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ard on your driveway earlier, as it causes your forty nine year old body to perform half a back flip.</i></p><p id="e09f"><i>Macular degeneration will leave you in darkness.</i></p><p id="9b38"><i>Doubts are a dime a dozen. Pity you can’t eat them when inflation hits 700%.</i></p><p id="57e3"><i>Do not eat this.</i></p><p id="832c"><i>Don’t beat around the bush. A mosquito bite on your custard launcher will cause infection and gangrene, and hospital security will arrest you for obscene exposure before the doctors can salvage it.</i></p><figure id="a732"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*5fURX3D-KxQsLqWe"><figcaption>The mosquito’s wings are just as powerful as the butterfly’s. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@angela_on_unsplash?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Angela Handfest</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="251e"><i>You decide to bite the bullet. Should have worn your dentures. Liquorice is tough.</i></p><p id="0ad3"><i>When it comes time to call it a day, you’ll be long into the night. A rapidly ageing population means the pension age will be 95 before you can hang em’ up.</i></p><p id="1580"><i>Do not eat this. I know you’re still hungry, it’s not my fault they claim the food is ‘made for sharing.’ Go dumpster diving instead.</i></p><p id="1bd6"><i>You should go back to the drawing board, and erase the mess that is your life.</i></p><p id="d163"><i>Don’t worry, you won’t miss the boat. Pity the boat was a jet ski driven by a pissed up roid muncher, and you were on an inflatable flamingo.</i></p><figure id="39e2"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*T8FuDugXhpsCCOz6"><figcaption>Getting some sick air off your now carcass. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@timothyeberly?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Timothy Eberly</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="d2e8"><i>Beware a bridge that needs crossing, cos that means you’re being chased. Probably by your ex-wife. Shoulda paid the child support you heartless prick.</i></p><p id="da

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33"><i>A team of horses will struggle to chase down a spoken word, but the thought police will have no such trouble.</i></p><p id="6cbf"><i>Good medicine tastes bitter, but Pfizer’s profits sure are sweet.</i></p><p id="d4a3"><i>A person leaves a reputation, just as a skid mark leaves evidence of rectal loosening.</i></p><p id="6dfb"><i>Do not eat this. Seriously, you are swallowing my best work and I’m not fishing it out of your dunny again. Why did you give me gloves that weren’t waterproof?</i></p><p id="4e98"><i>When a mute eats dumplings, he can now leave a review on yelp.</i></p><p id="3058"><i>Two benefits from one action, but threesomes work best as a Mormon.</i></p><p id="8406"><i>When adversity comes, hopefully it’s not on your face.</i></p><p id="4229"><i>Replace weapons with jade and silk. But maybe not if you’re from Taiwan. You guys still need guns. <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-was-it-nancy-just-snorted-3dac2ca9d1cf">And American antagonisers</a>.</i></p><p id="7c27"><i>DO NOT EAT THIS! For fucks sake Jakub how many times do I have to tell you?</i></p><p id="0b89">Thanks for reading. Want more stories that may or may not feature cookies? Try this:</p><div id="cd9a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-dog-is-a-psychic-but-your-ferret-belongs-in-an-asylum-5579f955d51a"> <div> <div> <h2>My Dog Is a Psychic but Your Ferret Belongs in an Asylum</h2> <div><h3>The story of the time Scooby almost ate a ferret</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*4nT7O5UNAuYyaKXi)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="8af1">Want to save scrolling time and get my stories delivered straight to your inbox? <a href="https://medium.com/subscribe/@PatrickGEades">Do that here</a>.</p><p id="2bd1">Feel like joining Medium and supporting me and thousands of other writers to buy drugs and other creative tools like stationary? <a href="https://medium.com/@PatrickGEades/membership">Do that here</a>.</p></article></body>

Back by popular demand

Fortune Cookie Messages for Pessimists: Batch Number 2

Feel like getting lucky this weekend? Think again.

If this series continues I will soon run out of fortune cookie photos. Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

It turns out there is a market for gloomy desserts. I am now the exclusive supplier of fortune cookie messages to Czech confectionery company ‘Death is bitter, make sweet now.’

Having devoured my first batch, they demanded more. If you haven’t seen the first batch, I suggest doing so now. Old stuff is always better new stuff:

I reluctantly agreed to their demands, but made it clear the messages were designed to be placed inside the fortune cookies, not their stomachs. They weren’t even edible. I made them from toxic paper I got for cheap from a Russian stationary shop being liquidated. By nuclear waste. So now I have to pay for a whole bunch of hospital bills and start my fortune cookie message writing career in the red. You reap what you sow I guess.

Time to pay my debts.

A setting sun will leave you in darkness, and you will regret not picking up your son’s skateboard on your driveway earlier, as it causes your forty nine year old body to perform half a back flip.

Macular degeneration will leave you in darkness.

Doubts are a dime a dozen. Pity you can’t eat them when inflation hits 700%.

Do not eat this.

Don’t beat around the bush. A mosquito bite on your custard launcher will cause infection and gangrene, and hospital security will arrest you for obscene exposure before the doctors can salvage it.

The mosquito’s wings are just as powerful as the butterfly’s. Photo by Angela Handfest on Unsplash

You decide to bite the bullet. Should have worn your dentures. Liquorice is tough.

When it comes time to call it a day, you’ll be long into the night. A rapidly ageing population means the pension age will be 95 before you can hang em’ up.

Do not eat this. I know you’re still hungry, it’s not my fault they claim the food is ‘made for sharing.’ Go dumpster diving instead.

You should go back to the drawing board, and erase the mess that is your life.

Don’t worry, you won’t miss the boat. Pity the boat was a jet ski driven by a pissed up roid muncher, and you were on an inflatable flamingo.

Getting some sick air off your now carcass. Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

Beware a bridge that needs crossing, cos that means you’re being chased. Probably by your ex-wife. Shoulda paid the child support you heartless prick.

A team of horses will struggle to chase down a spoken word, but the thought police will have no such trouble.

Good medicine tastes bitter, but Pfizer’s profits sure are sweet.

A person leaves a reputation, just as a skid mark leaves evidence of rectal loosening.

Do not eat this. Seriously, you are swallowing my best work and I’m not fishing it out of your dunny again. Why did you give me gloves that weren’t waterproof?

When a mute eats dumplings, he can now leave a review on yelp.

Two benefits from one action, but threesomes work best as a Mormon.

When adversity comes, hopefully it’s not on your face.

Replace weapons with jade and silk. But maybe not if you’re from Taiwan. You guys still need guns. And American antagonisers.

DO NOT EAT THIS! For fucks sake Jakub how many times do I have to tell you?

Thanks for reading. Want more stories that may or may not feature cookies? Try this:

Want to save scrolling time and get my stories delivered straight to your inbox? Do that here.

Feel like joining Medium and supporting me and thousands of other writers to buy drugs and other creative tools like stationary? Do that here.

Humor
Satire
Food
Fortune Telling
Future
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