Finding Solace After Childbirth
How the struggles of parenting can be turned into lessons.
The fact that I’m still alive and well 6 weeks into parenting 2.0 actually makes me feel both relieved and pleasantly surprised.
I’m recovering slowly, but steadily. I challenge myself every day to get stronger and some days I fail, but most days I succeed. C-section delivery is no joke.
Overall, I’m winning though. That’s what I’m choosing to believe, so it must be true.
But The Postpartum Blues Are Real
Having a c-section was a complete and utter bitch. It was unexpected, and it’s been damn, damn hard. I have been really overwhelmed by how difficult it is for many reasons, but one of the hardest is having to rely on others for help.
Being physically dependent on others to help me sit up in bed has felt frustrating. Relying on someone to walk me to the bathroom and help me sit on the toilet has made me feel embarrassed.
Asking for help is normal, yet something I now realise that I struggle with because of my fear of being turned down or told no. Giving up some control has been a test but one I’m getting better at with practice.
Loss of Control Bred Acceptance
Acceptance for whatever happens takes away worry and anxiety. And without those, life is so much easier.
I had to come to terms with the fact that my roles as a mother, wife, and general human, had been temporarily suspended. My only duties were to breastfeed our newborn whenever he needed it and to focus on recovering. Anything more was a bonus.
So I had to stop micromanaging those around me because there was no way I could expect everyone to do things as I did.
And actually, this improved not only my relationship with my husband, but it made me feel so much better. I realised I had been holding on to worry for no reason. And knowing I could simply let that fear go was a relief.
Claiming Motherhood Back
The other hardest challenge of having a c-section is not being able to pick up my toddler anymore.
I remember how my body was just before labour. 9 months pregnant but full of energy. The day before I went to the hospital I was literally running around a field flying a kite. At one point it suddenly poured down with rain so I picked up our first son and ran to the car. I can’t believe how less than 48 hours later, I couldn’t get my own drink from the bedside table next to me.
I’ve struggled to digest the fact that the relationship with my first son will never be the same again. I knew there would be changes and I completely anticipated them. But I didn’t factor in the potentiality of having a c-section and therefore being unable to bend down or pick up my first son to comfort him. I didn’t envisage the scenario where he’d ask for his mommy but I’d be unable to get up off the sofa quickly enough to reach him before someone else did.
I’ve felt at a loss despite literally bringing life into this world. It’s insane how the mind tempts you with anxiety and depression even during the most joyous of times.
But those thoughts and feelings don’t benefit me or the rest of my family.
Time heals. As I claim back my old mother duties, I also try to incorporate new habits. I have to teach our firstborn that I can’t be there all the time anymore. He has to share me with his brother.
But I can pick him up again. I can chase him around the house again. I can comfort him again. And I will never, ever, take these things for granted.
Forcing Yourself To See Things Positively
Living through a cesarean delivery has made me think a lot about how miraculous the body and mind are. Gratitude saved me once again, and it has reminded me how much we take for granted. Like, I didn’t know how much work is required to simply bend down and stand up from a couch. I didn’t realise how much strength one needs to simply sit back and sit up in bed.
My husband needed to help me pull myself up to go to the bathroom in the first week or two. Today, he still helps me sit up at night so I can breastfeed our newborn.
But I also couldn't believe how amazing the world is, to have been blessed with the most precious baby boy. And for us to have been taken care of by dozens of workers at the hospital. It is definitely another reminder that in times of struggle, there is so much greatness. It is simply a matter of where you look to determine how you want to feel.
I Struggled, But I Thrived
During the middle of the night, my husband and I have spent hours soothing our baby. But my husband has still got up to look after our first son just so I could get an extra hour in bed.
My parents came to stay to help out and although they went home just 3 weeks after I had my operation, and they were exhausted to say the least, for they’re retired and not used to being around children — they were just what my family needed.
A week after they left, my sister and her daughter came to spend a few days with us to help out too. I have to say, we really appreciated their help.
The saying “it takes a village” has never rung so true. I honestly don’t know how my husband and I would’ve taken care of both our boys, especially while I’ve been physically incapable. My parents did go home exhausted, but compared with how much we benefited from their help, it was a sacrifice well worth making. I will forever feel indebted to them.
I cried a lot of tears of desperation in the first few weeks because it’s been hard. But I have also cried a lot of tears of joy, and it’s those I will remember the most.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.