FIFA Women’s World Cup. Australia New Zealand 2023. A Pictorial Record.

1st Person: Hindsight Faux Pas dude. You didn’t call last year’s World Cup the men’s.

FIFA World Cup. Qatar 2022. A Pictorial Record.

Saudi Arabia

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Me: Not now chief.

“….There’s always a kind of sporting hatred between Scotland and England, we know that…. I always want the men to lose, Englishmen, but I’m rooting for the English women because I think us women should stick together for the ultimate goal.”

Rose Reilly MBE. Scottish Football legend.

Me: That’s political correctness gone mad.

World Cup Stats

Sunday August 20th 2023. 13.02 BST: The time some people in Scotland apparently shouted, “Yaaas!” at their televisions.

Percentage of feminists watching the Women’s World Cup: A shitload.

Thing most likely to be said by a man who wasn’t a fan of football before the Women’s World Cup: “I wasn’t a football fan, she got me into it [points to girlfriend/wife].

Times England goalkeeper Mary Earps shouted, “Fudge Off!” to the Spain players after saving the Spain penalty: Just once, or, maybe more.

Thing most likely to be said by a so called ‘women’s football convert’ when asked, “So you’ll be watching the Women’s Super League?”: Is that the new Marvel film?

Number of members of the Royal Family that attended the Women’s World Cup final: Two. Queen Letizia and daughter Infanta Sofia.

The average time before broadcasters mentioned England during their World Cup coverage regardless of what match was being covered?

1st Person: Is ‘immediately’ a measure of time?

Photo: Getty Images. **Do you wanna tell her or shall I?**

Some Bloke with a YouTube Channel who hates the Women’s Game: The women let in a ridiculous 8 own goals. The standard of the women’s game is shocking. 8 own goals!

Me: How’d you know it were 8 own goals?

Some Bloke with a YouTube Channel who hates the Women’s Game: Googled it.

Me: OK. So you use Google as a research tool to gather evidence to help you pursue a biased agenda. Some people use Google as a research tool to gather evidence, which allows them to see the full context of facts.

Some Bloke with a YouTube Channel who hates the Women’s Game: Con what now?

Me: There were 12 own goals in the 2018 Worl, er, 2018 Men’s World Cup. More than 8. Does that make the standard of the men’s game shocking?

[silence]

Me: And he’s gone. Stupid cow.

So, on with the show

Panama

Best hair.

1st Person: Why objectify women?

Me: I’m not. I’m objectifying a footballer that happens to be a woman.

1st Person: Close, but no cigar.

Me: Fancy a discussion about how some nations are comfortable having a variety of hairstyles, whereas others seem to conform to keeping their hair long? Perhaps some nations have convinced themselves that only long hair is feminine?

1st Person: I think you’re male gazing.

Me: Eh, don’t get me started with false eyelashes in the women’s game.

1st Person: How about, painted or false nails, old man?

Me: Couldn’t give two shits.

Philippines

Knocked out first. Well the good news is thanks to Brexit we’re short of nurses.

New Zealand

Only qualified because they were joint hosts. Like lambs to the slaughter.

Costa Rica

Through to the last 16? No way San Jose.

Gambia

1st Person: Zambia!

Me: Why? What did I say?

Photo: Mick O’Shea/Sportsfile/Getty Images

Republic of Ireland

I’ve got Shamrock. I’ve got Shambles. That’s all I’ve got.

Canada

A dry tournament performance from the Olympic champions.

Vietnam

I recently went to Nam. Cheltenham.

Portugal

A bunch of Lisbonians?

1st Person: You need to grow up.

Me: You need to grow up!

Photo: Maddie Meyer — FIFA/FIFA via Getty Images

China

Didn’t make it to the last 16. However various merch celebrating the tournament is available. Made in China.

Haiti

World Cup debut. Voodoo know they had a good tournament don’t you?

1st Person: That’s a racial slur. Wait, what are you doing?

Me: Sticking needles into a doll that looks nothing like you.

Photo: Daniela Porcelli/SPP/Shutterstock

Italy

Group stage exit at the Euros. Group stage exit at the World Cup. Mamma mia, here we go again.

Brazil

The team with the best player in the world knocked out. Nuts!

Photo: Phil Walter FIFA/FIFA via Getty Images

Argentina

Me: Mo from the Three Stooges.

1st Person: Who from the what now?

Me: Mo. The Three Stooges. American vaudeville and comedy act.

1st Person: How old are you?

Me: How old are you?!?

Korea Republic

An unsuccessful World Cup Korea.

Germany

A sexist might say, “The women’s game ain’t the same standard as the men’s.” In Germany it is. The women’s team is as shit as the men’s.

Switzerland

Still cheesed off when knocked out.

South Africa

Did one of the Dutch say, “We win, Zulus?”

Photo: Hannah Peters — FIFA/FIFA via Getty Image

Norway

Former champions knocked out? Nor-way!?!

United States

“But it’s OUR World Cup.”

Obviously not dude.

Nigeria

Got Afro Beat on penalties.

Denmark

They’ve had butter performances.

Jamaica

The Reggae Girlz made history by reaching the last 16 in spite of the Reggae Boyz government refusing to fund them.

1st Person: “Politics and sport don’t mix.”

Me: Hush up your dutty stinkin’ mowwt.

Morocco

Fans of the Atlas Lionesses were seen tidying and picking up waste around the Hindmarsh Stadium in Australia. The players also learnt to try to keep it tidy at the back.

The Netherlands

2019 World Cup finalists knocked out. Pot luck.

Japan

2011 champions knocked out by the team that knocked out the 2019 champions. Atomic. What? Too soon?

France

Knocked out in the longest ever World Cup penalty shootout, no wonder they’ve got Les Bleues.

Columbia

Their performance in reaching the quarter-finals gave new meaning to the phrase, “Really really good shit from Columbia.”

Australia

Waltzed out the tournament with their heads held high. Maybe one day you’ll get you’re own flag eh?

Sweden

Another Scandi-louse exit which leaves them still waiting for a World Cup trophy. To avoid sexism, Sweden, always a Groomsman, never the Groom.

England.

Lost to Spain in the final. Brexit. Happy fucking holidays.

Spain

Finally the great footballing nation gets a slice of FIFA Women’s World Cup paella.

Best Looking

1st Person: You’re doing it again, objectifying.

Me: Well….

1st Person: The women’s game is the biggest growing sport in the world. Many of the players are household names.

Me: What? Like Mi Casa?

1st Person: These women deserve to be taken seriously and to be treated with respect.

Me: Finished?

1st Person: Yes, but don’t get me started on ACL injuries or the lack of a Mary Earps goalkeeper shirt.

Me: Actually, if you look at the goalkeeper shirts issue, it looks like it’s down to prejudice against national goalkeepers, rather than sexism. Mind you, who wouldn’t want to encourage girls and young women to buy an official Nike shirt (sustainable materials) for £60 and £125 respectively. It’s not like we’re in the middle of a cost of living crisis innit.

1st Person: Don’t be facetious.

Me: I’m not talking shit. Anyway, drum roll please….

Photo: Kai Pfaffenbach/Reuters. **Hervé Renard, France manager.**

Best Looking

Hervé’s adventures in football!

1st Person: Wait, isn’t that Sean Bean?

AND THERE’S MORE!