FROM MY LIFE, MENTAL HEALTH

Finally, I Understand: I’m Prone To Addictions

The first step is understanding and admitting something has to change

I finally understand: I have an addictive personality — a personality prone to addictions.

No, not of chemical substances or alcohol — thankfully — but to things. Habits.

It’s partially because I am too hard on myself. Never giving me a break.

Let me explain.

Blogging: From hobby to addiction?

I have always had a passion for writing, even though between my sixteenth and thirtieth I didn’t write at all. Then I started writing the story of why I left South Africa, and the horrible last nine months I had lived there. It took me months to write it, but I did nothing with the story.

Years later, after marrying the love of my life, I sat down with that story again. Once completed, I wrote my friend’s story. The latter has already made it to Medium, and I will eventually also publish the other here.

After writing and self-publishing those two books, all I wanted was to keep on writing.

And I did.

I started blogging on Blogger, upgraded to WordPress and then went on to a self-hosted website. Every day since my blog turned serious in November 2010, I opened my laptop and wrote. About five years in, I posted daily. This doesn’t sound like much, until you consider that I also worked for a boss 40 hours a week in a management position, and had kids at home.

In 2012, I started hosting a meme, Wicked Wednesday, where I posted a weekly prompt, and read every linked post, while also writing my own post to link.

I called blogging my second job, but where I took days off from my paid job, I never took a day off from blogging. Whenever traveling away from home overnight, I took my laptop with me, because blogging things had to be done.

Writing is my passion, and it always will be, but in hindsight, I had allowed it to determine my life. It had become an addiction.

Daily walks, another addiction

About a year ago, I suffered from a severe backache. It was due to the stress of my husband’s health situation — my back is my weak spot — and it took three weeks for a physiotherapist to relieve me from most of the pain.

Because walking is good, I ventured out on daily walks. Nothing wrong with that, right? A month in, I bought proper hiking boots, and continued my healthy daily habit.

Did my back still ache? Yes, but less than before. Did I believe walking was going to strengthen my back? Yes, I did. Did I ignore it when my lower back hurt more on the right? Oh yes, I did.

I walked daily for 157 days, and on that 157th I cried three-quarters of the way, because the pain stretched from my back, through my hip and down the back of my right leg. All the time I repeated these words in my mind: Why do you always push yourself so hard?

That must’ve been the first time I had ever admitted I was too hard on myself.

Understanding and admitting: first step

What happened during that last walk is something I discussed with the coach. I actually wrote it all down, and that was when that one word — codependency — came up, and so many things fell into place.

The realization I am always too hard on myself, the word codependency, and wanting to understand myself better, brought me to new insights.

When I say I’m going to do something, I commit.

That’s good.

Going for a goal is always good. Seeing yourself as a failure when you don’t work on that goal as intended — when you take time off — is not good. Worrying about what others would say if you take that day off from your goal is not good either.

That’s what I did with those daily walks. After I bought those expensive shoes, I just had to go out daily, because otherwise… what would my husband say? And if I don’t go, then I failed myself, because I said I was going out every day. I pushed myself beyond what was healthy for my body because of shame. Shame of admitting to myself I needed a day off, and shame letting my husband see the same.

Now, how stupid is that?

And it wasn’t only with the daily walks I pushed myself too hard.

Changes to come because of new insights

I want to go out walking again. Not daily. Not on fixed days. I’m afraid if I tell myself I will go walk on Tuesday and Friday, I am going to push myself again to do it despite whatever. So I am in limbo at the moment, not taking any action for fear of my addictive nature playing up again.

I recently took out an annual subscription for the zoo. I’m allowing myself to go when I want. Not once a month, not twice a month, not every week. I haven’t set a goal other than that I want to go frequently. The only thing I decided is that when I go, it will be on a Wednesday as that’s my day off from work. Which Wednesday? That I decide in the preceding weekend as another part of my character is I need some kind of planning for my week.

I hope the way I approach going to the zoo will help me find an acceptable way to go out on walks again. I want to decide on the days, but if the weather doesn’t permit or my day has been too hectic, I will have no guilty feelings towards myself or anyone else for not going.

Because of these new insights — admitting I’m prone to being addicted to goals I set myself — I have thrown all I do into one big pile.

I noticed how much I do. So many times people asked me ‘how do you do it all’, and I always said I am a highly productive person. And I am. But I want a break. I want to do less. I want to be able to just sit here reading a book all day without thinking of all the sites I have to maintain.

Over the years, from the day I started blogging, I have only taken on more and more. Memes. A writing group (hosted that one for five years). A writing marathon — for almost seven years. Starting on Medium.

The same way I decluttered our home, I am now decluttering the things I am addicted to. Because yes, it is an addiction.

A few weeks ago, I revealed I’m ending the meme I’ve hosted for ten years. I posted 25 final prompts and linking can happen until the last day of the year.

The post I wrote then — Giving Myself A Much Needed Break — is not accurate anymore, as more decisions have followed. I didn’t know more would follow, but the decision about the meme had put a natural process into motion. It made me evaluate the things I do, and look at what I want to keep. The decluttering process continues.

Coaching has given me the insights I needed. It has set me on a journey of self-discovery. It taught me it’s okay to be kind to myself; that there’s no shame in quitting or admitting you can’t do something. I’m not a failure if I stop with things that once brought me joy, but now feel like work. I don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed.

More changes will follow.

Good changes.

Good… for me.

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