97% hope free
Fortune Cookies for Pessimists
Realistic predictions for the remaining outcomes in your life
I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a huge fan of Chinese food. At least, not suburban Chinese restaurant food where Mongolian lamb is the number one seller. If I wanted half Russian food, I would have asked Putin to cut me the strog from his anoff. What I am a fan of, is fortune cookies. Food used to teach us about life. Go into jungle. Hunt t-rex. Kill t-rex. Lug t-rex back to fire and eat delicious pulled t-rex sliders while you think about death and whether next time it might be your turn to be on the menu. We don’t get that anymore. That’s why we have had to literally write life’s messages inside our food.
Only problem with fortune cookies is the messages they contain are vague and infuriatingly optimistic. That’s not their job. Their job should be to remind us that death, disease and famine are still here.
Breathing right down our neck in some cases, ready to grab us by the ankle and suck us back down into the dirt from whence we once came.
I have decided to publish my own set of realistic fortune cookie messages and sell them for the highest offer to whichever Czech Republic (one of the world’s most pessimistic countries and top 10 highest post dinner cookie consumption per capita) company wants to provide life lessons with reduced sugar content. I am writing this as a sample of my work. If any cookie companies are reading, hit me up in the comments. Good things come to those who wait 45 years for a promotion in a minimum wage job, like flipping burgers with your grandson. An idea in the brain is worth nothing on the shark tank — it has already been patented by someone much richer than you. Greed and a small oesophagus do not make merry bedfellows, as you will see when you have a severe choking episode trying to play Chubby Bunny with crab claws. Take for granted those you are happy to lose. Such as your wife, who will resent becoming your primary carer after you suffer a stroke while ‘running with the bulls,’ and resort to quickies with the hospital orderly when she takes you in for check-ups. You are brave but not favoured. Your dim-witted brother will win a fortune on a defective poker machine and not give you a cent.
Keep your friends close and your dentist closer. One day your mate Dazza will make a pass at your wife but she will reject him because he doesn’t have enough teeth. Your sister-in-law has no such requirements. The best things in life are free but you still need money to avoid starvation. An optimist fears not the future, as long as they set the bar low enough it can be stumbled over when old, arthritic and hammered on a Tuesday morning. A crisis is an opportunity riding a dangerous wind. Or in your case, a shart. A fall into a ditch makes you wiser to the risks of night-time construction work, and dumber on account of the brain damage. One beam, especially the one made from balsa wood you installed as a cost cutting measure, cannot support a house on its own.
The more acquaintances you have, the higher the percentage of your life you waste talking about the weather or that dodgy photocopier that produces low quality dick pics. If you do not want others to know what you have done, bury it deep inside, with the shame and revulsion. Or better yet, in your backyard. Inside every vision impaired pessimist lies an optometrist waiting to climb out. Czech please.
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