higher need to deal with my personality. My real problem is not cashews. I lack faith in the universe. There is a plan for everyone. If we live with the right intentions, the universe takes care of us. The universe has complex mechanisms to run this world. It’s hard to understand, but belief in the creator is the only way.

Conclusion

If you are looking for a happy ending, there is none. I have got my weight in check (86–87 kg). Tracking my weekly intake of cashews with utmost care. The problem is not over yet.

One step at a time, and the focus should be on my personality rather than the addiction. Weakness does not lie in the addiction but in the refusal to acknowledge its reason.

I don’t have a success story, but my effort is not in creating a success story. The effort is to strive for infinite happiness. In this small life, I have learned infinite happiness comes from endless consciousness.

I want to be aware. Aware of myself and my personality. It’s a journey, and I am happy I have started again before it is too late.

Thanks Tarun