Feminism, Feminism (Which Witch is Which?)

Back in the mists of time, ok, the 80s, a female pal hypothecated (not a real word) that in the way old olden days strong independent women were considered a threat to patriarchy, so the Witch Trials were invented to “keep them in check.”

However these were hardly fair trials.

1st Witchfinder: What sayest thou to the accusation of witchcraft?

2nd Witchfinder: She be sayest noat. She be dead. Drownded

1st Witchfinder: You be unhappy with my methods?

2nd Witchfinder: Well thee could be testing thy methods first.

1st Witchfinder: Fuck no.

Unfortunately for the women folk, men folk of the time were obsessed with facial hair.

“Occam’s razor is a principle often attributed to 14th century friar William of Ockham that says that if you have two competing ideas to explain the same phenomenon, you should prefer the simpler one.” — New Scientist

If only the men folk had been more imaginative. If only the men folk had thought outside the stocks. If only the men folk had been aware of that very wise person who once said, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that everything is shit easy to understand when reduced to multiple choice with no wrong answers.”

There is a scene in Unsolved Histories with Lucy Worsley, ‘The Witch Hunts’, that perfectly illustrates this tried and tested theory and would’ve provided the men folk of the time with an opportunity to consider alternative reasons for ‘a gathering of women.’

Question. If it not be witchcraft, what they be up to?

The answers:

(A). A Sisterhood emotional support group. One of the women has just split up with her boyfriend/girlfriend. Her mates be comforting her with wisdom laden words such as, “They be not worth it love,” “You be deserving better” and “I be never liking them anyway.” Hexes. No, there be talk of exes.

(B). A Pamphlet discussion club. These ladies (well I ain’t calling them peasants) monthly gather to discuss an exciting new pamphlet that be read. Host be supplying mead and morsels.

(C). A Recipe swap session. These women don’t be having women to cook for them. These women be the women that cook for….well, themselves. Potions? No, they be cooking instructions.

(D). A Post match celebration. These be professional sportspeople. Netball? Don’t be sexist. Anyway, these be the way old olden times long before Sports Science be invented. After a win these athletes be out drinking and eating the stodgiest of stodgy pies.

(E). A pre nuptial female only celebration. Dude, that be a Hen Party.

Epilogue

1st Person: What’s your favourite film featuring sorcery?

Me: Earth vs. the Flying Saucers.

1st Person: I said ‘SORCERY.’

Me: No need to shout I heard you the first time.

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