Dutch ovens don't count
Five More Ways to Breathe Oxygen
Give your lungs a rest Pavarotti
Sometimes we take things for granted.
Like breathing. One day you can do it, the next you’re gasping for air like a mullet in a smoker's lounge.
Breathing is so critical to our way of life, many doctors think we can’t do without it.
Whether these ‘doctors’ are right or not is still up for debate, and we must remember there are two sides to every respiratory arrest.
But it’s good to have a backup plan.
Ginger Cook, after consulting with renowned orifice entrepreneur Adam Robinson, listed five (her title is a blatant lie) alternatives to breathing oxygen the old-fashioned way.
As any experienced Medium writer knows, you can’t write a listicle less than ten icles. So I have come to save the day with five more ways to get O2 into your BS (bloodstream).
1. The butthole flop
The butthole is a vastly underutilized breathing orifice. Most people only associate their butthole with pooing or falling onto zucchinis, but it’s capable of so much more.
When the butthole is stretched to its maximum diameter, it is able to breathe at roughly 17% of the capacity of your lungs. To ramp this up to a hundo*, you need to add velocity.
The simplest method is to locate your nearest swimming pool with a 25m diving board, and check they are ok with nudity. If they’re not ok with your nudity, tell them you’re bringing someone hot with you too. A celebrity. Smillew or his Grandma does the trick at my local.
Once you’re in, proceed to the top of the diving board. Remove all clothing, and forcefully spread your arse cheeks as wide as you can. Launch yourself off the board, arsehole pointing straight down. Continue to hold your cheeks spread open while you reach terminal velocity.
Feel that sweet, sweet oxygen enter your body and remember to close your cheeks before impact, lest you want a pool scum enema.
Raine Lore is an expert trainer in this manoeuver if you need extra coaching.
2. Drink oxygen infused beverages like a fish
Doctors and scientists continue to debate whether humans are related to fish.
My cousin Cletus is convinced we are. He named his first born F’Lippa after the dolphin that had a romantic encounter with his wife at Dreamworld. You shoulda seen the snoz on that baby!
Regardless, we have a lot to learn from our Aqua friends.
Our little fishy pals have limited access to the atmosphere, so drink their oxygen from the sea.
Apparently, they have these things called gills that enable the process. If you’re like me and gills-free, try this technique instead.
Find a portable oxygen bottle. If you don’t know where to look, try an old person's home or the back of an ambulance.
Open the bottle and fill it with the beverage of your choice. I like to use vanilla coke because of the extra gas content, and because I like vanilla.
Replace the nozzle, and attach the oxygen tubing into your nose via the nasal prongs. Set to the maximum flow rate, and then snort the vanilla coke like Robert Downey Jr at an Oscar’s party.
You will know it has been successful if your lungs end up underwater and your face ends up on the next Marvel franchise.
3. Get yourself a titanium lung
Back in the olden days, doctors used to hold polio victims and communists hostage in a torture device called the ‘iron lung.’
A 76 year old American, Paul Alexander, swears by his.
But Paul, it might be time to move into the future. Iron-ing just isn’t cutting it anymore, look at all those wrinkles you still have.
Titanium is the go-to metal for most industrial purposes these days, so why not for breathing?
I created my own titanium lung out of a small scale model of the Millennium Falcon. I’m not a hundo sure the Millennium Falcon is made out of titanium, but as Chewbacca would say,
By lying inside it and violently thrusting with your pelvis, you will activate the hyper speed function that enables years' worth of oxygen to be absorbed in mere seconds.
Imagine being able to go for a decade without breathing.
Your mouth would be free for a multitude of other activities.
4. …
Ok, I seem to have run out of breath with this article. In fact, I am likely suffering a hypoxic brain injury.
Perhaps some of you readers can suggest another couple of ways to breathe oxygen? Please let Ginger know soon, so she can return her mouth to ‘other activities.’
*100% in Australian slang. Btw, every time someone says 100% in real life I vomit in my mouth a little bit. Not great for breathing.
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