New research! By scientists!
The Authoritative Guide to Becoming a Top Writer in Parenting in 5 Nurturing Steps
Hint: You don’t even have to be a parent!
I’ve scored another notch on my bedpost.
I don’t want to sound too much like an overinflated frat boy, but Coach Tony sent me a personalised message to inform me I am now a ‘Top Writer in Parenting.’
You see that son?
That means I know what I’m talking about. So quit your whinging, and drink the warm bottle of beer I’ve very graciously served for your breakfast. We’ll get milk tomorrow, if you’re good.
My framed certificate hangs next to my ‘Top Writer’ certificates in Satire and Food. I take this to mean my son has no right to question my cooking, my authority, or my relentless pursuit to take the piss out of him. (My nappy changing skills are on point.)
What I have learnt from my success is that the assessment process for Top writer status is severely lacking.
Little do they know, I am a horrible cook, my son doesn’t listen to me at all, and I count egging a politician as highbrow satire (provided you hit them in the forehead).
Write what you know... Ha!
Luckily for you not-yet-top-writers-in-parenting, I have always been a generous soul.
Even as a little tyke, I was no stranger to sharing. I was the first third grader to successfully gift gastroenteritis to four different year groups and the entire science department. That Bunsen burner really was a game changer.
As a teenager, I shared my promising artwork with the brick wall behind the gym, the back of the school bus, and Mr. Hazbean’s bald skull when he fell asleep reading Shakespeare.
Now, as a fully functioning member of adult society, I shall gift to you the secrets to become a Top Writer in Parenting.
1. Be willing to dish out advice
People think the most important pre-requisite to becoming a Top Writer in Parenting is to have children yourself.
WRONG.
As any parent knows, the most important skill for parenting is being able to tell other parents how wrong they are.
It doesn’t matter whether you have kids or not. You just need to be sharp at pointing out failings and crushing frazzled parents under a mountain of guilt.
To learn from the best, go hang out with some grandparents.
2. Be empathetic
To write well about parenting, you need to put yourself not only in the minds of the parents, but of the children too.
This is what we in ‘the business’ call the ‘client experience.’
If you aren’t easily able to step into the mind of a baby, hallucinogenic drugs may help.
3. Be observant
A keen eye can spot bullshit from miles away. Parents love to boast, complain and fabricate till the cows come home.
Examples:
My child scored higher on his year 2 Latin comprehension test than Albert Einstein ever did in physics.
Oh, what a tough life we have. I never knew the true meaning of suffering until my birth control failed.
I haven’t slept three hours straight since I watched Titanic in the delivery suite while my wife worked her way through the second stage of labour.
Don’t be afraid to call them on their bullshit.
The world needs more truth.
4. Be aware of the scientific method and how to exploit it
Don’t get me wrong. Science is great. It brought us MDMA, microwaveable chocolate pudding, and the ability to watch porn at work. But just like the hedonist scientists who paved the way for the magnificent lives we live now, you need to make science work for you.
Adding ‘Scientists have found…’ or ‘New research has proven…’ in your kicker raises your credibility well above the average writer on Medium. Or as Coach Tony likes to call them, hacks.
I like to include surveys in my articles. They still count as science, and it’s so easy to convince a handful of drunken volunteers to answer yes to Do parents look older than prehistoric fossils?’
5. Be able to predict the future
Like any good clairvoyant knows, accuracy matters little. What is vital is to create a sense of impending doom.
People respond to fear and anger. Facts. Have you watched the news before?
Don’t bother with wishy washy dreams of rainbows and loving teenagers still wanting to go on family holidays or not call their dad Ogbert the Overlord.
Make that crystal ball dark as a day one nappy.
I recommend reading the aforementioned stories 4–5 times an hour to really cement that Top Writer mindset. In no time at all you’ll receive a sparkling email from Coach — oh look, here’s another one now! Let’s read it together.
Dear Patrick, your Medium membership has been terminated immediately. Satire is not real writing and never will be. You hack.
But wait, there’s still more!
If you would like an 87% chance* of becoming a Top Writer in Writing about Top Writers, please subscribe to my emails.
*87% chance scientifically verified by Macca after 14 schooners and a white bag of ‘prescription nasal cleanser.’
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