Feminism, Feminism (Whoa oh here she comes, she’s a Man Hater)

Ay up. Fancy seeing you here. I can’t think why you’ve suddenly decided to join me.

“Feminists hate men.”

We know this fact is true because some man, somewhere, (in Summertime?) said so. Then some other men repeated it. What are us men like eh? Repeating word for word what some man says?

The fact became truer (or should that be the truth became factor?) when some women repeated it. What are you women like eh? Repeating word for word what some man says?

“Dude, Feminists hate men,” has caused much damage.

Men’s interactions with women have become increasingly difficult to navigate. Verbal stuff like “No thank-you,” or “I’d rather not,” or body language stuff like a woman fidgeting in a way that suggests she finds you physically repulsive. What does it all mean? We don’t understand. Trying to ‘read’ women is an absolute fucking nightmare.

All thanks to “Oh my God-duh, Feminists so hate men.”

Luckily for us men a very wise person once said, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that everything is shit easy to understand when reduced to multiple choice with no wrong answers.”

There is a scene in the film The Bride of Frankenstein that perfectly illustrates this tried and tested theory, and provides us mendem an opportunity to practice reading womendem. By the way, The Bride of Frankenstein is a 1935 film starring Elsa Lancaster and Boris Karloff (yes, in that order) and is a sequel to 1931’s Frankenstein.

The scenario: Dr Frankenstein and Dr Pretorius have arranged a blind date between Mr Creature and Ms Bride.

The Question: Why did Ms Bride reject Mr Creature’s romantic advances?

The answers:

(A). His looks. Ms Bride is not shallow. However she freely admitted that Bolty Mcboltyface was no oil painting. In fact she refered to him as a “bow wow baby.” Also Ms Bride heard on the Bavarian Alps grapevine that Mr Creature had a younger handsomer brother called Mr Beast. However, Ms Bride is not shallow.

(B). His hobby. Mr Creature stated his only hobby is, “I run.” When asked what distance he stated, “Distance village to castle. Villagers chase. Pitchforks. Torches.” Mr Creature is well known in the community however it may not be for positive reasons.

(C). His choice of venue. Ms Bride admitted she made a mistake. Mr Creature said “Romantic dungeon.”

(D). His (male) friends. One of Mr Creature’s mates is a mad scientist. The other mate is, well, another mad scientist. Ms Bride is not prejudiced against mad scientists per se (Latin, why?). After all this would make her mad scientist-ist. However she imagined dinner party conversation consisting of talk of “cadavers,” “lightning” and “the top 50 Doctor Who episodes” losing it’s charm after the first vol-au-vent (French, why?)

(E). His personality. Mr Creature is made up of pieces of male corpses. If that ain’t a recipe for toxic masculinity, what is?

Epilogue

1st Person: What’s your favourite black and white film?

Me: 1949’s The Secret Garden.

1st Person: What about the coloured bit.

Me: Don’t be racist.

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